___love is always there, so don't worry to much...

2009-11-12T13:35:00.002+08:00

hey guys, i'm back from my cruise. ho ho ho. i've went 4days 3 nights.
what is nice in the cruise? i can say is actually nothing. haha. only the scenery is nice. though there is like nothing in the cruise for us to play, but it just seems like i'm so busy in the cruise with my friend. haha.

i boarded the cruise on sunday at around 2pm. something happened that day! i asked my mummy to give me additional $200 for emergency, and she gave me $250. weilun (fyi, it's a gal) and i started moving to our cruise. we boarded the cruise, and went into our cabin. it is at deck 10 room 087. haha. angela went with her mother too. she is also in deck 10 but in room 600. haha! ok, back to topic, we were unpacking in the room, suddenly i remembered i could not remember where i put the money my mummy gave me!! me and my friend searched the whole cabin and mybags, but still cannot find. haix. it's lost! OMG! i'm so sad.:( but i still have to enjoy myself! i can't waste my day, moaning for that 250! lucky this is extra one. we went to explore the cruise, as we could not find angela, because we board at different timing, we just explore on our own.

on monday, which is the 9th nov, we arrived at penang at around 12noon. we were suppose to disembarked for those who wanted to go down and shop. angela's mother told us to meet her at 1245hrs, so we can go shopping together. haha. so we waited for her at the lobby at 1245hrs. as i was searching for my things, i saw the money my mummy pass it to me! OMG!!! i was so happy!!! haha!!! i was still so scared that i really loss it, anyway, i've treat it as i really lost it. haha! quite a short time in penang. only spend time shopping. did not manage to buy much in penang. we boarded the ship at around 6pm, as ship is sailing at 7pm.

on tuesday, 10th nov, we arrived at phuket at around 8am, but we disembarked at around 11am. we went bungee jump 1st. haha. only weilun and i went for the jump, angela and her mum did not go for the jump. haha. they say it's too scary for them. after the jump, weilun's eye became swollen, and started to have red dots on her face. just below her eye area. we suspect is the blood shot, coz we overturn and jump. all the blood rush to the head there. i also have, but mine is at the side of the eye, and is being blocked by my spectacles, so not very obvious. we went shopping after that. nothing much there too. haha. when we went back to the cruise, we started to get ready for gela dinner. haha. when i wanted to put on the contact lenses,i found out that i have blood clots under my lower eye lid. OMG! was quite freak out. did not know that bungee jump causes so much side effects. haha. we proceed to the gela dinner, and a nice dinner. we went back and started to look around the ship again.

wednesday, 11th nov, the day we are on our way back to singapore. and is the only day that we have the whole day on the ship itself. we went swimming, played arcade, watched tv in the cabin.trying to relax. haha. at 6pm, after our dinner, we went all places of the ship to take photos. haha. we did not take much during our trip. so we are now rushing to take pictures. LOL! reached singapore dock around 630pm. but we disembarked around 730pm. haha. the 1st thing we reached singapore was to find my mummy, and put all the luggage in the car. and we went to vivo city to buy my handphone! coz my handphone is crazy! bought samsung pixon 12. haha quite happy. coz the camera is very good! LOL!

in overall, though we did nothing much, but i still enjoyed myself a lot!

Reasons to smile more often

2009-10-30T01:38:00.005+08:00

1. smiling is contagious:
when someone is smiling, they brighten up the room, changes the moods of others, and make everyone happier. smile lots and you will draw people to you.

2. smiling makes us attractive:
we are drawn to people who smile. this is an attractive factor. frowns, scowls and grimace push people away -- but a smile draws them in.

3. smiling boosts your immune system:
when you smile, your immune function improves possibly because you are more relaxed. prevent flu and colds by smiling.

4. smiling makes our moods better:
the next time you are feeling down, try putting on a smile. there is a good chance your mood will change for the better.

5.smiling relieves stress:
stress can really show up on our faces. smiling help to prevent us from looking tired and overwhelmed. when you are stressed, take time to put on a smile.

2009-10-26T22:44:00.003+08:00

我在一部戏听到了一翻话，让我感到得很感动。

女主角：你觉得我是那种很需要被保护的女生吗？
男主角：我知道你人聪明，就算没有人去救你。你自己也可以想办法脱困的。但是我不会因为你的独立，而忘记我要保护你的责任。在我心里，你就是那一个需要被疼爱，要被捧在手心的人。

如果有一个人跟我讲这一翻话的话，我一定很感动的。
虽然我觉得我是一个不太需要受保护的女生，但是我还是希望有人能像这个男主角一样疼爱他爱的人一样疼爱我。

2009-10-07T00:34:00.002+08:00

thank you for accompany me today. don't be shocked. i'm already trying to control myself le. forcing myself not to that in public.

i think i should stop treasuring friendship that much already. it is really making me very upset. making i should stop caring for friends. i shall be a BAD GAL! why should i be a good gal? no one is caring for me. why should i care for them.

or am i being too sensitive? but i really feel very very hurt. it is been a while sincce i had this feelings le. why do i always have to have this feelings? why? why? why? why?

2009-09-24T23:12:00.003+08:00

today is the day that i will never ever forget. today is the day that i am confirmed! my probation is over. haha.. me and my friends knew that sisters will come and talk to us this week. but neither did we know that they will come and talk to us today.

today after our break, one of the sister called us. saying want to pass us report. at that point of time, all of knew that they want to come and talk to us. muahahaha!!

we went in 1 by 1. i'm the 1st. i was so nervous inside. that i kept rubbing my hands together. haha. of coz. i hid it under my apron. they told me they will confirmed me but i need to continue to work hard. haha LOL!!

2009-09-02T22:35:00.001+08:00

happiness in a thin sheet of ice...

2009-07-21T00:08:00.004+08:00

an event is coming up and yet i'm still having a mixed feelings. i really don't know whether i should be happy or not. i just hope it does not come so soon. i don't want it to be here. but why? me myself also don't know.

why is life so miserable now?

the world that we are living is actually peace, calm and not complicated. it is man whom made it complicate. why do people have to make it so complicated? why can't just have a easy and calm and peaceful life?

the older i get, the more i feel that this world is getting more and more complicated. how i just wish that i could stay young. look at children. they are so happy when they just able to play around. no troubles. and they don't tell lies! unlike adults! children will speak right bottom from their heart. they like it, they will say. but if they don't, they will also speak up. they won't try to harm you, or even lie to you.

i really appreciate of of what you had done for me. but if i really can't be happy on that day. i'm really sorry. i really having this mixed feelings ever since the beginning of july. it is just that i did not say it out. as you are like so enthusiastic about it. i know i should be happy for what you have done for me, but i just can't.

life is really very miserable for me.

i just have a feeling that i can't stay long there. but i really wish to stay there. i feel that i had made a lot of mistakes which i should not be making. and i'm so forgetful. i have been forgetting things. not remembering what i should be remembering. but is not that i want to forget. i really want to remember. but somehow it just got "lost" in my mind. can someone help me? i really want to stay there. i do not want to be posted out. is it because i'm not suppose to be there? that is why i'm having this feeling? :'(

ok. this blog is abit messy for those who don't understand. i'm just being random. trying to say out what i'm feeling now. it is okay that you don't understand. and i think that no one understands me anyway.

Graduation

2009-05-26T21:59:00.013+08:00

had my graduation today. and it was fun! meeting up with my classmates and friends whom i have not seen them since Jan. had great time catching up with them. today i was almost late for my graduation. coz i 8am then i woke up. my mother and my brother did not wake me up. so i had to rush like mad. doing my hair. lucky i had ironed my clothes yesterday. when i went down, i forgot to bring my gown along. i went back up to get my gown. haha. took a cab down to nyp.. and had my make up on the cab. coz i do not have the time to do it at home. my mother and my brother went to fetch my grandmother. haha. a total of 5 people came to my graduation. my parents, my brother, my grandmother and of coz my best friend --> wenlin!!!! haha.. she came and support me.. haha..

after the graduation, took quite a number of pictures! went up to lounge to have some food. but the food is not nice. so me, wenlin, xiuping and ade decided to go to AMK hub for our lunch. we had pepper lunch for lunch. after that we went for a movie coz we do not know where to go and i don't feel like shopping coz my feets hurt.. haha. the show is not bad but there are some parts we don't understand what are they talking about. after the movie, wenlin had to go off 1st coz her mother called her. asking her to go home early for dinner. so me, xiuping and ade went to walk around. we left around 6pm. coz all of us need to work the next day.

let me post some of the pictures. i don't all the pictures yet, coz some is in my brother's DSLR, some is with my friends. all over.. haha..

me in the cab, after the make up. not obvious coz is very light.

me and seri...

me and pp(xiuping)...

that's all for today.. haha.. got to go! good night! おやすみなさい...

PS: congratulations everyone! おめでとうございます(omedetou gozaimasu).
give your very best in your work and everything! がんばってください(ganbette kudasai).

so coincidence..

2009-05-09T21:58:00.003+08:00

today went out with my poly friends to watch movie. we watch ramen girl. is so funny. the show not too bad. quite worth to watch. after that we went to ps to shop.. and so coincidence, i met otak there. i did not see him. he is the one who called me. and we had a few mins talk. haha. really so long never see him le. think the last time met him was last month. the good friday. haha. going to meet him next sat le. going cycling! haha.. think going to have a good and nice talk with him.

after that i went home. to meet my family for dinner. going to celebrate mother's day. had nonya food. the food there okay la. but still not too bad. not very spicy. wanted to treat them. coz i got my 1st pay. but my father insist on paying. so let him pay lor. haha.

past review

2009-05-08T23:23:00.002+08:00

did not really post what i did the past one week. there have been happy times and sad thing for the past 1 week.

let me talk recap..

last friday, 1st may. went to palau ubin with my friends.. it is so fun there. took some pictures. but there are some "suprise" there. I saw a bunch of monkeys there. don't know is good or bad. haha.. but i was so scared.. the monkey there looked very scary and fierce. this is one of the happy time..

saturday, 2nd may. meet up with my friend, and he taught me jap as i have test the following day. went to mahanttan fish market to have dinner at bugis. the new shopping centre.called ilium it think. the food there is super nice!

sun, 3rd may. had my test. and i think i did quite okay la. becoz my oral sucks. :(i waited for quite long before i answer. but my written paper is good.. haha :) coz i got 96.5%... haha..

mon, 4th may. went to work as usual. work --> off work --> went for tuition --> sleep. nothing much to say.

tues, 5th may. same thing as monday

wed, 6th may. same too.. quite boring my life right?? but what to do? no choice..

thurs, 7th may. reported to work as usual. but today was very busy. started work at 7. normally i could go for my lunch at around 11.. but i only went at 1.. my baby that i'm taking care of is having desat.. and he is in critically ill. is his only 5 days old! can you believe it! we had 2 admissions around the same time he desat. one is code blue and the other one is a transfer case from HD. we were so busy doing our stuffs, and these 2 cases came which made us even more busy.

fri, 8th may, today. when passing the central report. sister said my baby pass away last night.. :'( i was still looking forward to nurse him today. but he just went off. is like so sudden. i almost break down. but lucky, i did not. as i see other babies or patients they are getting better, which made me feel better and more happier. this is the sad thing i'm talk about...

think that's all for now.. will update you guys again..

2009-05-03T22:55:00.002+08:00

value & appreciation

we often take things, people and situations for granted.

we take our loved ones for granted.
friendships are taken for granted.
relationships are taken for granted.
peace is taken for granted.
justice is taken for granted.
equality is taken for granted.
kindness is taken for granted.

when any of these are taken for granted, problems and unhappiness arises.

so, next time, stop and think, how much the people around us mean to us. value, appreciate and treasure them before you lose them.

a little appreciation, not only makes the people around us happy, but also strenghtens the bond between each other and goes a long way........

2009-04-29T23:15:00.004+08:00

swine flu is getting more serious.. this is getting stress up.. just started work for a month only and this virus is coming up. haiz.. want to help out but can't do anything coz we do not know a lot of things so we can't do it. haiz.

my ward start to wear PPE already. and is in the orange level already. there are 5 colour level. 1st is green, followed by yellow, orange, red and lastly black (which is the most fatal and serious). hope we will just stop at orange and don't go up to red or even black! though is it protecting us but that N95 mask is really so uncomfortable! really buai tahan!

by request from my friend,

please go and take a look at this website:
http://sgcafe.com/showthread.php?p=5448640#post5448640

got to go off. off to sleep and battle with the virus tomorrow.. LOL!

2009-04-16T22:30:00.002+08:00

let me recap on wad i have done the past 1 week...

as usual.. last thursday went to work... nothing much happened..

on fri.. is a good friday.. a public holiday!! haha.. went cycling with shuhui and otak.. shuhui's bro came and join us too.. haha.. it was fun! though it was so tiring but fun.. haha. went farmart too.. the food there not bad.. but ex.. we can go there to eat next time when we are in a bigger grp..

on sat.. went to work as usual.. after work.. went to watch movies with my friends. wanted to watch handsome suit.. but too many people watch le.. when we go and buy the tickets only left the 1st 2 rows. so we decided not to watch. we watch shinjuku incident inside. that show not bad.. quite nice.. after the movie. i met another group of friends to go K.. haha..

on sun.. went for my jap lesson and did nothing else..

mon to wed went to work.. nothing.. much happened..

but on wed after work.. i went to meet my friend. we went bowling. played 4 rounds.. haha! after that we had dinner.. we spent $60 in total lor!!! cant believe it!! haha.. the bowling is around $26.. then the dinner is around $34... haha.. after dinner went walk walk.. nothing to do ma.. haha..

today had EOP.. it was fun.. though is long.. but the time pass very fast.. had games too... the games is fun.. but had a small incident.. we were told not to wear slippers.. but this person wore slippers.. and when we are doing a treasure hunt... this person her slippers drop.. and when she moved back she banged into me... becoz of this i fell and hurt my knee and my back lor... haiz...

kies la.. i want to sleep le.. write until here ba.. will update u all again..

2009-04-08T22:29:00.005+08:00

我好想念以前的我们，因为我们可以无忧无虑地过生活。不会为这个而烦，也不会为那个而烦。真的过得很自在。我最想念的时候是我们在一起读书的时候。为什么我们会变到这样呢？难道就不能像以前一样吗？好想回到从前，再也不要长大。。。。。。。。

2009-04-05T00:29:00.002+08:00

have been a tiring week.. though have not done anything during the orientation. but it seems to be very tiring. caught a flu now.. hope it gets well over the weekend. had a great rest today. and i feel that i deserve it! haha! though i did not do anything much but we deserve a good rest! haha! LOL!!!

was suppose to meet my friends today, but they postpone it to tomorrow instead. but i could not make it. looks like it is fated again. haha!

2009-03-31T22:07:00.002+08:00

today is my 2nd day of work... OMG!! i'm so not use to wearing that uniform!! and being called as a staff nurse!! just feeling weird.. i'm having orientation now.. though it is useful to us.. but is so boring.. we have heard it during our prcp period.. and now they are repeating it again.. though sitting down there the whole day listening to them.. but... it is so tiring.. and i'm not used to waking up early... and i'm confirming going to cicu... stress!!!!

ok.. wanna go slp le.. too tired... tml need to report at 8am again...

2009-03-24T00:33:00.002+08:00

had a busy weekend.. celebrated 2 of my friend's birthday on saturday.. and went to wild wild wet yesterday with shuhui.. haha..

i had great fun on both days.. though is tiring.. but is fun!!

starting work in less than a weeks time.. :-(

i want more holidays!!

2009-03-20T23:24:00.002+08:00

words should not be hurtful.. use it to say 'I Love You'..

got this sentence from perfect cut 2.. which i feel it very good.. and it let me think a lot.. why should we keep on saying things that are hurtful to our close ones?

hey friends.. if you really want to quarrel with your friend, your family or your whoever.. please don't use words that are too harsh.. if not there is really no way for you to U-turn...

2009-03-19T20:41:00.002+08:00

have been quite busy these few days... so i never come and blog.. had a great week this week... went a lot of places.. and spend quite a lot of money also.. haha.. this week going to celebrate 3 of my friend's birthday.. just on the present alone have already cost me a bomb. have very quite fun with my poly friends.. yesterday celebrated one of my friend's birthday. went to pastamania to have lunch.. wanted to watch movie but like nothing to watch. but we had quite fun yesterday!

looking forward for saturday!! going to celebrate birthday for another friend of mine! haha her 21st birthday! wuu!!!!

shall end here.. going to watch my show...

2009-03-14T00:16:00.012+08:00

hey guys.. so sorry that is it been a long time since i blogged. i just came back from my hong kong trip. it is so fun there!!! had a great fun with eileen and weilun.. i came back 2 days ago, in the middle of the night. yesterday, i was too tired and something wrong is wrong with my internet so i could not come to blog. let me tell u my itinerary about my hong kong trip.

on the 1st day (5th march 2009 - thursday)
we left from singapore to hongkong early in the morning at 6am. reach hk ard 1030am. when we reach the hotel, it was around 12noon. so we book in and we walked around our hotel area. in the night, we have a night tour. we went to madame tussauds and the victoria peak. the victoria peak was so nice! after that we sat an open deck bus, but it was raining.

this is took in the madame tussauds..
eileen refused to join us.. she is scared..

2nd day (6th march 2009 - friday)
in the morning we had a half day city tour. went to repulse bay, aberdeen, and half level at the peak. in the afternoon, we went shopping!!! bought a few t shirts!.. haha..

3rd day (7th march 2009 - saturday)
wanted to go to lantau island, but i was feeling unwell.. so we went back to hotel to rest. wanted to rest for an hour like that, but my eye sight like suddenly became worst. after my eye sight gets better, i get very severe headache. which causes to cancel the whole day activities.

4th day (8th march 2009 - sunday)
went to ocean park! played the roller coaster! bought a cup.. saw dolphins and pandas!! haha.. it was so fun there.. let me post some pics..

we are on a long escalator..

watching dolphin's show...

5th day (9th march 2009 - Monday)
went to lantau island. we were suppose to go on saturday. but did not go. so we went today instead. we had vegetarian for lunch. and we climbed up 250 steps before we can reach the foot of the big buddha.. hope my wish will come true!

hope you can see the steps behind me.. haha..

half way climbing, we are too tired.. too a small break..

we finally manage to climb the the 250 steps!

this is took at ngong ping village. look very alike right?? haha..

we went shopping after we left lantau island.. went to espirit.. bought clothes again.. haha..

6th day (10th march 2009 - tuesday)
we checked out of our hotel and headed towards disneyland hotel! we stayed in disney hollowood hotel! it is a 5 start hotel! haha!

these pictures are took in our hotel rooms!

we headed towards disneyland after we have checked in!! woo!!! haha.. never been to disneyland before!! they had fireworks at night too!! it is so nice!!

these are some pictures we took in disneyland.. there is too many already..

7th day (11th march 2009 - Wednesday)
this is the last day in hong kong.. we went to disneyland again. coz we did not finish going round disneyland yesterday. took a lot of pictures again..

haha.. another 6 more pics for u to see..

headed back to singapore at 6pm.. reach singapore around 1130pm.. unpack my stuffs.. and went to sleep.. i was so tired..

our next trip will either be korea or japan!! haha... we must fulfil our dreams together!! yipee!! i enjoyed our trip!! i hope u guys also enjoyed!!!

2009-02-17T20:45:00.002+08:00

it's been a while since i blog le.. coz i'm actually quite lazy to blog.. haha..

hey guys.. thanks for your help.. i appreciate it.. but i believe it not necessary to do it anymore. coz i got the drift already.. no use doing anything le...

have been going K for the last few days.. haha.. last thurs went once.. last sat also.. today went again.. haha.. think i'm addicted man.. haha.. LOL lucky for k student.. if not have to pay 20+ everytime. haha.. tomorrow going to chinatown to pay the balance for my hk trip.. haha.. think nothing much le...

2009-02-07T22:51:00.002+08:00

today has book the tour for my hongkong trip.. haha.. soo excited... i'm so happy! going with my poly friends.. hehe...

today did nothing much.. went for tuition this morning.. then plan my itinerary for my hong kong trip.. then went down to SA to book my tour!!! hehe...

2009-02-04T23:01:00.002+08:00

today.. is my 5th day of holiday... was feeling unwell the whole day...

went to yuchan's hse in the morning.. still ok.. after that we went to eileen's house.. her cousin is so cute... P1 only.. haha.. played resident evil... after playing for an hr... i started to feel that my vision was a bit blurred... but after a while.. my vision is okay already... but the next problem is i'm feeling very dizzy.. too dizzy that i vomited... but stomach is not pain at all.. nothing wrong with my stomach.. thought ate something wrong.. but what i ate was the same as wad yc ate.. so we tot could not be the food.. finally.. we tot is the wii.. means.. i have played for too long.. haiz... till now still feeling a bit of giddy.. toook medication.. still giddy.. haiz...

going to HK!!! yipee!! so happY!!!
ok la.. going to sleep soon..

2009-02-02T23:15:00.001+08:00

What kind of woman am I?? (by facebook)

Lovely Lady

You are lovely and caring. You help others and spread out a lot of sympathy. Your life aim maybe is to serve the people. But your weakness is that you forget about yourself, your own needs. All your time is hold back for your friends and family. You are always there for people in trouble. Ready for any emergency. You make a lot of sacrifices just to be a good human. But every woman has her needs, her longings and a destiny. Don't loose yourself in work or curing other people's souls. You will have your own problems in your life. Another problem is that you don't say your opinion when it's right and important to say it. People trample onto your soul if you are always so kind and lovely and helpful. They will play on you. Though you should try to relax more and enjoy your life, you should not loose the gift that was given to you to help others . Not everyone is created this way... You are uniqe and rare!

Is it true??? please let me know.. LOL..

2009-01-30T23:36:00.003+08:00

today went back to nyp.. saw all my classmates.. miss them so much.. we had so much to talk to.. today's programme was boring! when we are giving our feedback.. the lecturer does not understand what we are feedbacking lor... for eg. one of my friends say that.. they should not post students to plastic surgery department. as we did not learnt much about plastic reconstruction in school. since we did not really learn in school. when we go to that department, we will be in total lost and may just lost our confidence as we do not know what to do. so we told the lecturer try not to post any students there for prcp.. but the lecturer said that we covered burns in school.. and plastic reconstruction also involved burns. but what we are trying to say is that plastic reconstruction not only involved burns.. but also others like doing surgery on nose, eyes or anywhere part of the body.. the lecturer kept saying that the school covered the topic on burns quite in detailed. haiz! so frustrated!

got my bcls cert.. is only a piece of paper.. haha.. thought will be like a card... like driving liscense or our IC.. haha.. after everything.. me pp and ade went to the cathy to meet angela (sn from my prcp ward). wanted to watch movie at 1705.. but angela was late.. so we had dinner 1st.. we watched at 1905. and the show is the wedding game.. is so funny.. for those who have not watch.. i recommend you to watch... is nice! angela treat us for dinner.. and we spent ard 40+ for our dinner... after movie.. pp went home with her bf.. then me.. ade and angela went to the balcony at the heeren.. to have some alcoholic drinks.. i did not know she want to go drink.. my drinks was strawberry n watermelon plus with alcohol.. but don't remember le.. it taste funny.. ade one was balcony something something. also cant remember but is nice! like no alcohol taste.. good for me.. aha.. angela treat us too.. felt so bad.. she keep treating us.. haha... on tues she treat me and pan shuang for dinner also lor.. haiz.. thanks angela! haha... nice going out with you.. i promise you to be a good nurse! hope to see you soon..

my holiday starts now! yipee!!! no sch no attachment and no more work! no exams too!!!! LOL!!!!

i cant believe i'm graduating soon! oh no!!!

2009-01-29T22:30:00.002+08:00

yipee!!! PRCP is finally over.. haha!! no more attachments!! yay!! so happy!! starting work on 30th march.. will have 2 months holiday! haha! oh ya.. forgot.. wish everyone a happy chinese new year!

going to my friend's house to pai nian next week.. haha.. so happy!!! got more ang bao to take.. LOL...

a brief of what i have done the last few days.. on chu xi.. was so busy.. cleaning the house.. then have have reunion dinner.. had steamboat and bbq! so nice! had a very nice dinner! chu yi.. as usual.. went to grandma house to pai nian.. had lots of ang bao.. haha.. then played majong.. and i won $20.. haha.. so happy. on chu er... went to eileen house.. wanted to pai nian.. but her mother went out.. so at the end.. we went her house to play wii.. haha so nice to play! i want to go again! haha.. i drove to her house lor.. alone seh.. yipee.. can drive alone.. wed and thurs.. went to work.. but had fun! today is the last day of work.. haha..

tomorrow need to go back to school.. will have a debrief... and get our bcls cert! yipee... going for dinner with ade.. pp.. and one of my sn.. haha.. then going to watch movie! to celebrate! yay!

haha.. think thats all ba...

旧的不去，新的不来。。

事时候该放下了。。让我们勇往直前的前进！

2009-01-16T18:58:00.002+08:00

PRCP is ending soon!!! 7 days more to go! let's look forward to it! and we will graduate together... and off we go! into the world of cruelty! the world of reality! no more fairy lands for us! haha.. LOL..

hey peeps.. so sorry that i did not blog for so long! have not been doing much.. the only things i have been doing is going to ward for my attachment.. and some thinkings... my ward is a paying class ward.. and is quite fun.. haha.. hope i can go back to that ward after graduate.. haha got air-con! LOL... the workload is like.. wuu.. everyone is like want to have that workload.. so slack.. haha... sometimes can be busy.. but most of the time is free.. the kids there are so cute.. they really made me forgot all my troubles.. they are so adorable... though they always cry the moment they saw missy.. haha.. coz once they saw missy, they know that something is up to no good. either they have injection or medication. which they dislike it. haha! they are actually quite smart, they know what you want to do. so even before you can get near them, they will start crying and screaming like hell. smaller kids are still okay.. but those big kids.. wao! they voice... noise pollution.. haha.. LOL...

LOL.. i do not know when is they next time i will come and blog.. anyway.. i don't think anyone is coming here to see it..

think i got to go.. nothing else to write too..

i did not say anything that does not mean i'm in the wrong or i have agreed to whatever you had said!

2009-01-06T21:20:00.003+08:00

人之初，性本善。性相近，习相远。
苟不教，性乃迁。教之道，贵以专。
昔孟母，择邻处。子不学，断机杼。
窦燕山，有义方。教五子，名俱扬。
养不教，父之过。教不严，师之惰。
子不学，非所宜。幼不学，老何为。
玉不琢，不成器。人不学，不知义。
为人子，方少时。亲师友，习礼仪。
香九龄，能温席。孝于亲，所当执。
融四岁，能让梨。弟于长，宜先知。
首孝弟，次见闻。知某数，识某文。
一而十，十而百。百而千，千而万。
三才者，天地人。三光者，日月星。
三纲者，君臣义。父子亲，夫妇顺。
曰春夏，曰秋冬。此四时，运不穷。
曰南北，曰西东。此四方，应乎中。
曰水火，木金土。此五行，本乎数。
十干者，甲至癸。十二支，子至亥。
曰黄道，日所躔。曰赤道，当中权。
赤道下，温暖极。我中华，在东北。
寒燠均，霜露改。右高原，左大海。
曰江河，曰淮济。此四渎，水之纪。
曰岱华，嵩恒衡。此五岳，山之名。
古九州，今改制。称行省，三十五。
曰士农，曰工商。此四民，国之良。
地所生，有草木。此植物，遍水陆。
有虫鱼，有鸟兽。此动物，能飞走。
稻粱菽，麦黍稷。此六谷，人所食。
马牛羊，鸡犬豕。此六畜，人所饲。
曰喜怒，曰哀惧。爱恶欲，七情具。
曰仁义，礼智信。此五常，不容紊。
青赤黄，及白黑。此五色，目所识。
酸苦甘，及辛咸。此五味，口所含。
膻焦香，及腥朽。此五臭，鼻所嗅。
宫商角，及徵羽。此五音，耳所取。
匏土革，木石金。与丝竹，乃八音。
曰平上，曰去入。此四声，宜调叶。
九族者，序宗亲。高曾祖，父而身。
身而子，子而孙。自子孙，至曾玄。
五伦者，始夫妇。父子先，君臣后。
次兄弟，及朋友。当顺叙，勿违背。
有伯叔，有舅甥。婿妇翁，三党名。
凡训蒙，须讲究。详训故，明句读。
礼乐射，御书数。古六艺，今不具。
帷书学，人共遵。既识字，讲说文。
有古文，大小篆。隶草继，不可乱。
若广学，惧其繁。但略说，能知源。
为学者，必有初。小学终，至四书。
论语者，二十篇。群弟子，记善言。
孟子者，七篇止。辨王载，说仁义。
中庸者，子思笔。中不偏，庸不易。
大学者，乃曾子。自修齐，至治平。
此二篇，在礼记。今单行，至治平。
四书通，孝经熟。如六经，始可读。
六经者，统儒术。文作周，孔子述。
易诗书，礼春秋。乐经亡，馀可求。
有连山，有归藏。有周易，三易详。
有典谟，有训诰。有誓命，书之奥。
有国风，有雅颂。号四诗，当讽诵。
周礼者，箸六官。仪礼者，十七篇。
大小戴，集礼记。述圣言，礼法备。
王迹息，春秋作。寓褒贬，别善恶。
王传者，有公羊。有左氏，有谷梁。
尔雅者，善辨言。求经训，此莫先。
古圣著，先贤传。注疏备，十三经。
左传外，有国语。合群经，数十五。
经既明，方读子。撮其要，记其事。
古九流，多亡佚。取五种，修文质。
五子者，有荀扬。文中子，及老庄。
经子通，读诸史。考世系。知终始。
自羲农，至黄帝。号三皇，在上世。
尧舜兴，禅尊位。号唐虞，为二帝。
夏有禹，商有汤。周文武，称三王。
夏传子，家天下。四百载，迁夏社。
汤伐夏，国号商。六百载，至纣亡。
周武王，始诛纣。八百载，最长久。
周共和，始纪年。历宣幽，遂东迁。
周道衰，王纳坠。逞士戈，尚游说。
始春秋，终战国。五霸强，七雄出。
嬴秦氏，始兼并。传二世，楚汉争。
高祖兴，汉业建。至孝平，王莽篡。
先武兴，为东汉。四百年，终於献。
魏蜀吴，争汉鼎。号三国，迄两晋。
宋齐继，梁陈承。为南朝，都金陵。
北元魏，分东西。宇文周，与高齐。
迨至隋，一土宇。不再传，失统绪。
唐高祖，起义师。除隋乱，创国基。
二十传，三百载。梁灭之，国乃改。
梁唐晋，及汉周。称五代，皆有由。
赵宋兴，受周祥。十八传，南北混。
辽兴金，皆夷裔。元灭之，绝宋世。
莅中国，兼戎狄。九十年，返沙碛。
太祖兴，称大明。纪洪武，都金陵。
迨成祖，迁宛平。十六世，至崇祯。
权阉肆，流寇起。自成入，神器毁。
清太祖，兴辽东。金之后，受明封。
至世祖，乃大同。十十世，清祚终。
凡正史，廿四部。益以清，成廿五。
史虽繁，读有次。史记一，汉书二。
后汉三，国志四。此四史，最精致。
先四史，兼证经。参通鉴，约而精。
历代事，全在兹。载治乱，知兴衰。
读史者，考实录。通古今，若亲目。
汉贾董，及许郑。皆经师，能述圣。
宋周程，张朱陆。明王氏，皆道学。
屈原赋，本风人。逮邹枚，暨卿云。
韩与柳，并文雄。李若杜，为诗宗。
凡学者，宜兼通。翼圣教，振民风。
口而诵，心而帷。朝於斯，夕於斯。
昔仲尼，师项橐。古圣贤，尚勤学。
赵中令，读鲁论。波既仕，学且勤。
披薄编，削竹简。波无书，且知勉。
头悬梁，锥刺股。波不教，自勤苦。
如囊萤，如映雪。家虽贫，学不辍。
如负薪。如挂角。身虽劳，犹苦卓。
苏明允，二十七。始发愤，读书籍。
波既老，犹悔迟。尔小生，宜早思。
若荀卿，年五十。游稷下，习儒业。
波既成，众称异。尔小生，宜立志。
莹八岁，能咏诗。泌七岁，能赋棋。
波颖悟，人称奇。尔幼学，当效之。
蔡文姬，能辩琴。谢道韫，能咏吟。
波女子，且聪敏。尔男子，当自警。
唐刘晏，方七岁。举神童，作正字。
波虽幼，身已仕。尔细学，勉而致。
犬守夜，鸡司晨。苟不学，曷为人。
蚕吐丝，蜂酿蜜。人不学，不如物。
幼习业，壮致身。上匡国，下利民。
扬名声，显父母，光于前，裕于后。
人遗子，金满籯，我教子，帷一经。
勤有功，戏无益。戒之哉，宜勉力。

2008-11-05T16:56:00.002+08:00

geex.. so happy.. pass driving.. haha... i took it on monday and hm took it on tues.. both of us pass! so happy! we manage to start together and end together.. LOL.. haha... hm got 8 demerit pts only lor.. so good.. i got 16.. double of hers.. :( coz of that stupid kurb la.. too nervous.. shld press break i go press accelerator.. is a stuid careless mistake lor.. if not i only will have 6 demerit pts only.. at the directional change.. already park properly already.. then still go reverse.. argh!!!! so angry with myself!! why so careless!! but still happy that i pass! haha can drive my mother's car already.. haha..

went to class chalet on monday.. and stayed 2 nights there.. we played majong.. haha taught angela, seri, jena and victoria how to play.. seri, jena and vic they play until cannot stop.. haha.. the moment they eat finish.. they start playing already.. haha.. phoebe brought the majong set.. is traveller set.. it is so small and cute.. haha.. overall.. the chalet was not too bad.. had movie marathon too... haha..

2008-10-27T20:19:00.002+08:00

wao.. it's been quite some time that i have blogged. though i'm having holiday now, but i'm not that free. have been going for my driving lessons.. my practical is coming soon. very stress sia! hope can pass in one go! do not have to retake.. today is deepavali. happy deepavali! stayed at home the whole day today.. did nothing except watching my vcds.. haha. watch finish le.. the show is very funny.. haha! kies la. going nothing to say. will say good bye here.

2008-09-11T20:47:00.002+08:00

today is the 4th day that i'm in ED (Emergency Department). working in ED is really very challenging.. not like working in the normal wards... in ED there is 4 different department.. there is triage, treatment room, observation room and resus room. resus room which is where all up triage cases and those that come from the ambulance will go to... all very emergency cases will go to the resus room.. like cardiac failure... ever since mon.. there is 1 person who died in the ED... and today is thurs.. there are 4 ppl who died.. but.. yesterday and today. 2 ppl died in front of me.. i'm actually quite sad.. i tried my best.. the nurses and doctors in the resus tried their best too.. the doctors gave 10 adrenaline and 10 deflib already.. but the patient still could not survive. :'( that is yesterday patient.. today's patient is totally astoyle.. cannot defib at all.. so wad we did was just doing CPR.. trying to get the heart working again.. but... haiz... 2 cases.. right in front of me.. life is really unpredictible.. they will just go off for no reason.. yesterday the case, the patient was just discharge a few weeks ago. while today's patient was discharged YESTERDAY... and she was admitted into ED today.. and pass away.. did last office for them.. and was praying...

so ppl.. please treasure your life and the people around you.. people around you may just go.. without you knowing.. please don't wait till you have lost it, then you regret! treasure it now! dont regret in the future!

2008-06-21T01:27:00.001+08:00

friends?? what are friends? friends can be a hi bye friend.. it can also be very close friends.. how do we differentiate? actually is all depends on one's individual... i can treat u as my close friends..my best of friends.. but u only treat me as a very normal friend.. many people walk in & out of your life.. but only true friends will only leave their footprints behind. true friends will tell you how they feel about you and not stabbing behind your back..

i have a friend... she is actually quite lonely... she may appears to have many friends... but most of her friends are hi bye friends.. or friends that appear to be her friend.. how many of her friends are really a true friend that can share her troubles with her?? my this friend.. actually have quite a number of troubles.. but which of her friends can help to lighten up her burden?? not many actually.. living for 18 years of her life.. till now.. she still feel that she dont have a friend.. she may have a couple that she always hang out with.. she thinks that they are her true friends.. but will they really stay when she is in trouble?? i do not know.. but i hope the couple of her friends will really stay with her and support her.. give her emotional support and try to lighten up her burden..

i wishing my this friend friends forever... hope she can find her true friend asap.. and her charming prince.. haha.. LOLX...

that is all wad i want to say today.. this may sound bullshit to you.. but to me.. these are all from my heart.. right bottom of my heart..

2008-05-14T01:26:00.000+08:00

what kind of person i am?? can anyone tell me? is my character now good?? do i need any changes?? pls.. please tell me..

2008-04-27T01:17:00.000+08:00

I’m feeling very suffocating now.. beside yr 3 stuffs that is making me so stress.. another thing is because of my friends.. i wish to go out with them.. but I really feel very stress.. and AWKWARD.. that is the main point.. awkward… though we are like friends since secondary.. but…...

I can’t help to have this feelings.. can someone understand how I’m feeling right now?? I’m not saying that u should not care about him and come and bother me.. maybe I’m just feeling jealous ba.. maybe seeing u all have someone to concern u.. I also want to have one.. I really don’t know what I really want.. I want to be single.. I want to enjoy my single life.. I want to concentrate on my studies without any bf.. but on the other hand.. I wish that someone will come and concern abt me.. talk to me..

Is there anybody who understands what I am going through now??? It is not that I go out with u all.. I feel very troubled.. I want to go out with u all.. but I don’t want to be an extra.. maybe u all will say I’m not an extra.. coz we are friends.. but.. I can’t help to think that way.. talking to u won’t be as easy as last time..

I’m feel that I’m an attention seeker.. always wants attention… I seriously do not know why and what had happened to me.. I’m feeling very miserable now.. I hate myself! I hate what I am! I hate my attitude! I just hate myself!!!!

2008-04-24T00:26:00.001+08:00

Trust.. Wad is trust?? Trust is something that cant really be defined easily in words.. trust between friends can build up overtime.. but it can be destroyed too.. Sometimes trust can be easily destroyed.. Sometimes it is hard..

There are two questions in my mind.. when can we fully trust a person?? And how we know we really can trust that person?? I do not really know.. but I know that when you fully trust that person, that person normally is either your very close friend or your family members.. and I believe these people is really someone whom you can talk to and they wont abandon you whenever you are feeling upset… trust is not a thing that you want to trust means you can trust.. you have to see whether this person really worth your trust not.. when you tell him/her about your problems.. will she/he joke about it?? Will they tell others when you do not want others to know?? This kind of people does not worth it.. they do not worth your trust..

how do we gain trust from other people?? Most importantly is that in order to gain trust from other people.. you must 1st know how to trust people.. if you don’t trust people.. how will people trust you?? The logic is the same as respect.. When we trust people, the trust must come from your bottom of the heart.. if you pretend to trust people.. this is not trust.. this is hypocrite.. which most people dislike it!! Or even can say.. hate!

How can we build up trust? Trust is normally build up automatically when your relationship between your friends is getting better… when you and your friends are very close, but your friends still cant trust you.. then I believe that you must really go and think about it.. why do they still don’t trust you?? Is it your own fault? Did you break the trust?? When you promise people to do something.. make sure you do it.. if not they wont trust you anymore.. by doing things that you promised is also one of the way that we can build up trust… wad you promise.. you must finish it.. no matter how long you take to do it… building up trust is not as easy as what we think… sometimes it can be very difficult.. coz your 1st impression on that person is already very poor.. Your reputation is already smeared.. how can you expect them to trust you? If you are in the kind of dilemma, you must try to change their impression towards you, build up your reputation before they will start trust you again.

If you cant even trust yourself.. how will people trust you? So.. no matter what decision you do.. trust yourself.. trust yourself that the decision you had made.. prove it to others.. the decision you made is correct.. in this way.. people will then start to trust you..

Trust can be as easy as abc.. but it also can be very difficult.. as long as you trust people.. trust yourself which is the most importantly.. people will then slowly trust you.. and the trust between u and him/her will be build up..

2008-04-09T00:36:00.002+08:00

i'm feeling very miserable now.. why are u all avoiding me?? how come u all treat me so indifferently after we came back?? i should not have go... should have just follow my feelings... why?? go for wad... i really dun want to lose u all as friends.. i really dun wan.. what have i done wrongly?? pls tell me... i can change.. though it needs time..

it's only a few days.. pls dont do this to me.. i'm really feeling very miserable now.. dont do this to me.. i'm now too sad that i cant even cry out already.. my tears had already dried up..

please.. please.. dont do this to me.. i dont know what i have done wrong.. i think the only mistake that i have done is to go.. causing so much trouble and unhappiness... i'm so sorry..

i know what to do in the future already... bye...

2008-03-24T01:21:00.002+08:00

why u so kpo for wad??? causing more and more trouble... thinking that we dont have enough trouble ar??? why do you have to go say it out?? do u think that saying it out with solve it??? ya.. saying it out maybe can solve the problem.. the do u think really can?? he is a person that wont say anything no matter how u push him.. u think is fun ar??? causing more and more trouble... we already very troubled by this matter and other matters.. we have our own problems.. if you really have nothing to do.. you can call ur friends out.. dont come and disturb us.. pls!!!!!

seriously.. i dun know why u all have to treat me like this?? i have been thinking ever since we parted few days ago... after we all came back from holiday.. you all treated me differently.. causing me to leave the group.. but... why??? do u know that i'm really very upset about this.. i tried to buck up my courage to talk to u all.. but i really scared that our friendship will really end.. which i dun want..

i'm feeling very miserable.. can someone help me!! can someone save me?? i hate this!!!!

2008-03-21T23:17:00.002+08:00

things are getting more and more uncontrolled... why is it like this?? we are so happy in the beginning.. always go out in a group... hanging out together.. why do you have to do this? causing all of us to be so unhappy!! why cant you just admit??? why must you deny?? do you know that you are causing her to be so unhappy??? and sad... she is stuck in the middle of us.. do you know that she is feeling very terrible???

today went to ecp with hm, wl, evan, ys, winson, eugene, nigel and his gf... taught wl how to cycle! haha.. and she learnt how to already.. lol.. cool.... lol...

2008-03-20T01:10:00.002+08:00

i hate this feeling!!! i feel very empty.. i dont know why.. this feeling is very mixed.. and is hard to say.. but i seriously hate this!! i hate myself for having this feeling!!! seriously!! i dont know why i will have this feeling... but i dont not want to have this.. i had this feeling since sec sch days.. but it had subsides after i went to poly.. but i do not know why this feeling came back... haiz.. i felt very moody these few days... can someone help me???

are you really my friend??? if really.. why do you have to treat me like this??? sometimes treat me like very close.. sometimes treat me like enemy... why???? am i really your friend?? or did you treat me as a friend in the 1st place?? why????

this feeling is getting more and more strong... and is getting more and more frequent.... i seriously want this feeling out of me and forever gone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-02-15T22:23:00.002+08:00

hmm.. today going to be short post again..

today 1st paper of my exams.. yesterday ton till 4am.. around 8am wake up again to study..

when i wake up in the morning i got a shock sia.. i saw my clock when i woke.. i got a shock! 345pm!! OMG!! I'M LATE FOR MY EXAM! MY PAPER IS AT 4!! then i look at the clock again.. thinking whether is 345pm or 815am.. then i look at my hp clock.. 815am.. wao.. scare me sia... at the moment i was wide awake.... haha..

today's paper still ok la.. hope can pass.. haha.. if can must get a B.. haha.. ok la.. write till here la.. tml hm and sh coming to my hse to study and ton!! haha.. was looking forward to it.. lol..

bye!

2008-02-11T17:31:00.000+08:00

hmmm... here is another short post that i'm going to post... going to watch cj7 later with huimin, eug and my mama.. just knew that 'he' is scared of me.... but why??? i really dun understand.. i think is because of that day that i suddenly just left and others thought he made me angry so i left... but actually not lor.. he really misunderstood me... haiz.. forget it la.. if 'he' wants to avoid me or wad.. is heis business.. i'm not going to care...

bye.. going off.. cya..

2008-02-09T01:54:00.000+08:00

today is the 2nd day of chinese new year.. something happened to me.. haha... went to temple to pray with my mother.. after that wanted to go buy fruites.. after i got down.. my slippers spoilt! haha.. then i have to walk barefooted.. lol.. haha.. lucky my mother drove.. if not i really dont know how to go home.. haha...

when to meet huimin at city hall mrt at 830pm to watch fireworks... damm nice sia.. haha..

2am liao.. very tired.. going to slp soon...

2008-01-24T16:29:00.000+08:00

attachment had started for 4 days.. today is the 4th day.. went to obst ward.. where pregnant women go there and after birth they will stay there, there is a nursery there too... hehe..

the babies in the nursery are so cutee!!! wuuuu... i believe i will miss them... like them so much...

hehe.. me feeding the baby!! is a baby gal.. lol.. there are so many pretty baby girls and baby boys... they like to be wrapped up.. once u unwrap them.. they will start crying.. so when u bath them or change their diapers u have to be fast.. if not they will start crying.. at that time.. u have will difficulty in changing them.. coz they will move about.. hehe..

next week going to paeds ward for 2 weeks.. after that CNY.. then EXAMS!!! after exams.. ATTACHMENTS again.. but this time is in surgical ward... haiz.. FINALLY holidays!!! hehe...

2008-01-14T02:05:00.000+08:00

why some people can say one thing and do another thing.. like say dislike that person so much.. but still can talk and play so happily with that person??? why??? why there are people who like to back stabbed others?? do you really have to be the top to be happy??? do you really think that you will be happy if you are at the top?? can you stop doing this????

please control yourself.. think about those people around you... think about their feeling... try to put yourself into their shoe and see.. try to think how will you feel.. if those people whom your so-called your good friend back stabbed you.. lied to you.. what will you feel.. if you say that you have no feeling if your so-called good friend back stabbed you, lie to you.. i got nothing to say.. but please assured that.. most people will feel angry.. will feel sad.. feel frustrated.. angry is because you back stabbed them.. sad is that.. they treat you as good friend.. why do you have to do this.. frustrated is that they want to solve this problem but they want to solve is peacfully.. trying not to hurt you.

as u see.. they want to solve this problem without hurting you... they are concern about you.. how can you do this??

难道你真的要这样对待她吗？？她真的有把你当成好朋友。回头是岸吧。。。。

another matter now..

if you angry with a person.. please tell straight to that person.. dont go and blame others.. dont push it to others..

突然这样的走开，会让人家担心的，难道你这样就会开心吗？如果是我的错的话我宁愿你直接的跟我讲！！

P.S.: 开心也得过，伤心也得过，不如选择开开心心的过吧！

2008-01-03T17:32:00.000+08:00

today is 3rd day of 2008... i do not whether is i'm lucky or i'm suai... i nearly lost my laptop for good today.. this had never happened before, but i happened twice today.. haiz..

it 1st happened is after my lecture.. after my lecture, i had stomach ache.. so went to toilet. after i came out... i happily talk to xiuping till we were out of toilet. just a few seconds when we came out, i found out i left my laptop in the toilet, so i went back to take.

the 2nd time is after my clinical make up lesson. at 4pm.. my lesson end.. i took my bag out.. and wear my shoes.. i remembered bringing out my laptop.. i was so tired.. the only thing that i want to do is to go home and sleep.. when i went out to sch, i realised my laptop is GONE! i dont know why.. i immediately went back to my classroom to go check.. but it is not there.. went to find my teachers... finally.. found it.. lucky there are kind hearted and honest people. they send my laptop to student affairs office.

phew... i found my laptop.. haha..

so i dont know whether i'm lucky or suai...

so tired now.. want to go take a nap...

2007-12-27T23:19:00.000+08:00

have been a long time since i updated my blog... now is the 2nd week of holiday... still have 5 more days before school reopen.. so sian.. 2 more days before huimin will come back to singapore.. how i wish she will be back soon... miss her so much... of coz also miss shuhui.. haha...

basically, i did nothing during these holidays... only watch vcds... HK dramas.. haha.. only hoping that huimin will come back asap.. then can go out together.. haha...

2007-11-27T15:49:00.000+08:00

finally!!! my clinical is over!! yay!! so happy!!! i'm so happy!! though my theory fail.. but i hope my practical can help to pull up and pass... i was so nervous just now before my clinical... whatever i memorise.. i cant recall.. trying very hard to memorise.. but still cant.... i was so stressed up... mostly is because of my teacher... early this morning.. when i went for her tutorial.. the 1st thing she told me is that..

the conversation is like that:

teacher: "yunhui, do u know that u did not do very well for your theory"

me: "what?? i failed?!?!?!?!"

teacher: "yes."

me: "i failed my how much?"

teacher: "marks is not important. tell yourself u can do it.. do your best for the practical later. dont let it affect your mood."

end of conversation.

i was already affected by what she said... i nearly cried out when she said that i failed... i tried very hard to control my feelings but still cant really control it down.. went to lecture after that.. told xp and ade.. they said.. just relax.. and u can pass.. at that point of time.. i really think that i sure fail.. coz whatever i read.. i all forgot.. nothing can go inside my mind...

while waiting for my turn... i sat outside with all my friends.. trying to memorise the medication, the contraindication and side effects.. but nothing went it... at the end.. i gave up reading.. coz i know that even i force it in.. once inside i will forget everything...

my turn came.. went in.. took a case scenerio... read it.. and prepare my equipments.. i nearly forgot to take the IMR.. but i saw xh and dahlia took the IMR.. then i remembered.. thanks to them.. hehe.. after prepared everything.. mike came and ask me.. are u ready.. so i went...

i was shaking... very terrible.. took the ampule and break it.. withdraw the medication... if u see my hands.. they are shaking.. very obvious.. lucky is 1ml.. and not 5mls... if not i sure die.. so i chose the deltoid.. which is the easiest.. when i inject in.. my hands is also shaking.. aiyo...

went to the next skills.. the pump.. have to connect and set the rate of the pump.. it went very smoothly.. and the pump did not have occulsion or air or whatever...

after everything.. mike told me u pass for both skills.. the only thing that i have to be careful is that when i inject the medication.. try to stable my hand.. dont tremble too much.. if really cannot.. stable the needle... overall.. not bad.. he also commented that i was so nervous that he scared that i collapsed.. haha...

went to look for veronica just now.. but could not find her.. i want to know that exact marks that i got.. so that i can know whether i pass the module not.. i really cannot afford to fail.. haiz..

but in overall.. i'm still very happy.. coz clinical skills.. consist of 70% of the paper.. so i think i will pass... hehe... ok la.. xp chasing me to meet her already... will blog another time if i got the time and things to write.. and mostly importantly.. see i'm lazy not.. haha.. that is the most important factor.. lol..

cya!! :)

2007-11-23T23:51:00.000+08:00

dont know why i'm so frustrated these few days... every little bit also frustrated... want to be happy also hard.. why??? i just want to enjoy my life.. why like this also cannot?

have been discussing to celebrate my friend's birthday since last sat.. keep discussing where to go tml.. but till now.. not really a decision is made... made me dont even feel like going out already.. i was so looking forward to tml.. but now.. i wish the day will come a bit slower...

haiz... bad mood now.. dont wish to talk much.. going to play face book.. at least it hyper me up.. :)

2007-10-27T02:10:00.000+08:00

2 weeks ever i have blogged... nothing much to write.. so lazy to blog.. haha.. now is 27 oct... yesterday (26/10)... e-learning day for me... so we dont have to go to sch.. just need to dl all our stuffs and do a survey just to get our attendance... wanted to do it the moment its 12mn.. but i totally forgot all about it.. i actually waited till 12mn.. but i went to bed without doing it.. haiz.. forget it.. then i woke up at 11+ am... suddenly remembered i need to do those e-learning stuffs... i quickly went into the system and do it.. i'm so lucky that i did it early.. coz at around 1 plus 2.. the system is like so clogged up.. cant get into the system at all.. i do not know why.. but its so weird.. so many of my friends could not get their attendance just because their system is clogged up..

watched movie.. 'just like heaven' a nice show... quite funny.. i watched while i had my lunch.. after that i called dell.. to settle my laptop.. coz everytime i go to internet.. there will be a advertisment pop-up.. so irritating... and they still have not send me my battery!!! so called they and settle all these problems and settle for around 1 hr... so sian.. after which.. i went to tidied up my room... its very clean now.. and my mother came and told me.. i'm going to see how long your room will be tidy... than i was like.. what la.. haha... its so different before i clean it up.. haha..

nothing much to say.. hm and sh will be coming to my hse later.. i'm not sure about eugene and evan.. msg them already.. but they never reply.. coz very late than informed them... haha..

ok la.. gotta go.. wanna slp now..

2007-10-13T03:03:00.000+08:00

its been a week since i have update. have been a busy week since i came back. i'm exhausted! you can see from my nick on msn... (if you take note). i came back last thursday. and on fri i went out with my sec sch friends. basically, for these whole week, i'm out with my sec sch friends. miss them so much! i'm not sure when i will see them again. coz we are in different schools. they all are from NP and i'm the only one in NYP.. so sad... but its okay... we will find time to go out together.. haha... and on sat.. huimin came to my house.. haha.. she came alone.. lol... she reached around 1 plus and came up to my house and slack... after that we had lunch. until around 4, we reached home. when we were about to watch tv, wl called hm.. so she talked to her.. so i do my own stuffs.. haha...

on sun.. i went to my grandma's house.. haha.. play majong! yay!! 3 weeks never play! played till around 7.. after that we went home..

on mon... i woke up very early! 630am! suppose to meet huimin at 730am. but i reached ard 8am! hehe... i miscalculated the time. too long never take already.. haha... we went to meet hq and went to giant to meet sh.. we were going to buy ingredients to bake a cake for wl.. to celebrate her birthday.. though is 1 week late.. haha.. but who cares! we just want to have fun! in the end we decided to buy a cake (chocolate flavour) and we decorate it! haha... after everything.. we went to wl's hse to cook pasta and fried nuggets.. haha.. actually is sh.. did all the work.. lol.. haha.. we just sat at one side and chat.. the food turns out great! delicious... at around 5.. my mother came and call me... so our plan was that, we will go home and have dinner... after that we will go for my dental appointment which is at 8pm. but i was so tired that the moment i reached home, i fell asleep and could not get up for dinner and i did not go for my dental appointment. i only woke up at 10pm.. haha..

on tues. where did i go? oh ya.. i woke up at around 12 plus. my dad came. and we had lunch together. but a very quick and rushed lunch coz i have piano lesson at 2pm. lucky he came and send me. haha.. at 3pm.. my lesson end.. i got my results for my grade 7 practical.. and i failed.... :( so we decided to pratice more before moving on.. like play more songs of different periods.. after that i went to meet sh.. but she reached only at 4! so i like waited for 1 hour... when we reached.. we met vicki... at around 630pm.. hm reached.. we are going to watch movie. mr woodcock... haha.. she told us is at the cathay cineplex, but it is at cineleisure... so we walked back.. haha.. the movie is quite lame.. but quite funny...

wed! chalet! i'm not feeling hyper abt the chalet at all.. i dont know why.. dont ask me.. haiz..woke up at 12noon. which i'm suppose to wake up at 9am.. 3 hrs late... these few days i dont know why i cant wake up at the time that i want to wake up.. when i'm suppose to sleep.. i'm wide awake.. but when i'm suppose to wake up.. i'm very sleepy.. so by the time i settle everything and went down to the chalet is around 530pm.. which most of the people who were staying overnight had arrived.. they had started to barbeque. so i just sat at the side... at around 9pm.. i stated to barbeque... eat! haha.. felt hungry at a weird time... haha... after we settle everything. which is around 1215am. we went night cycling! and we cycled for 4 hours straight! wao!! haha... back side pain and having muscle ache! haha... when we came back, we took turns to bath.. after which we went for breakfast at mac which is around 7am at that time. vicki and angelina and eugene were sleeping so they did not went. the rest of us went. we went back at around 830am. pack all our stuffs. preparing to check out. after we had pack all our stuffs, we called them up...wanted to return our bikes. but... the bike store is not open. 11am than the shop will open. so sian! so we waited. but we had to leave the chalet at 1030am. so we took our time. i wanted to sleep. but they talked very loud. coz i was listening to my ipod and i could hear what they say very clearly.. just imagine how loud they talked.. haiz... after that i took a cab home.. too tired.. went home fell asleep after i hang up my call with huimin. coz she said she was alone. coz sh and ys went back home 1st when the rest said they want to eat. why cant they go and eat while we were waiting to check out! and have to eat after we check out! and at the end! they were eating at mac! waste time! woke up at 6pm by huimin's call. went to visit hj.. saw wl there too.. haha.. at around 830pm. we went off.. went home to have my dinner..

friday... sh and hm came to my house.. but my house is in a mess.. but i really hack care already.. coz i'm too tired to tidy it.. and of coz.. the most important reason.. too lazy.. only just want to slack... we watched 3 movies.. hatchet, saw I, saw II. we wanted to watched saw III, but we do not have enough time.. so we did not watch... took pics and the both of them went off.. and i went to have my dinner and watched tv.. haha...

its 4am now.. need to go and sleep.. if not i cant wake up tomorrow.. though i do not have any plans.. but i think i'm going out with my mother.. go pack to my old house and pack our stuffs.. to be more exact is throw away stuffs.. haha... ok la.. bye! a long essay today.. haha...

2007-10-06T17:58:00.000+08:00

==> Summary of my Europe Trip (21 Days)

yo everyone! i'm back! haha.... came back on the 4th oct 4pm. but i'm too tired to do anything. so i waited till now than i blog.

the whole trip was fun! 1st we to amsterdam to transit to cologne which is at germany. we stayed there for 1 day. i went to bussels which is in belgim. chocolates there is die die must try. so i bought some back. after hich we went to paris. stayed there for 3 nights. we had one day for leisure time. so me and my friends went around paris. we went to the lourve, the notredam. and we were lost in paris for one and an a half hours while going back to meet our tour guide. we finally found our way back. but we were late for 15 mins.

after that we sat a ferry to go around paris. its about 45 mins journey. it was so cold. as we did not bring umbrella and did not really brought our jacket along. we went to the deck. and it started to rain. its very windy there. but we manage to survive the whole journey and none of us was sick.

the next day we went to the eiffel tower!!! the most famous tower!! its very magnificant!! actually no words can describe my feelings at that time. eiffel tower is a die die must see! at least once in a life time u must go and see!! coz no matter how many words i have describe to u. its very different from u going to see it for yourself.

we went to london the next day by ferry. in order not to get stuck in the traffic, we were told to assemble at 615am! we reach london at around 1330. we went to have fish and chips for lunch. it is very nice!! the best meal we ever had for this tour. we went shopping on that day. on the next day. we went to london south bank. we were split into 3 groups. went to 3 differet hospitals. i went to St. Thomas hospital. the hospital at there does not look like a hosital at all. look more like a hotel or shopping centre den a hosptial. after that 3 students from london south bank brought us around their sch and their hostel.

we went around london the next day with a local tour guide. we went to St. Paul cathedral. its very maginficant. we also went to london bridge. which is very plain. opposite the london bridge is the tower bridge. which is very different from london bridge. we stayed there for quite some time. after which we went for dinner. the rest of the tour members will be going home the next day, while me and my friend had extend our stay for 10 days. so they all left at 13 sept 07 while we will be in london till 3rd oct.

during the extention stay. we mostly spend our time shopping at oxford street. they are having sales. and their sales is very different from s'pore. coz their sales is really very big sales. is like more than 50% discount. some is 70% some is 60%. not like singapore. lol.... we went to primark, lilywhites, harrods, and some other small shops which i cant remember the name. we also went to tower of london, trafalgar squar, madame tussauds, devi and shena went into the london dungeon coz me soo wen and ellis backed out. haha is like quite scary. dont really dare to go in.. lolx... oh ya.. i also went clubbing with my friends. of coz not only we girls go, there are 4 guys brought us there too.

this is a short summary for my whole trip... i really had great fun in europe! i wish that i could go back there again. the next time round i go, i sure will go into the london dungeon. will not be like this time. back out.

here are some pic that i took:

me outside amsterdam airport.

at brussels. peeing out beer!

Paris! Eiffel Tower!

me and the EIFFEL TOWER!

Tower Bridge

London Eye.

2007-09-14T12:42:00.001+08:00

wao... i have not blog for 2 weeks already.. haha.. i'm flying today!! yipee!! results out today... haha.. and i pass all.. haha.. lol.. good right??? lol... flying to europe.. yay!!!... lol...

hey guys... i will not be in singapore for 3 weeks... 14 sept to 4 oct... so sorry that if i nv reply ur msg or when u call.. my hp is off or nv on... will tell u more abt thr europe trip when i come back...

this is a very short post.. coz i dont know what to type...

p.s. happy birthday to wl in advance.. so sorry that i cant celebrate ur bday with you this yr... but i still wish that u will have a great time on your birthday!!! happy birthday once again....

2007-08-29T23:16:00.000+08:00

haiz... why am i so unlucky?? want to go sentosa with my friends also cannot.. haiz.. den they go pizza hut eat.. also canot make it.. fri they gg back to sch for teacher's day celebration.. i also cannot go... haiz.... really very sad lei... though going europe can be a very happy thing.. but... so many unhappy things... even if i nv go europe.. that does not mean i can go all these... like go sentosa... is their teacher dun allow.. wad to do??? there is no choice.. dont tell me want to go kidnap their teacher or wad?? den go back to hss for teacher's day celebration.. i got attachment.. so cant make it... for the pizza hut.. i also got attachment.. even if i dun go europe.. all these problem still exist... what to do? ren ming lor... who ask me to choose nursing... i also dun know why i choose nursing... is nursing really what i want.. is being a nurse is what i want to be?? i dun know...

life can be contradicting... life is also not perfect and not fair... if u think life is fair... let me ask you.. if life is so fair.. why do roses have torns?? tell me... human is not perfect.. human do error.. human makes mistakes.. as long as we learn from mistake.. but how many people can learn from mistake..

take me as an example.. everytime when exams are here.. i tell myself.. next sem must study way before hand.. so i dont need to suffer during exams times.. at least i can sleep.. not ton-ing through the whole night studying.. but whenever the the next sem comes... what will i do?? carry on playing.. watching tv.. and not studying.. and when exams come.. everything became the same.. did i learn from mistake?? NO!!!

ppl may think that attachments are fun... which i dun think so.. i feel that attachments are a torture!! and they treat us like free labour... why? why i say free labour.. coz for those who are sponsered.. they dont give a single cents.. for those who are not sponsered.. they only give $10 per day.. what can do u with the $10??? u cant do anything??? only enough for 1 meal and that day travelling.. as u see.. we are paying using adult fare.. which is extremely expensive.. but what to do?? no choice.. we have to use adult fare... you should ask the government why dont they give poly students student fare for MRT and bus... why must poly students pay using adult fare??? is this fair? NO!!! this is not far.. we are still studying.. though is in poly.. but the fees are much more than studying in JC or MI... since we are still studying.. that means we are not working.. or there is some working as part time... that does not mean that they can ask us to pay adult fare... they should think about those came from poor family... they may have just enough to eat... hardley spent money.. always have been scrimping and scraping... trying to save as much money as possible..

ok.. why am i talking about this.. back to topic.. ATTACHMENTS... i remembered one of my friends told me that.. wao.. you so good.. got attacment already.. so fun.. so shoick.. do u really think attachment is that fun??? tell me.. especially when u have to be a nurse.. early in the morning before 7.. you have to reach the ward and prepare to start work.. that is for morning shift.. for afternoon.. you have to wait till at least 9pm then can go home.. by the time i reach home. will be around 10 plus for those leaving far... like me.. yr 1 and 2 does not have night shift yet.. will have night shift in yr 3.. which works from 9pm to 7am.. which is more that 8 hrs of work... and working in the night is very tiring.. especially when all the lights are off.. make you feel like slping.. and there is nothing much to do.. when all patients are slping..

ok la.. i will stop here.. will carry on with my complains another time.. as i am feeling very very very tired... and tml i'm working in morning shift... so cya.. bb..

2007-08-29T00:08:00.000+08:00

tired tired tired... wad a tiring day.... today is the 2nd day of attachment.. so tiring... ytd was my 1st day of attachment... 3 weeks of attachment.. before i go for my europe trip... wooohooo!!! quick!! i want to go europe... hope time pass faster...

case study is really tough... why cant i just stay in year 1??? why mut we have attachment?? its so tired.... if morning shift.. we have to wake up very early... before 7 must reach... if afternoon shift... after 9 den can go home.. haiz...

wanted to go sentosa with huimin they all.. but i cant.. coz is their school events and their teacher dont allow... so sad.. i wanted to go dolphin lagoon and underwater world for a long time.. just that cant find people to go with me... haiz... forget it.. maybe that day i will be very tired and no mood to play... what a great reason to please myself... forget all about it!!! think of my europe trip!! thinking of europe trip makes me very happy!! it is really a rare opportunity that i can go!!! after going... i dont know when is the next time that i can go!!!

ok la.. will stop here.. very tired... tml still have attachment!! 14 more days!!! yay!! woohoo!!! exactly 2 weeks!! yay!! haha... lets carry on to count down... lolx...

cya...

2007-08-19T01:29:00.001+08:00

hey everyone!! EXAMS ARE HERE.. SO I WONT BE BLOGGING FOR A WHILE... GOING TO CONCENTRATE ON MY STUDIES! SO DO ALL OF YOU AR...

now.. i wishing a very BIG

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to ALL OF YOU!!!!

CYA!!!!

2007-08-06T21:45:00.000+08:00

today went on an excursion with my mother today... it was quite fun.... we sat on hipo bus for city sightseeing.. duck boat... this duck boat can travel on land and in the sea.. haha... lastly we also went up to a "hot air balloon"... it was quite fun.. took a number of picture.. let me post some here.. for the rest.. u can go to my multiply for more pics and videos...

me!! haha.. waiting for hipo bus...

hipo bus...

a sign board in hipo bus..

me again... lolx... in the hipo bus...

a building.. i forgot what is the name...

ferry wheel that is undergoing renovation....

"hot air balloon"

pictures took when i'm at the "hot air balloon"

thats all... for more pics.. go to my mulitiply... cya...

2007-08-05T18:49:00.000+08:00

i really dont understand why nowadays parents are like.... just now when i was standing by the door at the mrt.. waiting for the train to come.. at doby ghaut mrt.. then there is a mother.. holding her children's hand and stand directly in front of me.. i was not standing right in front of the door.. so when they stand directly in front of me.. means they are standing right in front of the door.. if they stand right in front of the door.. how can ppl come out when they are blocking the way??? cant they understand the logic??? why do they have to block the way... if u say kids nowadays have no manners.. i think the parents have to be responsible for it... coz they pamper their child until like nobody business...

i think they shld learn how to discipline their children... must know how to control them... kids are getting more and more demanding.. if you give in once.. they will take advantage for u... they will want you to give in the 2nd time.. the 3rd time.. and more... sometimes i see kids like just dashing around.. like there is nobody there... and when they fell parents blame us for knocking them over... why are they like that??? why cant they be more considerate??? teach their children what are manners... what are responsibility... at least teach them not to STAND RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE DOOR WHEN PPL WANT TO GET DOWN!!

i remembered got one time when i was in school... when the lift open.. everyday wanted to dash in when inside the lift is full of ppl.. i heard 1 gal said let the ppl inside come out 1st.. normally when we heard this.. we will say ok.. and move aside.. but as for this gal (another gal).. she said.. u think what? this is not mrt.. why must i move aside and let them come out... waoliao.. this kind of ppl also got.. really never use brain sia.. ok.. lets say if the lift only can accommodates 15 ppl... and inside the lift got 15... outside ppl are waiting for the lift got 10... do u think these 10 ppl can fit in when those ppl inside did not get out?? no right.. i really got very fed up.. and shouted back to those who say why must i move aside and let them come out when this is not mrt... i shouted.. if we dont get out.. do u think you can get in??? all these useless bumps.. really never use brain...

haiz.. dont talk about this dishearting stuffs...

today i went out to study with huimin... wanted to study in cine.. at level 2.. got one ice-cream shop there.. the ambiance there like not bad to study... but.. they only open at 1... so no choice we went to long john silver to study.. coz we want to spend less time travelling... but the air con at long john is too cold... so me and huimin decided to go to plaza sing.. the mac there to study... over there the ambiance not bad... nice decoration and everything.. just that a little too noisy.. but its okay for me.. i got my ipod can already.. as long as i listen to my song i can concentrate.... we studied from 145 to 515... coz we want to go home as we are feeling restless...

that is all for today... if got anything else... i will come update again.. if not.. pls wait for the next post.. haha.. lolx...

going to read my harry potter....

2007-08-04T23:17:00.000+08:00

went to wild wild wet with hm and sh today.. though is only 3 of us..but we had fun!!! we felt very happy... and the ticket is free lor.. just imagine u have to have 10++ for it lor.. so good right... the ticket actually was from hm's sis.. coz that time she had chalet to celebrate her 21st birthday with her friends.. and got 4 free tickets.. so huimin to it.. haha.. lol.. we wanted to meet at 11... but dilly dally... we started playing at around 12 plus.. haha... we had kfc for lunch.. oh ya.. talking about lunch... i told huimin to top up more.. just in case not enough money.. coz i have a feeling not enough.. oh.. top up into funkey... than she say dont need.. each person pay $5 is more than enough.. so in total.. we top up $15... den we went to rent lockers.. we need to rent lockers.. coz my bag too big.. haha... i had one whole locker for myself.. haha.. lol... then when we went for lunch.. and i calculated for huimin.. we really dont have enough money for lunch for 3 people.. so we went back.. and open the locker.. and take money out.. and lock the locker again.. wasted $2 sia... haiz.. 1 locker is $2 for single use... after lunch we went back to play.. but of coz.. we went to lazy pool to laze around... haha.. after a few rounds in lazy pool.. we went to ride the bicycle.. and started to play around.. we went to bathe around 5... and after everything.. we went back.. it was nearly 6 at that time.. so i have to go 1st.. as i promise my mother to be home b4 7 as we are having dinner together.. to celebrate my brother's 21st birthday... i brought strawberry milk shake... and bought some food from old chang kee.. and went to took mrt to tampinese to take bus.. as for sh and hm.. they went shopping in pasar ris...

on the mrt... i called my dad... to ask him to buy a small cake for my brother.. and there is a china lady beside me.. talking to her friend who was sitting beside her too.. another side of coz.. lolx... suddenly her phone rang.. and she started talking too... she talk very loud... i practically turned and stared at her.. she keep her tone down immediately... when i reach tampinese.. i took bus 22.. which is very long... i boarded the bus at around 630... very late right... pass by ellis house... and up to upper paya lebar road.. before reaching my house.. while on the bus.. i feel asleep.. and i woke up just on time.. 1 bus stop b4 i was suppose to alight... and went home for dinner.. after dinner.. we cut the cake... the cake is not sweet at all.. is chocolate cake... good man... i dont like cakes which is very sweet.. there are strawberry on top... haha..

just now.. hm told me she got burnt... oh dear!!! she is worried dont know when her skin will start peeling off.. haha.. lol...

i think thats all what i going to say... cya...

2007-08-02T23:35:00.000+08:00

i felt very sorry for playing a trick on my friend... he was like so angry... though he never show out infront of me.. but... in his blog... haiz... the whole story starts from yesterday.... i lent my harry potter and the half blood prince to him... and he read finish the book.. wanted to return me the book yesterday.. but i told him to return it to me tomorrow.. which is today... then after the lecture i saw the book being left in the lt.. i picked up the book and told my friends... they told me not to tell him and wanted to teach him a lesson... so i agreed with them as at that time i was also quite angry with him for leaving my book anyhow..

he tried to call me.. but my phone was in vibration mode and i did not feel it... and when i reached home.. i was so tired that i fell asleep immediately.. so never really care about his call and never ask him..

when i go to school today.. he asked me.. do i have the book.. i said dont have.. apparently.. i lied to him.. and he said he going to get a new one for me.. and i felt so bad... knowing his family backgrd.. but still... haiz.. :( but somehow.. i feel that he manage he knows that i lied to him.. coz of my reaction and everything.. did not talk to him for the rest of the day anymore.. i wanted to tell him in class just now.. but i dont dare to tell him.. wanted to tell him the truth.. haiz..

until i reached home.. i saw him online.. so i told him that the book is actually with me... i suddenly feel so light.. at least not go guilty for lying to him... at least the truth is out from my mouth and not others... i kept apologise to him... haha.. felt so relieved.. he said.. he also felt very relieved.. at least he dont need to pay... he thought was $48... but it was not.. $48 is for the book 7... for book 1 to 6 is $19.90...

we agreed to forget about this incident and be friends back like normal..

this is all wad i want to say about this incident... next what i'm going to say is about my NIGHTMARE!!! that i had last night... it is so fake.. i dont think ppl will believe it.. but it is true that i had this NIGHTMARE!! i got very scared that i ran to my mother's room to sleep...

the NIGHTMARE begins like this... i was having outing with my friends.. and for no reason.. my mother was there too... the place is very ulu.. dont know where the place is.. i dont think singapore even have this place... i also dont know why we went there... it was quite late... i dont know why we are heading home at that time when the place is so ulu... we are waiting for transportation... suddenly.. everyone disappeared... left me alone... i got scared.. started to look around for my mother and my friends... none of them were there...

then.. right in front of me.. i saw a car... there is key inside.. so i got in.. and started to drive... nobody was inside.. i started driving.. hoping to find a way out... the car moved very slow.. when i reached a place... even more ulu.. i wanted to drive back... coz i was really really very scared.. at this time.. i found out the car had no engine... but the car is moving... when i was about to stop to make a u-turn... i saw two men.. standing up.. looking very dirty and ugly and disgusting... they tired to pull me out of the car... of coz.. i struggled and tried to scream... but no sound came out and i felt weak all over.. what they want to do to me.. i think everyone can know la.. i dont need to type it out right... suddenly.. i manage to scream out loud... and there is sound... and it was this time that i woke up... i got up.. got very frightened.. and started crying... i took my pillow and bolster.. off the aircon and went to my mother's room to sleep with her..

story quite fake right... i also know.. like i think out one.. but.. i really had this NIGHTMARE.... it is up to you to believe it or not...

anyway.. i got to go now.. tomorrow having presentation.. my ica.. last ica!! finally.. cya..

2007-07-29T20:47:00.000+08:00

haha... yesterday was my birthday.. my 18th birthday!! haha.. i had a party yesterday... hm, sh, wl, mj & jx reach my house around 1 plus... and we went to have roti prata for our lunch.. when we came back.. we played uno and majong.. we taught wl and sh how to play... and they got addicted.. haha...

at ard 4 plus the cake came... the cake was suppose to come within 5pm to 8pm.. but it came early... i dont know why.. but just accepted it.. after a while.. yu chan came.. after a while.. the buffet is here... at around 4... messages kept coming in.. telephone kept coming in.. ppl asking me how to come my house.. for those ppl who nv come.. and they wish me happy birthday.. haha.. i'm so touched..

more and more people came.. at around 6.. huimin has to leave to attend her ah gong's birthday party.. sobs sobs.. but its okay.. she say she coming back to cut the cake with me... at around 7... dinner started... for those ppl who played majong did not eat... they only had drinks.. the rest went to have dinner.. after their dinner.. they played big 2.. haha..i sometimes join them.. chat with them.. i have been running to play majong.. play big 2.. chatting.. trying to entertain them.. hoping they would not be bored... at around 9.. we cut the cake... took pictures.. after everyone had finish their cake.. i poured a little of the red wine for everyone... is very little.. the red wine is sponsor by my dad.. he so good sia.. haha.. i wanted to buy one.. but dont know where and what to buy.. lucky he bought.. as i was pouring.. my face turned red.. as if i had drank it.. but i did not haha.. i drank in one gulp... coz i feel that if i drink it slowly.. i will not be able to drink finish it.. and my face turned very red immediately... haha..

we took more pictures.. and most of my friends left.. as it is quite late already... left is leon and my sec friends... after 10-15 mins.. wenlin, minjie, yishan and her bf left.. so left shunping.. shu hui.. and leon.. originally i was playing majong with them and leon was looking at us... finally eunice came... so i went out to chat with leon and eunice.. my dad came to take over my place to play with my friends.. i dont know know what happened.. i actually can "da xiang gong" 4 pieces and "xiao xiang gong" 2 pieces yesterday.. haha... i was not in the mood to play majong.. we chatted for around 30 mins.. and after they left.. i went to join huimin they all.. at around 1130.. shunping went home.. so hm.. sh.. and i went to send shunping.. we accompanied him to the mrt.. but he miss the last train.. so he took a cab home.. we went back home and had our supper and we went to bath..

lastly... i opened all the presents.. i loved all the presents man... haha.. they are all so sweet.. all know what i like and what suit me.. haha... thanks everyone..

after opening all the presents.. the 3 of us took pics like crazy.. and we were so tired... almost all the pics so ugly.. haha some are quite nice.. we slept at 4 and woke up at 1030.. which we are suppose to wake up at 9.. haha.. after that.. we went to have our breakfast... when we came back.. we took pictures again.. haha...

my mum send them home.. to hm.. can say directly home.. but sh.. she has to walk quite a distance before she can reach home.. coz my mum went to pick my aunt up which she stay at bb.. very near hm's house.. when i reached my grandma house.. i went to played majong again.. haha... for no reason again.. i "xiao xiang gong" twice.. for the 1st time.. 4 tiles lesser.. and 3nd time 1 tiles.. i really dont know why.. haha.. then my dad came.. he took over.. coz i think that i really dont have the mood to play.. but after 1 hrs plus later.. i want to play.. haha.. this time round.. is much more better.. haha.. my luck is here.. though no matter how lousy the tiles that i got... i still can win.. haha... after a while my dad want to play again... so let him play lor.. so i went out to watch tv again.. haha.. as usual.. lol...

let me post some pics...

my cake!! nice right?? haha...

me and my family....

my presents before unwrapped...

my presents after i unwrapped it...

i love this.. so nice right?? looks like a set....

i think that is all wad i going to write.. for more pictures.. go to my multiply.. for those who dont know my multiply website.. is www.simpliciti1989.multiply.com..... once again.. thank you everyone for coming!! thank you!!

2007-07-28T12:51:00.000+08:00

i'm quite surprise that huiqi actually came all the way to my hse just to give me a letter.. for my birthday... wow!! thanks huiqi... really a lot.. and so sorry that i cant make it on 28 Aug.. coz that day i got attachment.. how about 26?? is a saturday... but i think will have a lot of ppl.. coz i really cant make it.. actually i'm not angry... i just feel very weird.. why huimin ask me go down... and i saw mingjie and shuhui online and offline... i thought she wants to trick me.. haha... huimin.. u could not cover ur lies well.. haha.. lol.. mingjiw and shuhui had betrayed you for coming online.. and i saw them!! hahax.. lol.. dont get angry ar..

thanks for your letter.. really.. very touching.. haha.. once again.. thank you...

i'm waiting for the 1st batch of my friends to come.. that is huimin.. shu hui.. mingjie.. jiong xin... and last but not least wenlin!!! haha i think they will be reaching soon if they are not late... haha... having lunch with them.. i'm very hungry now.. hope they will reach soon..

let me post a pic of me with short hair!!

not bad right???? lolx...

will tell u more about the party later on...

if i have the time and i remembered... lolx...

see you!!

2007-07-25T20:21:00.000+08:00

its been a while that i have blogged... so sorry.. coz i was busy preparing things for my birthday which is on the coming saturday... haha.. so excited now.. haha...

will come and blog as soon as possible.. haha.. has been going to sch for 3 days already.. after 3 weeks of attachment.. which 1 week in kk and 2 weeks in imh... wow!! imh is really a totally different from the general ward... after going to imh... my perception towards those patients who have mental illness have changed.. at least i'm not as scared as the 1st day that i went... some of the patients are actually well educated... and there is different ppl from different countries..

i have learnt quite a lot of things there... able to build TNPR with patients.. for those who dont know wad is TNPR.. TNPR actually stand for therapeutic nurse patient relationship.. which means.. build a good rapport with patients...

working in imh.. u can say is very relaxing... but u also can say it is very tense... how to say ar?? like as in.. if the patients are well behaved... there will be no crisis.. but if the patient went bersak... and there will be crisis... which can be very dangerous.. u wont know when u will get injured... as we are student nurses.. we dont have key and the crisis bell.. so once in the day lounge or the dormitory or wherever we are at.. we will be totally like patients.. no place to go.. imh is totally like in prison.. that is the bad thing for students...

whenever there is a crisis.. it is the best for students to stay away and observe how the staff nurses handle the problem...

i think i'm going to stop here... will try to come and blog asap... really.. haha.. thank you for your understanding.. haha.. cya..

2007-06-30T22:54:00.000+08:00

today went to sentosa again... haha... quite fun today... not as bored as last week.. but still feel quite extra.. not as in being left out... just feel that.. all from NP.. and i'm the only one from NYP... just imagine that u went out with a group of friends.. which all of them are from different sch of u.. but they all are in the same school... no matter how close u are.. i think u will still have the same thinking as me..

played frisbee and volleyball.. my right hand is red and swollen now.. haha.. those who played volleyball should know why my hand will be red and swollen... soak myself in the sea.. and played with sea water.. of coz.. haha.. lolx... the guys are quite friendly.. there is a guy.. i think his name is called eugene.. if i'm not wrong.. haha.. sorry that if i got ur name wrongly.. whenever we are playing... if would let the girls one.. like when we are playing frisbee... he would go and so called 'snatch' it from the guys.. and not the girls... lolx...

had maggie mee again.. but it was delicious.. haha.. that was lunch.. went to carl's jr for dinner... 1st time going there.. the food not.. not bad...

abit burnt today.. not like last week.. did not turn dark at all.. but compare to the rest of them.. mine is small case.. haha.. coz i'm only abit burnt.. haha... not like them.. very red.. especially wl.. she turned dark.. and very dark... haha...

took some pictures.. let me post some pictures... for more.. i think u have to go hm's blog.. which she does not have the pic yet.. coz she have not reach home yet.. and i have not send her.. haha...

me!! trying to act cute but cant.. haha... so ugly right....

haha.. what did u see?? 5 heads.. haha.. lolx...

haha.. whose shadows are these??? lol.. me and hm!!! haha... can guess whose is whose??? lol so obvious...

me.. hm.. sh.. wl.. (from left to right)

all of us... except for 1.. cant remember his name...

i think thats all for today... cya...

2007-06-24T21:36:00.000+08:00

went sentosa yesterday... sentosa really changed a lot sia... walk until so blur... haha.. we went suntanning.. sh is the worst man.. she became chao tar already... haha.. followed by hm.. she became red very fast.. but also became black very fast... haha.. as for me... did not really turn dark... know what.. i actually fell asleep while sun tanning... haha.. coz i lie down.. and the sun like really force us to close our eyes.. and very comfortable lying on the sand... but of coz.. i did not really sleep.. still know what is happening in our surroundings...

i'm so angry with my dad.. i know i should not be saying this.. but i really cannot help it..
我觉得有这种父亲，感到很羞耻。if those ppl really know my family very well.. will know what kind of character is my father... i really hate this family!!!!!

haiz.. dont talk about this kind of unhappy stuff anymore!!

tml.. must go back to sch already.. sian!!! on tues got 2 icas somemore...

haiz...

ok la..

gotta go..

bye...

2007-06-21T02:56:00.000+08:00

now is nearly 3am already.. and i just studied finish what i want to study for my bio!! finally... i'm so tired now.. feeling very hungry as i did not have my dinner and i'm freezing coz my air-con is very cold.. when is only at 23... when my old house i on it at 17.. and is not that cold lor...

i woke up at ard 7am.. and started to change.. i left the house at around 8am.. my mother sent me to dover mrt.. so i took a train to BB and to hm's house.. the reason why i want to go hm's house is because i scared that i will overslept... so reach hm's house at around 9am... haha.. she was still sleeping at that time.. lol.. we left at around 1030... as we are suppose to meet at k box (@ clementi) at 10.55am... oh ya.. i went to k box with hm.. sh.. mj.. sp.. py.. and supposedly hq... why we chose to go for k lunch at clementi is because of someone.. which is HUIQI!!! coz she always wanted to go k lunch and want to go clementi is because is cheaper.. but at the end!! she did not turn up!! we spent ard $13 per person on the k lunch... and their lunch is like.. omg!!! the worst food that i have ever taken...

we left the k box at 2pm.. and went to town.. and walk around cine.. after which.. we sat at yoshinoya... for ard 2 hrs... we sat at yoshinoya and started chatting.. den mj took my ipod and started to listen with hm... after which.. we walked to far east.. as sh says she wants to buy something... we walked ard far east.. but sh still cant find the bangle that she wants.. after a while.. py has something on.. so she left.. and the 5 of us went to long john silver to have our dinner.. mj did not eat.. me and sh only ate a piece of chocolate cake as we dont feel like eating at that time.. so only hm and sp had a proper dinner.. lolx... we chat again.. haha..

sp suggested to play pool.. as he say he hand very 'itchy'.. want to play pool.. so we went to lucky plaza and played pool.. haha.. i actually still remember how to play.. when i only learnt when i was in sec 1 or 2.. and i did not play anymore ever since sec 3.. which is like ard for 4 yrs.. haha.. sh and hm learnt how to play.. and we took a number of pics...

me and huimin....

me and sh... i looks so ugly...

me.. hm.. and sh.. (from right to left)

me.. hm.. and mj.. (from right to left)

sp.. mj.. hm.. sh.. (from left to right)... this is a nice pic.. but i not inside.. sad sia.. :( sobs sobs...

mj took these 2 pics.. quite nice right.. i like the top one..

these are some of the pictures la.. too many already.. cant show all... haha

cya.. very late already... nites..

2007-06-18T18:29:00.000+08:00

feeling very tired already... i dont want to know what has happened already... i'm not saying that whatever u say are wrong...you said i ai mai ai mai.... coz i do not know whether u all will cancel the whole thing not... when i ask u out too.. u all always say that oh... not sure lei.. maybe not free... you all think that i very happy to hear that.. i understand everyone has projects to do.. i also have... since yr 1.. i almost every week have 2 or more presentation.. though is not counted in our results.. but.. i still have to do it.. beside doing all these presentation that is not counted.. i still have to do our major presentation which is called ICA(in-course assessment) this is counted in our results.. we also need to practice and everything.. just that this sem we have lesser module by 1 or 2... so we dont have much presentation...

but my timetable like sucks.. everyday start 8, 9, 10... den end ard 4, 5, 6.. and even 8pm!!! do u think that i have the time to go out?? and our break time only 1 hr.. or 2 hrs... we have lesson straight 3 hrs.. 4 hrs.. sometimes if out lecturer change lesson we even have straight 5 hrs... take away our break time..

i'm not trying to say that my timetable is more hectic den you.. just that i want to let u know that not only you are the one who is busy.. i'm also quite busy.. just that our group leader for this sem wants us to finish all our pojects before week 9.. which is before our holiday starts.. so that we do not need to go to sch during holiday... it is not that i have lesser projects than you... do you know that we have completed our projects which we have to present in week 16! just imagine that u have to finish all your presentation before week 9 when people just started to do their presentation at around week 8...

u said i changed.... i have changed to what?? i agreed.. people do change.. i also feel that u have changed too.. but do u found out that.. whenever we go out.. u all have been talking about ur sch.. ur friends.. which i dont even know.. i'm not saying u all cant talk about ur sch.. or ur friends... but i'm there.. can u all please be considerate.. just imagine that i'm talking with my friends and keep saying about my sch stuff... our friends.. what will u feel...

yah.. i said u all have camp last week.. i nv say that u all have to come out and dont go for camps and accompany me... i'm just saying that u all are having fun... just give me some of ur fun.. like going out together.. so that everybody can have fun and be happy together.. isn't this good.. why do u have to say that u all have to come and accompany and dont go for camps... i'm not saying that u have to cancel all ur activities just to come our with me... just try... try to find a day which everyone is free to go out together.. and go out and have fun!

haiz..

2007-06-18T00:26:00.000+08:00

haiz.... why is this happening??? why ask me out and cancel everything??? before u plan everything u should know that there is a possible that only a few will go.. when i ask u all out.. u all say not free.. nvm.. i already give up... just tell u all when u are free just tell me... then at the end? tell me u free.. want to go out.. and u cancel it.. can u all stand in my shoe and think about how i feel?? do u know that how does it feel that when someone gives u hope and dashed ur hope.. the feelings.. u know?? in chinese.. there is a saying.. "心望越大失望越大".... u know that staying at home very sian... when u got nothing to do.. beside u all have a great activities last week.. how about me?? i stayed at home and rot... did nothing..

hiaz....

2007-06-15T19:53:00.000+08:00

going to the end of 1st week of holiday already... soon 2nd week will come.. and soon.. school going to start soon.. which will be week 11.. ICAS!!!! OMG!!! i hate it man... i still have not study for my ICAS!!!! still watching vcd.. healing hands 3.. OMG!!! its so nice la.. why didn't i study hard for my O level?? den i can go JC den to uni.. den can be doc... see those doctors save ppl.. wao!!! so cool!!! when will be my turn to save people?? still have 1 and an half years before i graduate... but den... i'm still slacking.. when can i start to work hard for my future???

whenever i saw my results.. i'm so unhappy with it.. and keep telling myself.. i must work hard!! i must not slack anymore.. but then... in the end.. i still continuing slacking.. and my grades are dropping... who can help me??

forget about those exams and everything... lets enjoy 1st... going to enjoy for 2 more days.. before i going to start studying.. going to start on monday... next week maybe going to ellis's house to study... and we agreed to study together... but only dont know where to go and study??

i have watched pirates of the caribbean 3 and shrek 3 this week.. it is so nice!!! anyone want to watch pirates of the caribbean?? i don't mind watching with you again.. provided that i'm free.. haha.. harry potter and the order of phoenix is coming out next month!! i'm going to watch that too.. haha.. okay.. actually i'm suppose to save money for my europe trip.. but den.. forget it.. i really wants to watch it.. haha..

today met yusi at westmall.. we had mos together with her 2 friends.. they went to play badminton!! OMG!! never ask me go la.. anyway.. back to topic.. den accompained yusi to study after lunch... they were doing pure maths.. OMG!! its like so similar to A maths.. but i do not know whether is it similar not.. as maths now to me.. is an alien language.. coz i have forgotten our to do already.. like differentiate... and everything.. i really have forgotten everything.. as my nursing course do not really need to touch on maths.. or to be more specific.. what i have learnt in sec.. those pure sciences like physic and chem... is useless to me now...

now is 8.06pm.. and i'm hungry.. and dinner is not ready... haiz....

know what.. i had piano class today.. and i forgot something very important.. that is i forgot to bring my pieces!! and nothing to play today!! that is the most important book.. if i forgot to bring any book is still okay.. but if i never bring that.. i cant play anything.. coz i did not remember the pieces.. i must see the scores to play.. haha.. forget it.. its all over.. we spent all the time doing theory.. playing scales and sight reading.. thats all.. haha...

i think i want to go take a look.. whether my dinner is ready not.. feeling very giddy now.. lack of food.. haha..

cya..

2007-06-11T02:44:00.000+08:00

today is the start of my 2 weeks break of holiday... people maybe sleeping now.. some maybe doing revision for week 11 icas... some preparing for their presentation.. but me?? don't know what i should do.. wanted to sleep.. but.. not feeling tired.. so i came here to blog..

who understand me?? i don't think anybody understand me.. including my family members.. my close friends?? hmm.. i don't think they understand me too.. yes.. i agree that i get frustrated easily and over small matter.. but this is my character.. what can i do?? i'm already trying to change.. why cant they understand me??

feeling depressed?? i don't think so.. not desperate until that.. just feeling upset.. maybe one day i will get depression.. studying for icas is actually not stress.. stress is just an excuse not to study.. and a way to escape from reality..

during my poly life and during attachment.. i found out people are actually not as kind as i thought.. they are like.. i don't know how to say.. but those people who have went for attachment should know what i'm saying.. the feelings.. u are so angry with them.. but u cant do anything.. haiz..

i just dont understand why is this happening to me?? i really hope that i can get happiness and warmth from my family.. people may think that i very fortunate.. whatever i want.. my parents can give it to as long as it is within their means.. but do you think this is really fortunate??? i think that if u are poor.. as long as your family stays together... is really fortunate.. i may appear to have a brother.. but who knows?? i hardly talk to him.. people say that among siblings that we need to share things.. example like camera.. but.. not for us.. i agree to share.. but my brother will be the one who keep on hogging to it.. i hardly see him too.. maybe one day just a glimpse... and thats all..

every family has it's own problem.. i agree.. outsiders will not be able to understand what is going on.. this can be my family problem.. but to someone else.. this is not really a problem.. some family problem is that they facing financial problems... actually to me.. this is only one of the problems in my house.. there are more major problems.. for those who really know me very well.. they will know..

lets don't talk about all these.. this makes people so sad and dishearting.. lets talk about something more happy and interesting...

holiday are here.. people always like holidays.. as we dislike studying and working.. to some people.. holidays are here.. so they can play.. but some.. can go to work to earn some income.. but i think for these 2 weeks of holiday.. i cant really play much as there are icas on week 11.. which means.. right after the 2 weeks of holiday..

what i'm going to say next.. people may envy.. or wad.. that is.. i'm going europe during our september holiday.. and going for around 3 weeks... cool right.. actually i'm very looking for it.. please pardon me if i did not buy anything for you.. coz things is europe is really very expensive.. i may not even my stuff for my relatives.. but i will try to get some small and cheap and cute stuffs back.. but i cant guarantee that i will buy..

hahax.. talk about europe trip.. my friend is more anxious than me.. she has already started thinking what she is going to bring for the europe trip.. this is going to be hilarious.. as she is going to bring a lot of things.. as if that she is moving house.. those who are in the same class as me.. you will know who i'm taking about.. haha.. she say that she is going to bring a straighter.. i think this is very big clue.. and she is going to bring hair spray and tons of stuff..

will tell u all more about the europe trip when i come back... will tell u where i went.. and if possible.. i will show u all the pics...

haha.. cya.. want to sleep now.. :P

2007-06-09T20:30:00.000+08:00

Chapter 20

I stroked his hands softly. Feeling the warmth. This is not another dream, isn't it? The images are so clear. I can feel beads of sweat on my forehead. There are so many colours. Jacky has just opened his eyes.

I heard voices when I was sleeping. I thought the voices were just part of my dream, but the voices in my dream sounded so real, yet the images in it looked so hazy. Now, as I rubbed my eyes, both the voices and images were real. This is definitely not a dream.

"Talk to me." I said, my voice a bit dry.

"Hey, hello to my girl, Joanna." His voice rang again, louder this time. His eyes were half-closed and he was smiling. "Where's my peeled apple?"

I could feel my mouth opening wide and my throat choking with phlegm. I wanted to jump onto him, giving him the hug of his life. But if I really do that, he may plunge back into a coma again.

"You idiot." I whispered, toying with his fingers. "You idiot, do you know your mum was going to let you go if you had decided to wake up tomorrow? Do you known, huh? Why don't you just go to hell?"

Jacky laughed weakly. "I choose my dates carefully."

"You sure do."

"Like, when I was in Secondary One, I chose Candy Tzu as my date. When I was in Secondary Two, I chose Ru Hua. Well, when I was in Secondary Three-"

"Not funny." I cut in.

"In Secondary Three, I chose Joanna Fung, and I’ll make her my date forever."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When I first saw my grandmother's photo in her funeral, I squeezed Jacky's right hand tight. I did not shed any tears. I just started, and stared, and stared.

My grandmother had passed peacefully two weeks before my A Levels. Initially, when I saw her lying on the sofa. I thought she was just rersting. I went forward, wanting to wake her up. It was then I realized she was smiling but her eyes were closed.

When I noticed that she was not breathing, I did not call the ambulance instantly. Instead, I paced up and down, and finally, I called Jacky. Until now, the cause is still unknown. It seemed to be of old age.

"You're a strong girl." Jacky said to me.

There were less than ten people attending the funeral, and I felt sad for my grandmother. Still, I did not cry.

"Come on, sit down. I've got something to tell you." Jacky said, motioning to a chair. When I settled down, he passed me a packet of drink. "Remember the letter I wrote for you? I asked my mother to pass it to you if I were in coma."

I nodded.

"Well, I did say something about an old lady in your void deck, giving me some advice on love right? That love is either yes, or no. There're no other excuses.

My heart skipped a beat. My grandmother had told me that before, and Jacky heard this from some old lady near my void deck.

"Your grandmother was the old lady."

Now I really felt like crying. Firstly my grandmother became my chat mate. Then my advisor. And now I discovered that she had also contributed me Jacky.

"Now, look here." Jacky pointed to my left. I turned my head and wheezed. It was the old man in the park at the hospital who had given the advice of love as well.

"What the…"

The old man staring at my grandmother’s coffin with teary eyes. After a while, he said something to himself and went off.

"Ours is not the saddest story in the world. There're so many stories going on. Ours is just one of the many."

End of Chapter 20

This is the end of the story.. Sorry that i took so long to update the stories...

2007-06-09T20:24:00.000+08:00

Chapter 19

The doorbell rang when I was rubbing my grandmother's leg. I did not eel like going to the door, thinking that it must be some salesman trying to promote a new kind of 'super' vacuum cleaner. But grandmother pointed to the door and nodded her head.

I got signal and went to the door. The moment I opened the door, my eyes nearly dropped out and I but my teeth hard. It was Jacky's mother. She was expressionless, staring at me as if I ad just done something wrong.

I knew there were only two reasons on why she had come: Either it was a good news or bad news about Jacky. Judging from her red eyes, I knew it had to be bad news.

"Joanna." She started and I began to wonder how she got my address. But I knocked that thought off and concentrate on her. "This is from Jacky." She passed me a white envelope. "He said if anything happened to him, I must give you this letter."

I felt the letter with my fingers. There was only a single piece of paper in the envelope.

"He's still showing no response. It's over. If he still doesn't wake up next week, I'm cutting off the life support."

I stared at the envelope for I dared not look at Jacky’s mother. I closed my eyes and waited for to say something. But she kept quiet. So I nodded, said goodbye to her and slammed the door shut.

"If he still doesn't wake up next week, I'm cutting off the life support."

Was this guy who had told me a joke about a matchstick that had scratched its head them died?

Was this guy the guy who had told me that he would always be my sunshine?

Was this the guy whom I loved deeply?

My grandmother made her way slowly to her room. She was singing some old Chinese song which I did not understand. I jumped onto the sofa, switched on the lamp and tore the envelope open gently.

Was this guy Jacky?

Gosh. My tears came again, and I knew they would keep on falling unless I drifted into oblivion.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Dear Joanna,

As I am writing this letter, freezing remorse is washing inside my body. The ward is serene, and only in this quietness that I can fill my thoughts on this piece of paper. I regretted so many things yet I can do nothing now. I should have, yet I did not. Joanna, what I wanted to tell you is that I love you.

Since the day I first talked to you, I told myself that I must not fall in love with you. As we got closer, I continued to tell myself that I did not love you. I held your hand, I cried when you cried, I smiled when you smiled, but still, o told myself: No, I don't love you.

I must not love you, for I may leave this world anytime. But just now, someone told me something meaningful. I was taking a rest in the park when I saw an old man in his seventies. We chatted, and he said this to me: "In love, wither you love, or you don't."

It was then I remembered the day I walked you home. A frail old lady, also in her seventies, chatted with me. Somehow our conversation also ended with this sentence, "In love, wither you love, or you don't"

In love, wither I love you, or I don't. Joanna, I had been thinking. I had been trying not to love you, but the fact remains: I love you, I can try to forget you, I can try not to love you, but still, it still boils down to this single sentence: I love you.

My message. My SMS messages. I know you have not deleted it. Go decode it.

If you’re reading this letter, I must be in a coma. But I just want to tell you, Joanna, I just want to tell you how much I love you.

Just wait for me if I'm in coma. I'll be back. Peel an apple for me; I'll be still having it. This letter will be my motivation to wake up.

Wait for me. Wait for the sunshine. Wait for the clouds to clear. Wait. For. Me.

Jacky Wu

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Someone once said that time would dry the tears. It had been a month, yet my tears kept on dropping whenever I saw him.

Jacky had been going on a glucose diet for the past thirty days. I tried talking to him everyday, singing to him every week but still, he did not move.

Where’re the promise you mad to me?

If I had one of the abilities of God, I would have chosen to relive my past, and slowly, tenderly, treasuring every single hour, minute and seconds with you. Every single moment with you.

But it was too late. All too late.

I laid my head onto the side of his bed. It had been an exhausting day for me. I had to hand up all my tutorials today and I was going to have a tough economics test the following day. It had been a long while since I had a good night's sleep.

The moment I closed my eyes, I drifted into a deep sleep. In my sleep, I forgot everything and divided into a beautiful dream. I was in a crowded bus. A masculine voice captured my attention.

"Hey, hello!"

I glanced up, looking for someone. A guy had just boarded the bus, and he was smiling at me. I smiled back instantly, feeling an urge to walk to him. He squeezed past everybody in the bus and stood beside me.

"Hello!"

He yelled although he was just beside me. I laughed, but still I said nothing, as if a force was sealing my mouth.

"Hello to Joanna!"

Somehow, I felt a familiarity in this scene. Even the voice sounded familiar. I took a deep breath and regained control of myself. I looked around with my tired body and saw myself in the ward.

"Hello. Where's my peeled apple?" The images had just been a dream, but the voices were reality.

End of Chapter 19

2007-05-20T23:19:00.000+08:00

Chapter 18

I tried to kill time by counting my breaths, but it was the dumbest thing to do. I gave up after my hundredth breath.

I was waiting at the backstage, looking at plays staged by other classes. One of out buddy classes did very well, causing the entire audience give a standing ovation at the end of their performances. I wondered if ours would cause such a stir.

The wait was finally over. The host announced my class's name, and the curtain was drawn. AVA crew rushed onto the stage out of nowhere to position the microphones and other props to put desired position. I was expecting the break to last for more than two minutes, but before I knew it, two AVA members pulled the curtain opened and a round applause rang across the hall.

Johnny said something on stage, and when I heard a loud "thump", I took in a long deep breath and stepped onto the stage. A few people in the audience "oohed" and "aahed". I continued strolling forward until I was just in front of Johnny. His eyes were closed.

Slowly, I kneeled and held his head.

"I want Joanna to be Juliet. J for Joanna."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Everyone sat outside the operating theatre, just like the scenes from those melodramatic Channel 8 drama serials that always showed on TV at nine o'clock.

Jacky's mother sat closest to the door. Our classmates were all close to a vending machine, and me, I was sitting the furthest from the door. I had told them to leave me alone, for I knew now words could no longer calm my soul.

Memories of Jacky lingered in my mind. I imagined what would happened five hours from now: Would I be dancing with happiness, or would I be crying in depression?

Half an hour passed, but I felt like half a century. The lobby was so quiet and scary tat nurses dared not walk pass us unless there was a real need to. I unleashed my pack of Marlboro - to the surprise of my classmates - and began to unwrap it. I did not smoke there, of course.

Another fifteen minutes passed. I clapped my hands together. For the past seventeen years, I had not believed in the man above us. Now, I closed my eyes and prayed.

God, if you're up there, do me a favour. Just this favour, please.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The song played loudly in the background. Someone in the stage was singing along, but her voice sucked, compared to Trademark's melodic voice. I stared at Johnny's closed eyes.

"Wake up." I whispered, my voice amplified by my microphone clipped on my collar. "Wake up, wake up please. I beg you, just wake up. You made so many promises. So many. Don't die on me, Romeo. Don't leave me alone here! Please!"

Johnny had no response. He was, after all, a professional. I clicked my fingers, and the song played again. Beside me was a glass of chestnut juice that I had drank for more than fifty times during the rehearsals.

"Please. Stay with me. I love you. That’s what you've been trying to tell me, isn't it? I love you..."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

After an hour passed, I read the messages that Jacky had sent me again.

I'm sorrie if I say anything wrong… u will still come for the appointment, won't u? Let me fetch you on that day, okie? Only you can help yourself. come on, reply a yes… Vent your thoughts to others please… it's the only way out. Ease your illusions! let me help… You've gonna come for it! Only you… Yourself can help yourself… understanding yourself is most important…

He said that there was message coded in it. What message? I read it, again and again. It did not ring a bell until I wrote it down in a piece of paper.

Gosh. I dropped the phone and the pen. I dropped my head, and I nearly dropped on the floor myself. Now I knew what he was trying to say after all. It all made so much sense. So much sense.

I jumped up and dashed towards the door of the operating room. A few of my classmates caught me by my arms and shoulders. I continued to struggle towards the door, but they held me back.

"What’re you doing?!" they demanded.

I tried to keep their hands off me but their combined strength was too great for me. So I relaxed and went to my knees. Jacky's mother was still holding on to a calm expression.

I looked at my watch, the watch that Jacky had given me. And hour more before the operation ends. I stared around the lobby, and stunned faces were all looking at me. I kept my feelings in check and went back to my seat, clapping my hands together again.

Jacky, you'll better wake up. I've decoded your message. Silly!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Come on, wake up. Everyone wants a happy ending. Wake up, wake up…" My face was now bathed with tears. I could hear a few soft sobs in the audience, followed by a few "wows". My performance must have been very impressive.

I grabbed the cup of chestnut juice. "Poison…" I said, staring at it as if it would change colour. "Poison. What for I live if you’re not around? I live because of you. Now that you’re gone…" I recalled that I should add in some Singlish to inject humour into the play. So I said, "No use liao. I’ll die then!"

No one laughed. Instead, I hear more people crying.

I gulped down the chestnut water in one smooth feat. Soon after that, I was lying beside Johnny. A few seconds later, Johnny stirred, and slowly I felt him holding my head. I did not concentrate on what he said, for my part was already over. When he screamed, he lied onto my back and the song was played again.

"But only love can stay

Try again or walk away

But I believe

For you and me

The sun will shine one day

So I just play my part

And pray you’ll have a change of heart

But I can’t make you see it through

That’s something only love can do…"

Is there something only love can do? When everything fails, shall I turn to love?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I did not pick up my handphone nor did I pick up the piece of paper on the flood. I was rooted to my seat, and when I examined my hand, I realized I was shaking non-stop.

When my first teardrop slashed onto the piece of paper, I clutched my and. At my tenth teardrop, the door opened, and almost everyone stood up except me. I dragged my head up slowly, and stared at the scene in front of me. This was the moment I had been waiting for, yet I suddenly did not feel like knowing the truth.

The doctor came out first. There were dark rings around his eyes, as if a victim of lack of sleep. As he talked to Jacky's mother, he shook his head once. Then Jacky’s mother cupped her face with her hands, and the doctor tapped her shoulder softly.

I dropped my head backwards and felt a sharp pain on my skull.

Fuck.

The doctor whispered something to her, and then pointed to the ward. I was trying to read his lips but he was too fast. Jacky’s mother uncapped her face and stared at the doctor, then shook her head softly, mumbling something. A few minutes later, the doctor pointed to a nurse and walked off.

The nurse said something to Jacky's mother. My classmates all crowded around, their expressions a fusion of fear. I ruffled my hair and snorted aloud.

"Jacky." I whispered, so soft that I wondered if anything came out from my mouth.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Jacky’s not only a classmate, not only a friend. He’s a role model, a leader's leader, a mediator and the best person I’ve ever seen in my life." Michael was saying. He put the piece of paper he had been reading into his breast pocket and continued. "I’ve only remembered myself crying twice. Once was when I watched the movie Titanic. And the second time…"

The audience was so quiet that no one dated to cough. Michael finally squeezed a tear out from his left eye, and he muttered softly into the mic, "This is the third time."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When I saw Michael steeping back, plunging onto the nearest seat, I knew it was something really bad.

He enveloped his face with his large hands, and when he jerked a few times, I knew he was crying. I confirmed it when drops of water seeped down his wrist. Michael was crying. Jacky's mother was crying as well. All my classmates started to cry as well.

Everyone was crying. I glanced at the piece of paper. Not only had it been dampened. The entire floor beneath me was a pool of tears.

Is this how death looks like?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"But." Michael cut in. most of the girls in the audience were crying, including those in other classes who did not know who Jacky was. "But Jacky once told me, boys shall not cry. We’re born with boarder shoulders to let girls cry on out shoulders. So," he wiped off his tears. Well he failed. They kept on coming." Let’s go with Jacky’s advice. This is for you, Jacky." He smiled, and walked away from the mic.

There should have been two hosts, a boy and a girl. But the girl was nowhere to be seen. The boy went to the stage and announced. "Let’s welcome Jacky's best friend's Joanna, to dedicate a message to Jacky."

A round of weak applause greeted me. I stepped forward to the mic and adjusted it to my height. Then I pulled out a piece of paper from my pocket and stared at it. It was a page long, and I had spent two hours penning it.

I started to read it. "Jacky Wu Zhong Xian is a very-" I paused. Then I crushed the paper into a ball and dropped it. Looking at the audience with my earnest eyes, I said, "There was once a matchstick who scratched its head. Then it died."

There was no response from the audience.

"That boy didn't laugh." I said, pointing to an empty space in the hall. "The guy with glasses and short hair. Yeah, that's the one. He never laughs!"

I closed my eyes. It was too hard. I imagined myself in the audience, showing him an angry look. "Jacky," I started, my eyes still closed. "Can you please… wake up from your dreams and laugh at my joke? I beg you."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I was still immobilized by the shock when I heard a voice.

"You must be Joanna." I looked up. It was the doctor. Upon closer examination, I realized he could be less than forty-years-old. I nodded, waiting anxiously for what he was about to say.

"Before Mr. Wu went into the operating room, he said these to me: 'Doctor, I've got a stupid rock in my head. Get it out because I wanna marry a girl call Joanna Fung. Alright? I'll invite you to our wedding. So you’ll better get this rock out in order to attend our wedding.'"

He paused, and then continued, "I'm sorry things turned out this way."

I took in a deep long breath but I did not exhale. My hands were glued to the side of the chair.

"Well, Joanna, I don't know whether you're the luckiest, or the most unlucky girl in the world."

I cried, and I forgot when I stopped crying.

End of Chapter 18

2007-03-31T03:41:00.000+08:00

Chapter 17

I washed my tears at the sink. I did not dare to look at the mirror, for I knew in the reflection stood a murderer.

Jacky is dying.

I suddenly wanted to talk to someone, but who could I talk to? I had only grandmother to talk to now, but I did not feel it appropriate to talk to her about this.

In the end, with my eyes still swollen from the crying, I went back to the ward. Jacky smiled when he saw me, waving the book “Destiny’s Cries” on his hand. “Nice book, isn’t it?”

I said nothing. I sat beside him, confused over what I had done. My curses always come true, isn’t that the case? Always…

“Look at you. You’ve cried so much that your eyes are like tomatoes. Come; let me tell you a joke. Remember that day?”

Which day was he referring to? He acted as if I could remember every day.

“You know, that day, when I went on stage and said a joke, and you didn’t laugh?”

Oh. That day.

“You weren’t listening to me that day, right? Okay, I’m going to do an encore of it. You remain seated.” He pushed his blanket away. I was blinking fast, feeling an unusual pain in my eyes. Then he stood on the bed. I could see his legs shaking, not sure because of his fear or his cancerous cells.

“What the-” I pushed my chair away. “Come down! What are you doing? It’s dangerous!”

“Miss Joanna Fung, sit down, if not, I’ll keep on standing here till you sit down. Now, I’m going to repeat my performance on 27th March 2001!”

I sank into my seat. He still remembers the exact date? Gosh. He’s… amazing.

“There was once a matchstick who scratched its head. Then it died.”

I could not believe he was doing all these. The joke was funny – in fact, very funny – but I was in no mood to laugh. Before I could say anything, he cut in again.

He pointed at me and said, “That girl didn’t laugh.” Then he jumped a step, lowered his eyebrows and raised the pitch of his voice. “Which girl?” Again he jumped a step and said in his normal voice, “That girl with the glasses and long hair.” In a high pitched voice: “You mean the girl with tied up hair?” His voice: “Yeah, that’s the one. She never laughs!” High pitched: “Joanna! You didn’t laugh?”

Finally he jumped one more step and clapped his hand. He seemed to be more active now, but he was panting softly. He darted his eyes onto mine, and this time, he said very softly, “Joanna, can you please wake up from your dreams and laugh at my joke? I beg you.”

I lay back on my seat and started shaking with uncontrollable laughter. He was replaying that day so brilliantly, as if we had taken a trip back in time. Suddenly I could smell the scent of that very day: The laughter of my classmates, my anger when he pointed at me and the embarrassment when I “laughed” sarcastically. It all came back like a bolt of lightning.

Jacky seemed exhausted. He beamed weakly, and slowly, lay back on the bed. Beads of sweat were escaping from his forehead.

“You laughed.” He said. “You laughed. That’s nice. It’s been so long since I hear you laughing. Can you do me a favour?”

Actually, I knew exactly what he was going to say next.

Still, I asked, “What?”

“Laugh more often.”

“I want you to hear my laughter.” I proclaimed. I was shaking my head, biting my teeth. That bastard. If he survives, I’m willing to do even a hundred favours for him. “Just… survive.”

“Alright, I promise. You promise as well, okay?” he whipped out his last finger.

I crossed my last finger with his. “I promise.”

You silly boy, just survive.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

On Saturday, I went to the hospital early in the morning. As I had predicted, Jacky was sleeping. So I peeled an apple for my breakfast and before I could take a bite, I heard his voice.

“Ah, an apple for breakfast. How nice.” He held out his hand, as if waiting for me to pass him the apple.

I gave it to him. Soon after that, we started chatting. I tried not to talk about the surgery, but somehow, in the mist of the chat, I still blurted it accidentally.

“It’s an easy operation.” He told me, his face beaming with confidence. “They’d just open up my skull, pull out the rock and sew my head back.”

I said nothing and so he reached for the drawer. I helped him open it and saw a familiar watch inside. “Can you take out the watch?” His hand was shaking. Gosh oh gosh, I suddenly remembered what the doctor once said.

“He’s slowly losing his ability to co-ordinate his muscle movements due to the cancer cells in his cerebellum. Just don’t let him do strenuous movements.”

I held the watch in my hand. It was the watch that he had given me for my birthday, the watch that I had thrown away in anger. Yet it still looked so new, as if it had just been cleaned.“I really needed to pee that day. That’s why I ran off in such a hurry. I wasn’t embarrassed!”

“Okay, I believe you.”

“And er… remember the twenty bucks that I owe you?”

“Twenty bucks?”

“Yeah. That day when I needed a taxi to go home. Look, my wallet is-”

“Can you return it to me after your surgery?” I interrupted. “Please.”

He shrugged, laughing. “Okay. Gosh, I’ll wake up with a large load of debts.”

“Just one.”“I also promised my mother that I’ll return her with a lifetime of love after I’ve wake up.”

“Oh.”

Can you also return me with a lifetime of love after you’ve wake up?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Someone once told me the longest wait is not created by the amount of time passed, but by your mind.

I was sitting beside Jacky, peeling another apple. He could not eat, for he would be undergoing the surgery in an hour’s time. I took a bite out of my apple and understood why he was so keen on eating these apples: The taste was a balanced combination of sweet and sour.

Jacky smiled, as if he was reading my mind. His face was an obvious victim of cancer: His bright and round eyes had veins snaking around. He must have lost at least three kilograms within this week.

“One more hour.” He whispered. Or maybe he was shouting. That was his loudest voice.

“One more hour.” I replied.

And so, we spent the next thirty minutes chatting about anything and everything. He told me about his mother, and I thanked him for bringing my grandmother back into my life.

“I didn’t do much. She was always beside you. You just didn’t notice her till now.”

As usual, he was that modest. Suddenly, he asked, “Can I hold your hand?”

I blushed and did not reply. However, my right hand automatically reached for him. And then we locked our hands.

“Wait for me, okay?”

I nodded.

“I’ll be back. So don’t you run off! I’m still the sun, shining on you, the flower. I’ll be back once the cloud moves away. Wait, just wait, okay?””

I turned my head to prevent him from seeing my teary eyes. A nurse came in, and for that moment I wanted to yell unlimited curses at the nurse. But I stopped myself and turned to Jacky.

“Hello, you’d better come back. Even if you’re in hell or heaven, or any other place, you’d better come back here. Because I’ll…” I could not continue. I paused, gave myself a breather, and said, “I’ll be here, waiting for you.”

He let go of my hand and used a finger to poke my hand. It was his last finger, intimating me to shake it. I held out my last finger as well and we locked finger, shaking up and down.

“I promise.”

“I promise too.”

And as he was wheeled off, I experienced the longest wait in my life.

End of Chapter 17

2007-03-31T03:27:00.000+08:00

Chapter 16

I had come to a profound conclusion: I had the most complicated life in the world.

Firstly, I had a fatal curse. Secondly, my longtime best friend was imaginary. Thirdly, the guy whom I love so much is dying.

Everything in my world seemed to collapse all of a sudden. I skipped school one day and visited Jacky. My classmates kept on asking me to go for the last full-dress rehearsal of the play but I declined. What good can a stupid play do now?

Jacky, as usual, was snoring his head off in the morning. I refilled the water in the flask, bought fruits to top up the basket and dug out a book to read. It had been a long while since I had read a book. The book was entitled “Destiny’s Cries”, a romantic love story set in Singapore written by Low Kay Hwa. Not too long ago, someone (I forgot who) introduced the book to me but I had refused to read it. Now, in this forlorn ward occupied only by Jacky and me, I began reading the first page.

I spent my morning listening to Jacky’s snores and reading the book. Amazingly, I finished the book within a few hours and was crying at the ending.

The story was about a guy, Alan, who found a girl, Destiny, at a rooftop. Alan went to the rooftop another day and saw Destiny again, and realized later in the story that Destiny had always been waiting for him there. But when they fell in love, trials and tribulations appeared and Alan was faced with a challenge that would test his love forever.

I began to peel an apple, hungry after all the reading. When I was done, Jacky moved and opened his eyes. When he saw the apple in my hand, he reached for it.

“Great, an apple a day keeps the doctor away.” He said. “You’re good. Whenever an apple is peeled, its colour will change within a few minutes. Yours, your apple’s colour is always so fresh.”

I shook my head weakly, saying nothing. My phone rang again but I rejected the call. “Those classmates of ours are asking me to go for the play.” I explained. Everyone knew of his condition by now. Most of them visited him during evenings as they had commitments in the afternoon.

“Go. Go and get a trophy for me.”

“I don’t wanna-”

“I wanna see the trophy when I wake up.” He said. “Come back again when you’re done with the rehearsal. Go.”

I fought my compulsion and stood up.

“Make sure you get the trophy. Make sure you get it.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The rehearsal went by smoothly.

Our lecturers decided to add a special program on the day of the play. They wanted every one of us to dedicate a message to Jacky on stage. Many of my classmates instantly composed a message. I sat in a corner and thought of what to say on the actual day. Then I borrowed a pen from Michael and slowly, I penned my message.

The play was scheduled for next Monday, four days after Jacky’s surgery. I kept on wondering whether I would be smiling or crying on that day.

After we were done with writing our messages, I went off to the hospital again. Jacky had one more week left, and I was going to make full use of that one week.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jacky was reading a magazine when I reached his ward.

He smiled upon my entrance. But his smile seemed to be too wide, too forced. Something was wrong. I sat beside him and said nothing. I did not know what to say. He had always been the one starting the conversation. Not me.

“I’m going for the surgery on Thursday, 2pm. September 25, 2003.” He said.

“I know.”

“Curse me.”

I nearly dropped myself onto the floor. Butterflies flew around in my empty stomach and my tongue stuck out without my control. What did he just say? Curse him!?

“Curse me. Say I’ll never wake up from my operation. Say I’ll be in coma forever after my surgery.” He said indifferently.

I balled my hand into a fist. How can he play with my curse like that! I could hear the loud and fast thumping of my heart. “It’s not a joke. It’s not a funny matter. Don’t mess around with my curse.”

“You don’t have a curse and I’m going to prove it to you. I’m going to wake up on Thursday night, a living proof that your so-called curse is a mental illness called Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Landy is one good example that you’re suffering from a mental illness.”

“You’ll-” I stopped. I was going to say the word “die”, but I managed to hold back in time. “Don’t.” I whispered. As I discovered my curse a long time ago, I had realised by now that the only way to prevent me from cursing anyone in a quarrel is by walking away.

Without saying anything further, I dashed for the exit.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jacky’s mother called me a few hours later. Her voice was hoarse and choky. I was sitting at the cafeteria of the hospital, gazing at every single person who bought anything from the fruits stall.

“Jacky decided not to have the operation.” She was saying. Every time she called me, it was always bad news. How I hoped I had not picked up any of her calls. “He said the reason is because of you. What happened?”

I wanted so much to explain over the phone, but it would take a long time.

“Leave it to me. I’ll go talk to him now.”I puffed on two cigarettes outside the hospital, mustered all my courage, then went to the ward again.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

As I predicted, Jacky’s mother was inside the ward, talking to Jacky. Jacky was chewing on an unpeeled apple. “Ah, here comes the expert in apple-peeling.”

Jacky’s mother was expressionless. She glared at me for a while, sighed loudly and went out of the ward. I was alone with Jacky again. He was still biting his apple. “My mum doesn’t really know how to peel an apple. So I have it unpeeled.”

I was lost for words. Sometimes, I wondered if everything had been a plot. How could he still be so jovial when he knew he was dying soon?

“Go for the surgery.” I advised.

“Curse me.”

“Go for the surg-”

“Curse me. You can do it. Curse me, and I’ll go for it.”

What could I say? It was like him asking me to kill him. But if I don’t curse him, and he doesn’t undergo the surgery, the percentage of his survival is zero. But if I curse him…

“I’m going to wake up. Trust me. I’m going to prove to you that your curses are nothing but mind games. I’m going to prove to you that. Come one, curse me. If not I’ve only got a few more months to live.”

You’ll die with my curse! My curses are curses, not some simple mental illness!

I was put in the most difficult position in my life. I thought hard. Both decisions would leave me on a losing end. I felt like running around the ward now, shouting and screaming at the top of my voice.

“You don’t fuck around with my curse.” I said softly and took out my pack of Marlboro, but it was empty. Throwing it to a side, I whipped out my lighter and tossed it away as well. I was really desperate for a puff of tobacco now. “Will you really wake up?” I asked. What a stupid question. I had lost control of myself. My lips were shaking and really, I felt like jumping onto Jacky and slapping his face for a million times.

“Yes.”

I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. I did not let out my breath, staying in that position for a long period of time. When I finally exhaled, I began to say something.

“Then you bastard, you fucking bastard, you’re not going to wake up once you undergo the surgery. You’re going to get into a deep coma, and then your body will be cemented like some fish in the market.”

I said that.

I just cursed Jacky to death.

Oh, fuck you, Joanna Fung Wai Gwan.

End of Chapter 16

2007-03-23T03:19:00.000+08:00

Chapter 15

“Your grandfather and I met when I was working at restaurant as a dish-washer. He was the cook of the restaurant. When we saw each other, we knew it was love at first sight.

“He kept staring at me while he was cooking and I could not concentrate on my washing. I stole quick glances of him, amazed by his awesome cooking skills and his good looks. By the fifth day of my work, he asked me out. I did not reject. And so we went to a park and chatted about almost everything under the sun.”

I tried to recollect memories of my grandfather. It was then that I realized I had never seen him before: He died before I was born. However, in my mind now, I was painting a picture of him: A young and handsome man who knew how to turn an uncooked egg into an omelette.

“We went on a few more dates. Unknowingly, we started holding hands. And as we continued dating, our love for each other grew so much that a day apart was intolerable.

“Whenever I woke up, I would wonder what he was doing. Whenever I walked to work, I would wonder if he was doing the same thing. If there were handphones during my time, I would have called him every single minute.

“Then one day, he brought me to a forest. Although I declined, he insisted. So we went into the dark forest, carrying only lighted candles. Suddenly, he disappeared. I panicked and nearly fainted, but he suddenly reappeared with a ring on his hand. He kneeled before me and proposed to me.”

I wiped off the remnants of my tears and tried to smile. Although I failed, my grandmother sensed my attempt and patted me on my shoulder.

“How could I have rejected? How could I have rejected such an offer? I cried on the spot, and within ten days, we were officially husband and wife.”

I realized that everyone had a story to tell: The auntie selling fish soup may have the most romantic love story; my old and stubborn Literature lecturer Mrs Goh may have the most tragic story to tell. Yet I always pondered on the poignancy of my own story, as if my story superseded all of theirs.

“Our relationship was as strong as a rock during our first few years of marriage. But everything soon changed. We began to drift apart. We seldom talked. There was just no reason for this rift.”

“You didn’t love him anymore?” I asked, curious.

My grandmother did not answer me. She sighed, and then continued, “I thought of divorce. But during my time, divorce was a taboo. We continued living together, exchanging less than a few words a day. And as a tradition, we had to bear a child for our parents.

“And so your mother is born. Even with the addition of a new member in the family, we still behaved like strangers. Your mother, angry with us for not giving her a good family, married off when she was just seventeen. And when I was fifty, I decided to move out. I lived alone here for five years, until your grandfather called me. He said he didn’t have much time left.”

I cursed beneath my breath. Jacky’s words rang in my mind repeatedly: “Two more years, to be exact if I don’t have the operation within this few months.” “So I went to the hospital. Your grandfather asked me a question that made me think a lot: ‘Have you loved me throughout our marriage?’ I was lost for words. I spent the entire day thinking. And when I finally said yes, we hugged.

“Since then, I began visiting him in the hospital for his remaining days. He said something the day before he died which touched me very deeply: ‘I’ve been the happiest man in the world for two times: The first time is when you agreed to marry me, and the second time is when you said you had always loved me throughout our marriage. Because I have loved you all this while as well, but I just didn’t dare to say it.’”

My grandmother smiled when she finished her story. I knew that the memories of her dead husband were replaying in her mind. I, on the other hand, was thinking hard as well. There was a moral in her story, and with a twist of my neck, I finally knew what it was.

“Your grandfather was smiling when he died. Doesn’t matter how long we live as long as we live with a smile on our face.”

Yes, now I got it, the moral of the story. At that moment, I wanted to kiss my grandmother, but I dared not. However, after I had picked my keys up, I leaned forward and kissed her. “I love you.” I said, and made my way out.

Wait for me, Jacky.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I had just finished telling the taxi driver my destination when my handphone rang.

“Joanna?” the female voice on the other end sounded familiar. It was Jacky’s mother. “I don’t know who else to call. You are the only one who knows everything now. Jacky’s in trouble.”

My grip on the handphone tightened and I asked, “What’s wrong?”

“The cancer cells are starting to spread. He needs an operation soon. Just… come.”

When she hung up, I got the taxi driver to stop. And for the next few minutes, I stared out of the window, saying nothing.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Look at this.” the doctor pointed at a negative of a brain X-ray. A dark spot was visible on the left of it. “This is the tumour. His case is Diffuse Astrocytomas Grade Two. The cancer cells will spread, but at a very slow rate. For the past few months, we’ve been trying to stop the cells from spreading too much. But it’s hard now.”

I tried to process what the doctor had said. He was explaining in layman’s terms. Jacky’s mother sat beside me, her eyes wide open.

“The reason why we’ve not operated on him is because of the fact that his tumour is very close to his brain stem, a very important structure of the brain. However, his cancerous cells have now spread into the brain stem, growing near the cerebellum. The cerebellum is responsible for the movement of his muscles.”

“Surgery is the only way now?” Jacky’s mother said.

The doctor nodded.

“Then what is the success rate?”

The doctor shrugged. Bad news. “Fifteen percent. It is very risky as the cancer cells are inside the brain stem.”

“What if he doesn’t take the surgery?”

“He will first become paralysed. Then he will begin losing his brain functions and become brain-dead after a few months.” We were left speechless with that. He continued, as if he had no feelings. “The surgery must be done by next week. If not, we will lose control over the cancerous cells.”

“Who makes the decision?”

“He’s under eighteen, so the final decision still rests with you.” The doctor said. Jacky’s mother’s expression was a fusion of confusion and depression.

“Great.” She said, and walked off without saying bye.

Jacky’s dying within a few months. That thought whirled in my mind like a bad dream. Oh, please let me wake up from this nightmare.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I had just finished peeling an apple when Jacky woke up. Actually, I had intended to eat the apple, but since Jacky woke up exactly when I had finished peeling it, I passed him the apple. He held out his weakened hand to take the apple.

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, eh?” he said, taking a bite. “Get me more apples. Then I’ll be discharged soon.”

He already knew the situation. Her mother had agreed to the operation, and he was to undergo the surgery next Thursday. He knew the success rate was only fifteen percent, and he also knew the consequences if he did not undergo the surgery. Yet his trademark smile still lingered on his lips.

I wanted to say something, but when I opened my mouth, nothing came out. Talk to me, Jacky.

“I may have a bandage here on my head when the play comes around, so I may not be able to do the play. You make sure Johnny does a great job, eh?” he said. Johnny, one of our classmates, was to take over him as Romeo. “And yeah, I took up the role because I only needed to memorise two words and got to lie on a pretty girl’s back. But now it’s different. It’s free-style. That’s why I’m backing out.” He laughed. It sounded strange.

“Rest.” I whispered.

“I’m lying on the bed with a blanket over me. I’m resting. And I’m eating an apple!” With that, he dropped the apple. It rolled off the bed and hit the floor. I went towards it but he stopped me.

“No. I’ll do it.” He said, and slowly climbed out of the bed. With great effort, he lifted the apple up as if it weighed ten kilograms. I could not make out whether he was just joking or he was really suffering. “See? I can do it. I can get an apple from the floor. Why can’t I get a rock out of my head? The rock is so much smaller than this apple!”

I stayed with him for a few more hours before I left. As I was on my way out, I saw Doctor Ong, my psychiatrist. I tried avoiding him by looking at the floor, covering my face with my hair. But my uniform gave me away.

“Hey, Joanna.” I heard his voice. “I’d really love it if you could come visit me some day.” He said, obviously trying to mock me. Go to your clinic and curse more people? I wondered.

“What are you doing here?” I said.

“I’m here to visit your best friend.” He stressed the word best. Actually, I wanted to ask him about Landy. But before I could say anything, he was off into Jacky’s ward.

How did he know of Jacky’s condition?

End of Chapter 15

2007-03-23T03:06:00.000+08:00

Chapter 14

“Can’t be…” I was shaking and smiling at the same time. “Can’t be… not now… not now! Can’t be!”

How could everything come at this time? Just when I realized I had feelings for him, he had to say that he was dying soon? How could this be happening?

No!

Jacky grabbed my hand. “Cool down-”

“What disease do you have?” I whispered. I was taking three deep breaths a second. “What…?”

“I thought you knew-”

“I lied.” I said that so softly that I wondered if I had said anything. I stood up and looked out of the window. I could see a slight reflection of myself from the glass window. My eyes were half-closed, red with tears streaming down fast. I was jerking hard, as if there was an earthquake.

“Brain cancer. It’s a hereditary disease, I think. My father had stomach cancer. And now I’ve got brain cancer.”

“Isn’t there a cure for it?”“No. The doctors can only stop the cells from spreading. But there’s a tumour in my head, so it’s hard to do treatment. The only way is…”

“Surgery?”

“Right, but it’s a surgery on the brain. So the risk involved is very high. And the percentage of total recovery is only…” he paused. I waited as I did not want to interrupt him. “Fifteen percent.”

“Fifteen? One five, fifteen?”

“Yes.”I ran my fingers through my hair. Why… why is this happening!? Why!?

“No…” I was whispering. I stared at the reflection again. I was smiling yet shaking my head. “No, no, no, you’re lying. Oh, fuck, you’re lying.” I took out my lighter and ignited it. Then I put it out and ignited it again. I hauled out the pack of cigarettes from my pocket and played with the cover.

“Joanna, don’t be like this-”

“Stop playing with me, Jacky, stop playing with me.” I let out a sigh and dropped the lighter onto the ground. “Stop playing with my feelings. Love, leave, love, leave, love, leave. Stop it all.”

“You’ve got to calm down, Joanna. We can-”

“Fuck you.” Suddenly I felt guilty. I was scolding a guy who was going to die. What the heck am I doing? “Fuck-” I stopped. I rushed to the door and ran out.

Oh, gosh, oh gosh. Gosh. What a fucking complicated life I’m living.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I had lit my fifth cigarette when I decided to think logically. I was sitting on one of the many benches in the park, glaring at every single person walking by. I had a giddy spell by my third stick, but somehow, I just wanted to smoke more.

Cancer? Death? I had never expected such issues to rub shoulders with me. It had always been the least of my worries. For the past few years, I had always been worried only about the words that I said. The curse I have been carrying.

And somewhere out there, someone close to me had been battling an enemy called cancer and fleeing from an adversary named death? Somewhere out there, a person has been smiling for twenty-four hours a day even though he was next to the gates of hell?

I blew the smoke out of my lungs through my nose, somewhat like a dragon. What could I do? What could I do to make him feel better? I was at my wits’ end, trapped in a nest of confusion.

My tears had not stopped streaming since I dashed out of the ward. I had two missed calls traced to Jacky’s handphone. I did not call back. I merely messaged him a “Give me time”. I knew I would lose control if I heard his voice.

What must I do now?

I flicked the cigarette butt away and knew there was no way I could find the answer here. I headed home. I might not have Landy anymore, but I had a new chat mate.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Fortunately, my grandmother was still awake when I reached home.

It was six-thirty in the evening. She was sitting on the sofa, just like what Landy used to do. She was massaging her legs while watching the news. I sat down next to her.

This is my grandmother? Suddenly, I was hit by a tinge of guilt. We seldom talked, for I had Landy as a companion. But who did she have to confide in? Who did she approach when she was depressed? I have always been beside her, yet I lived in my own little world, ignoring the very same old lady who was sitting in front of me.

I gently pushed her hand away and rubbed at her leg. She smiled and passed me the ointment. “Wah, Gwan, so good today?” she said.

I shrugged. What kind of life had I been living for the past few years? A life of escape? A life of rebellion? Against this whole world?

I said nothing as I continued to massage. When a droplet of water splashed on my grandmother’s leg, I realized I was crying again. I dared not look up.

“Tell me what happened.” My grandmother said.

I recalled the days I spent with Landy. I would sit here, chatting with Landy while my grandmother would greet us and retreat to her room. Jacky changed everything. He chased away my imaginary friend and brought me closer to my grandmother.

I told my grandmother everything about Jacky. I told her how he smiled in every situation, how he always kept his temper. I told her about the first day that he held my hand, and how he helped me thus far. I told her everything, from my curse to Landy. And finally, I told her that Jacky was dying. And I told her of how much I love him.

“I love him.” I repeated the sentence, as if it would help. “I love him a lot.”

My grandmother did not interrupt me at all. She just nodded and occasionally patted me on my shoulder. Her eyes held contact with mine as I mouthed every word. At times she would smile when I mentioned something funny that Jacky did. Sometimes a frown would appear on her face when I raked up sad memories.

“What do you intend to do?”

I was at a loss for words. Here I was, trying to get an answer to that question. Yet there she was, posing me that question. I shook my head. “What can I do?” I whispered.

“You want me to tell you a story?”

I did nothing. I continued staring at the floor, counting the drops of tears that had escaped from my eyes.

“I’ve never told anyone about the story of your grandfather and me.” She grabbed my shoulders and held me straight up. I was amazed by her strength. “Be strong and listen to my story. Because this story is all about courage. That’s what you’re here for, isn’t it?”

End of Chapter 14

2007-03-13T20:53:00.000+08:00

Chapter 13

Sometimes, it is so hard to say just three words.

I smelled the rich aroma of Jacky’s coffee. The scent was overbearing. Jacky was sitting beside me, taking another sip of his coffee. I stirred my diet coke with my straw and yawned.

He still sat beside me in class as per his routine, and I did not oppose him. And at lunch break now, we had our lunch in silence. Jacky did not buy my drink; instead I bought his for him. Yet he just passed me the money without saying a word.

Through the corner of my eye, I could see that he had finished his coffee and was coughing as if coffee would create phlegm. On the contrary, my diet coke was still full. There were still about ten more minutes before we had to head back to class.

Come on, say it, Joanna!

I turned to Jacky. Stunned, he returned my look. His hair was disheveled and his eyes were bloodshot. Despite downing the whole cup of coffee, his lips still looked dry. “You look pale.” I suddenly said and instantly regretted it.

“Is it?” he twisted his neck. “Lack of sleep. Been thinking…”

I wanted so much to crack a joke so that he would regain the redness on his cheeks. But I did not. I must say it now, or never.

Come on, be brave, just three words!

“Hey.” I muttered, softer this time. I did not want others to hear me.

“Hey.” He replied. That idiot. Can’t he see that I’m struggling to say something to him?

“Hey.” I said again.

“Hey.”

“Hey, hey.”“Can I…” he stopped.

“Wait.” I felt as if this conversation was going nowhere. “I-”

“Hold your-”

“Love-”

“Hand?”

“You.”

When we both finished our sentences, his head dropped on the table slowly, creating a loud “bang”. His body began to sway towards me. I leaned forward to hold his shoulder, trying to break his fall but he was too heavy. He went tumbling onto the ground and all I could do was to lessen the impact of the fall.

His eyes were closed and his cheeks were drained of colour. I shook his shoulders violently. Bewildered students crowded around us, whispering yet doing nothing.

“Jacky!” I was shaking him, but he gave no response. “Jacky!”

A lecturer came, dispersed the students and sent Jacky to the hospital.

And I went along with the ambulance, my heart beating so fast that I could have had a heart attack anytime.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jacky’s mother was a beautiful woman – it was obvious now where Jacky’s striking features had come from. She sat in the waiting room, muttering things that I could not understand.

I was with Michael and Jacky’s other friends, all waiting anxiously as he was wheeled into the ward. Michael was trying to console all of us, and he was the one that introduced us as classmates of Jacky to his mother.

The wait was over in about fifteen minutes. The doctor came out and talked to Jacky’s mother for a while. He was not smiling, nor was he frowning. When he finished, the nurse spoke to Jacky’s mother as the doctor went off.

We went forward. I was trying to discern something from Jacky’s mother’s expression. She seemed relieved.

“Jacky’s fine. Thanks a lot for all your concern. He just fainted due to stress over his studies. And he’s not fit to see anyone now. Come back another day, alright?” Jacky’s mother told us after the nurse had left.

Everyone left but I stayed. I could sense that something was wrong. Jacky’s mother did not seem worried when talking to us. What left me dumbfounded was why Jacky should be hospitalized when he was merely under too much stress.

I entered the ward. Jacky’s mother’s eyes were red-shot. She had been crying. When she saw me, she cupped her eyes for a while before opening them.

“Didn’t I ask you all to go back home first?” she said, a bit impatiently.

“Can I talk to you?”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Instead of talking at the hospital’s cafeteria, we went to the park.

Jacky’s mother was a reserved lady. Throughout the whole journey, she said nothing. When we reached the park, we sat beside an old man. The old man was wearing a patient’s uniform, and he kept smiling at me as if he knew me.

“It’s not just over-stress, right?”

“It is.”

“Being hospitalized for over-stress? Not waking up till now simply because he’s under too much stress? I’ve-”

“Please don’t act as if you know Jacky very well. You’re just his classmate, a friend, or whatever. Please, I don’t want to start a quarrel or whatever. When I said over-stress, it’s over-stress. What more can I say?”

“But-”

“He’s just under too much stress. If you don’t believe me, fine with that. I’m going back to my office. I don’t want to be over-stressed myself.” With that, she went off, leaving me alone with the old man.

“Young lady,” the old man suddenly asked. “Are you just his classmate, a friend?”

He must have been eavesdropping on our conversation. However, I saw no harm in telling him the truth, so I said, “I believe I’m more than that.”

“Alright then, love him while you can. In love, there’s only love or don’t love. Since you love him, do it now.” The old man said.

Why do all old people say the same thing? For a nanosecond, I wondered if he was my long-lost dead Grandfather or not.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Suddenly, it all made sense. It all made so much sense that I bought a pack of cigarettes and lighted one before going back to the ward.

“I wanna help you. To see you smile.”

“I want to do something meaningful while I can.”

Jacky had said that before. To do something meaningful while he could. I shivered at that thought. I really hoped that it would not be what I had expected.

I walked up the stairs with my head spinning. The cigarette had made me giddy. Jacky had awakened when I reached the ward. He was smiling.

“Hey.” I said.

He just nodded weakly, and pointed to the flask of water beside him. I poured him water. “I like coffee better.” He smiled.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I said. I was biting my lips, taking deep breaths. I could hear every single beat of my heart, and it was so fast that I was unable to count.

“You know?” Jacky mouthed.

“Your mother told me all about it.”

“Can’t be. I asked her not to tell anyone. She promised.”

“How can a matter like this be kept a secret?” I said. I realized I was smiling. Gosh. “So, how many months more do you have?” I suddenly asked, and then whispered very, very softly, “Fuck.”

Jacky was avoiding my gaze.

Please, say I’m wrong, say you don’t understand what I mean… please. Please.

It was a long wait. My hands were clutched and I felt the shape of my lips: I was smiling.

Fuck, I’m fucking insane. I’m smiling. I’m smiling. I’m smiling!

Then he did the most astonishing feat I had ever seen in my life. He grabbed a lump of his hair, shook a bit, and pulled it out. Almost all his hairs were in his hand now. His scalp was nothing but few strings of thin hair.

“Two more years, to be exact if I don’t have the operation within this few months.”

Fuck.

End of Chapter 13

2007-03-04T22:52:00.000+08:00

Chapter 12

I cried throughout the whole journey home. The taxi-driver did nothing. He must have had picked up crying girls all too often.

When I reached home minutes later, I called Landy. Strangely, all I did was to press the last dialed number and Landy’s voice came.

“Landy, can you do me a favour? Come out now. I need your help.”

A few minutes later, Landy and I were out on the streets. It was nine at night, but the market place was still teeming with people. I approached the auntie who always sells fish soup to me.

“Hi, auntie.” I said. She was an old frail lady, but when I greeted her, her eyes sparkled. She must be surprised, for I had never greeted her before.

“Oh, hi ah girl.” She replied after some hesitation.

I pointed to Landy. “This is my best friend, Landy.” I said in Chinese.

She looked at Landy. I knew I was right all along. But after a few seconds, she took a step back and bit her lips. “What? Huh?”

I started to shiver. This can’t be… “This young and pretty lady here,” I rested my hand on Landy’s shoulder. “…is my best friend.”

The auntie was lost for words. “I…” Then she took out a yellow paper from her wallet and clapped her hands together. I stared in disbelief. She started to pray to her surroundings. “God bless…” then she said something in Chinese that I could not understand. Before I could say anything, she turned to me and said aloud, “Bye, girl.”

She then rushed off as if she had just seen a ghost. And Landy was still smiling.

I did this experiment a few more times with some other people. They either told me to stop joking, or thought I was possessed by some spirit.

None of them could see Landy.

Except me.

And just when I was about to probe Landy about this, she was gone. Just like that. Poof, gone without any warning. And, as expected, I tried calling her but I could not get through.

Oh. Bastard Jacky. He should have just shut the fuck up and left the truth unrevealed.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I felt so lonely.

I went to school as usual the next day, this time, however, feeling like it was the first day of school. I was trying hard to avoid Jacky, but he was, as usual, as sticky as glue. He tried to start a conversation but I would cut him off with these two words: “Shut up.”

Finally lunch break came. This was the first time that I was not looking forward to it. Jacky bought my drink, but I went off and bought my own.“Joanna-”

“Shut up.” I said it for the tenth time.

“Let me help-”

“Why are you doing all this?” Now I was boiling with anger. Could it be the laksa in front of me that spurred me? When I looked at Jacky, I realized it was not the laksa. It was his face: his compassionate face that fueled the anger within me. “Why are you doing all this, Jacky!?” I was half-yelling.

“I want to do something meaningful-”

“Fuck you!” I screamed. The whole canteen went quiet. Only the sound of the fans’ whirring could be heard. “Don’t give me that fucking excuse anymore! There’re more than a thousand people in this school: Why me? Why!?”

He was quiet and seemed to be on the verge of tears.

“Is it because you pity me!?” If he was facing me, I could have given him a tight slap. “Is it because you think I need sympathy, that’s why you’re doing all this!?”

“Yes. Maybe because I pity you that’s why I’m doing all this.” He said softly. People were bending forward, trying to make out what he had just said.

“And when you knew that my best friend is an imaginary friend, you pitied me more?! That’s why you held my hand!? Be nice to me, because the best remedy for imaginary friends is to make me happy and socially involved? That’s why you said all those fucking idiotic things at my void deck!?”

I could tell that he was thinking. “Maybe.” He answered softly again. “That may be the reason.”

“You bastard.” A whisper this time. I splashed my glass of Diet Coke onto his face. Then I smacked his cheek hard. “You bastard.” I said again, and then walked off.I was expecting him to give chase. But he did not.

He must have stopped pitying me. I went straight to the toilet. No one bothered to come forward to console me. After washing my tears off, it was time to go back to class. I was dreading having to see Jacky again.

We did not say anything more for the rest of the day. I confined myself to my notes and he was absorbed in the lecturer’s voice.

Gosh oh gosh. What the heck had just happened? What the heck had I just done? An imaginary friend? A one-sided love story?

Suddenly it occurred to me. Now I knew why Jacky could not be my boyfriend. That night, when he said we could not be together, I had cursed him. I had cursed him not to fall in love with me when I was angry.My.

Gosh. It was my fault. My fault!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I went back to an empty house. My grandmother came home after a few hours. Had she been seeing things as well for the past four years?

“Grandma,” I asked in Hokkien. “Do you remember Landy?”

“Of course.” She replied.

I looked around the living room. It was empty except for her and me. I pointed to the empty sofa and said, “She’s here.”She made an effort to look at the sofa then turned back at me. Her answer sent chills down my spine. “Yes, she still looks so beautiful. I’m going back to my room. You have a nice chat with her.”

“Can you… chat with me?” I requested. Since my mother’s death, I had not had a decent chat with my grandmother. We had a “hi” & “bye” relationship. She had earned her living through collecting cans and donations from the residents. All my allowances came from her and from my auntie.

My grandmother rolled her eyes. She ambled to the sofa and sat down, patting the seat beside me. She must have forgotten that Landy was “there”.

Jacky had called me a few times but I rejected all his calls. I felt that he was just putting on a mask.

“I’m feeling very lonely.” I told my grandmother. It was just so weird. I meant, my grandmother had always been so close to me, yet I had always consigned her to one side, as if she did not exist.

“How old are you already, Gwan?” she suddenly asked. Gwan was the name that my parents used to call me. It had such a forgotten history that I nearly couldn’t remember that was my name.

I told her almost everything about myself. My age, my school and my life in general. I did not tell her about Landy and my curse. Instead, I found myself talking to her about Jacky. It just came out of nowhere.

“He’s a very nice and handsome guy.” I said. “Tall, tanned and always smiling. I always tell myself that I had not fallen in love with him.”

“Why?”

“Because… I don’t know. I knew I couldn’t love him. Grandma, what does love feels like?”

My grandmother took a very long breath. However, I could tell that she was not thinking. She was preparing for a very long chat. “Easy. Tell me, two hours ago, who were you thinking of?”

I thought back. “Jacky.”

“Who are you thinking of now?”

“Jacky.”

“And if you’re still thinking of him two hours later, you’re in love. Gwan, love is a simple thing. It’s either you love, or you don’t. You can try everything, almost everything to prevent yourself from loving, but it all boils down to this: Either you love, or you don’t.”

I pondered on her words.

“Doesn’t matter how long the love lasts. You’ll be contented once you know you were in love before. Have I told you about the magnet theory?”

I shook my head.

“You’re like the North Pole of a magnet bar, and Jacky is also like the North Pole of a magnet bar. There’s no way for both of you to be close together. There’s a force that’ll always push you both apart. This force is called the obstacle, like interest differences, communication problems and etc.

“However, if you put a metal bar in between, both you magnets will stick to it. And you’ll be close to each other. That metal bar dissolves the force that pushes both of you away. And that metal bar is what we called love.”

What a load of bullshit.

However, when I realized I was thinking of Jacky two hours later, I began to ponder her words again. Our metal bar… where can we find it? I wanted so much to ask my grandmother about it again, but she was asleep.

And so I went to bed as well.

End Of Chapter 12

2007-03-04T14:27:00.000+08:00

Chapter 11

I took a maximum dosage of anti-depressants every morning.

I got a call from a nurse the next morning when I was in class. I went to the toilet to take the call. Dr Ong had assigned another therapist for me. I agreed to go, but I had already decided not to. I had ruined Mr. Kam with my curse. They had to believe in it.

Jacky was back to himself. It was like yesterday’s episode never occurred. He continued to wear that smile everywhere he went. I wondered if he would treat me like a girlfriend, but no. He treated me just like how he treated me before. There was no difference, but I guessed that was a good beginning.

We spent the next few days studying and reading and by the next week, we were on schedule for the full-dress rehearsal of our play.

We had agreed to sing the song together as the play concluded. And I had agreed to do the free-style play. After we had changed into our costumes, I waited backstage. The song was then played loudly.

“Two A.M and the rain is fallingHere we are at the crossroads once againYou’re telling me you’re so confusedYou can’t make up your mindIs this meant to beYou’re asking me”

Jacky was lying on the stage, his eyes closed. I walked forward slowly, looking at the “unconscious” Jacky.

“Romeo.” I whispered. “No, Romeo…” I rushed forward and genuflected in front of him, holding his head up. I could hear his breathing and smell his sweat. “Romeo…” I held his hand and clutched it tight. It was warm. I gripped it tighter, and then laid my head on his chest. “Why are you going away now when I’m so in love with you? Why?”

The audience (consisting of lecturers and our classmates) was so quiet that we might even hear the flapping sound of a mosquito’s wings. My breaths were unsteady. I was blinking fast again. “Please leh, stay with me. I love you.”

I should have given the cue to play the song, but I forgot to do so. Instead, I lay on Jacky’s chest, hearing his every heartbeat. Strangely, I had a fear: I feared that his heart might stop beating anytime.

After about a minute of silence, the song was played again.

“But only love can stayTry again or walk awayBut I believeFor you and meThe sun will shine one daySo I just play my partAnd pray you’ll have a change of heartBut I can’t make you see it throughThat’s something only love can do…”

When the song faded off, I looked at a cup of chestnut water beside me. “Poison…” I said to let the audience know that that was not chestnut water. “Poison…” I tightened my grip on his hand and I could hear a soft groan from Jacky through his closed mouth. “Wait for me, Jacky. What for I live when you not around?” And I gulped down the chestnut water. It tasted sweet.

I shook and nodded my head for several seconds before dropping onto the floor, my hand still holding on to Jacky’s. After a while, I sensed movement. Jacky was waking up. He said something before lying on my back.

Everyone clapped. We thought we had done very well when one of the lecturers spotted a very obvious mistake on my part.

“When you’re on the stage,” she said, “Jacky is Romeo and you’re Juliet.”

I wondered if she was trying to be sarcastic or she was serious about pointing out my mistake.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Our literature lecturer Mrs Goh treated us to dinner after the full-dress rehearsal.

Everyone was impressed with our performance. They said we had “chemistry” and it was a very touching play. I begged to differ, for I thought I could have done better.

“Call Landy and get her to join us.” Jacky suddenly cut in after we had placed our orders. I thought that was not a good idea so I did not call her. But Jacky persisted, “Go on, call her.”

“No means no.” I said. I felt like we were a couple having a small spat. Jacky shook his head slightly and did not press the issue.

Almost every student got either their parents or partners to send them home. Mrs Goh offered to give Jacky and me a lift, but we politely refused. And so we took a long bus ride back home.

“Call Landy.” Jacky commanded when we were in the bus. There were less than ten people in the bus.

“For what?”

He glanced out of the window then pressed the bell. With that, he grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the bus. I pushed his hand off and looked around me. “Knock it off! What the heck are you doing?” We were in the middle of a highway.

“Why didn’t you go for the previous appointment with Dr Ong? Listen to me, Joanna. Listen to me well. Go for the appointments with Dr Ong. You’re sick.” He pointed to my forehead. “You need help.”

I shoved his hand off again and snorted, “What do you know about me? Why act as if you’re me! I cursed one of them! If I had been harsher…” I stopped. I should not talk that much. “Just…” I stopped myself.

“I’m going to prove it to you if you still don’t believe me.”

“Prove what?”

“Take out your handphone.”

I threw my bag to the ground and gnashed my teeth. “I’m not your servant. I don’t do what you want me to do!”

“I’m going to prove to you that your best friend Landy is just an imaginary friend.”

I stopped breathing for exactly one second. That was it. That was too much. I slapped his right cheek hard, feeling the pain on my hand. He stared at me as if it did not hurt. But his cheek began to swell.

“Landy doesn’t exist,” he said.

I gave him another tight slap. The loud sound of the impact echoed into the night. Our eyes darted towards each other and images of Landy jogged in my mind.

“You created her. She is the perfect portrayal of a lady, and you want to be like her. That’s very normal, Joanna. Nothing to be ashamed of. Many children have imaginary friends. They get over it. You’ve just been talking to your imaginary friend for the-”

“No!” I yelled. My hand was too painful for another slap. “No, no, no! This can’t be! After all these… after all these fucking… fucking… fuck!” I turned. A bus came and I flagged it but it continued to drive past me. On its sign was “Off-Service”.

“Joanna-”

“Get away from me.”

“Take out your handphone. Show me Landy is real.”

I did what he said.

“Now, read out Landy’s handphone number to me.”

I scrolled through the phonebook in my handphone. L… Lay Hong, Lemon, Leslie, Luke, Luther… I scrolled again. Still the same. Landy Wen Wen Lan is her full name. I strolled to W. Wendy, Winnie. Still no Landy.

“9…” I halted. I did not know what to say. “9…” Her number had got to be there! Someone must have deleted her number off my handphone. Yes, her number was my last dialed call. I just had to get to my Call Register…

Last Dialed Number: Jacky Wu.

“No…” I looked up at Jacky. He was frowning, but I knew he must have been enjoying every moment of this. That bastard…

“When you talk to the phone, you’re just talking to yourself.”

“But you saw her! You fucking saw her that day!”

“I saw no one. I acted as if I saw her. Because I did not know what to do. I was so confused. Did you know what you did that day?” He broke into a smile, and then pointed to the air beside him. “Hi Jacky, this is Landy.” He paused. “This was what you did.”

“She was there!” I was screaming now. “Dr Ong saw her as well-”

“He faked it as well. He thought if we were to tell you that day in front of so many people, you’d be agitated. He said that the best remedy for an imaginary friend is to let it go away naturally. Make you happy, make you feel socially involved and the imaginary friend will go away. That’s the reason why he had increased the dosage of your anti-depressants.”

“My grandmother can see her as well. Explain that to me then!”

“Your grandma is three-quarters blind. She couldn’t tell the difference between Landy and the door. Who else has seen Landy before? No one.”

“You’re lying.” I said. “You’re lying!” I saw a taxi from afar. I seized my bag and held my hand out. “Fuck off, Jacky. You’re ruining my life.”

“Please-”

I could hear his fading voice, but he did not give chase. Before I got into the taxi, I took off the watch he had given me for my birthday and threw it far away.

That bastard. That fucking bastard.

End Of Chapter 11

2007-03-03T13:59:00.000+08:00

Chapter 10

“She knows how to get here?” Jacky asked me for the fifth time.

“Yes.” I answered impatiently. We were at the waiting area of the Child’s Guidance Clinic, waiting for Landy. Jacky and I had come down directly after school. Landy had said she would apply for leave today just for this appointment.

The lift opened and finally Landy came out. She was wearing a small tee-shirt and jeans. “Landy, this is Jacky.” I said. Jacky’s eyes were wide open, looking at the area behind Landy. Landy smiled broadly and extended her hand.

“Hi, Jacky. I’ve heard a lot about you.” Landy said, obviously trying to tease me.

Jacky was still looking stunned, as if Landy was some superstar. His eyes did not meet Landy’s. Instead, he kept on staring at me, then at the wall behind Landy. “Oh, Landy.” He shook his head for a while. Landy’s hand was still extended. “Oh, Landy, Landy. Hi, Landy” he said, waving his hand instead. Then he massaged his forehead for a while.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“Nothing.” Jacky waved off his hand. “Just another headache. Landy’s too beautiful, she’s giving me a headache.”

Landy laughed and we went to the waiting area. Dr Ong came out shortly, inspecting Jacky. Landy greeted Dr Ong but he was too intent on studying Jacky.

“Dr. Ong, this is Jacky.” I pointed at Jacky, then at Landy. “And this is Landy.”

Dr Ong turned and looked at Landy for a while, then said, “Alright, Landy, can you follow me to the room?”

Jacky crossed his leg, looking uncomfortable. He seemed to be grinding his own teeth. I patted him on the shoulder. “It’s going to be okay. Dr Ong is a nice guy.”

But still, Jacky stayed silent. I had never seen him so quiet before. However, there was nothing I could do so we just sat staring at into space. A few minutes later, Dr. Ong came out alone.

“Mr. Wu?” Dr Ong called Jacky. He extended his hand and this time, Jacky shook it. “Come this way please. Joanna, you stay here for a while, alright? I need to talk to them alone.”

I nodded.

I killed my time by drinking water from the water cooler. About half an hour later, I was summoned into the room. Landy had left, leaving Jacky alone in the room. Strangely, I had not seen her walking out. But she had sent a SMS, explaining that she had something on. So I was left alone with Jacky and Dr Ong. What an odd social cocktail.

“Jacky, you may go out now.”

I nearly laughed. Just when I thought things were going to be exciting, Jacky was sent out. In any case I felt more comfortable with Dr Ong alone.

“I’ll assign another therapist for you.” Dr Ong said.

“I cursed the pervious one. Told him that he’d break his hand. He asked for it. That’s why he’s on long term MC.”

“He had malaria, Joanna. He didn’t break his hand.”

I said nothing, knowing that he must be lying to make me feel better. Doctors always lie, don’t
they?

“It’s true. Anyway, I’ve decided to increase the dosage of your anti-depressants. Don’t keep yourself hungry. Have some carbohydrates, like rice or noodles when you’re hungry. It’ll make you feel better. Don’t let your stomach yell for food.”

“Whatever.”

“I’ll call you again after I’ve found another therapist.”

I was desperate to get out of the room suddenly. To meet Jacky, perhaps. After Dr Ong had given me the prescriptions, I dashed out and as I predicted, Jacky was relaxing on the sofa, reading one of the parenting magazines. But he was not smiling. That was not normal. In fact, that was very abnormal.

He wanted to take a taxi. After much negotiation, I agreed to it. His stern expression somehow made me weak, as if I had to give in to his every request.

When we were inside the taxi, Jacky said “West Coast Park.”

I disagreed, but he said nothing. And when he said nothing, it meant something was very wrong. So I went with him.

Oh, gosh, where the hell is Landy when I most need her?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

We took a long walk along the beach, glancing out at the sea.

The sun had just set, leaving a breathtaking image on the horizon. The currents of the sea slowly devoured the yellow light at the horizon. The tide was high, constantly threatening to push her tip to our feet.

We chatted as we walked. Jacky told me more about his childhood and his mother. He said that he felt compelled to help others when he was young due to his father’s death. His father was his hero. I, having nothing to say about any hero, just told him more about Landy. I was about to mention one of Landy’s less desirable habits when he suddenly interrupted.

"Can I hold your hand?” he said.I wanted to smile, to jump around in ecstasy and hug him tight, and then kiss him and tell him how delighted I am. However, I did none of the above. I balled my hand into a fist and snorted, “I only allow my boyfriend to hold my hand.”

“Can I hold your hand?”

I looked away from him, trying to find something to say. “You can’t be my boyfriend. You said that before. You’ve got your… reasons.”

“Can I hold your hand?”Now I really felt like punching him. “No. Because only lovers hold hands. And we are not lovers.” Not yet.

“Can I hold your hand?”

“I am not your girlfriend. I cannot be, because I have this curse, and you’ve got your own reasons.”

“Can I hold your hand?"

“Only if you’re my boyfriend and I’m your girlfriend, then we can.”

“Can I hold your hand?”

“Remember what you once said?” I bit my lips. I was staring at the ground, my heart beating a lot faster. My body seemed to jerk and I was blinking a lot faster than normal. “If we hold hands, your reputation will be spoilt. I don’t want to do that.”

“Can I… hold your hand?” he repeated, this time weaker.

I continued walking. This was getting nowhere. I turned to him, ready to scold him aloud when I
stopped in my tracks.

His eyes were red, and a few drops of tears were rolling off his eyes. He was breathing deeply. For the first time since I had known him, the tough and jovial Jacky was crying in front of me.

And he did not hold my hand. Instead, I held his and wiped off his tears. And as my blinking glistened back to normalcy, tears rolled out of my eyes as well and I jerked harder.

We were like two scared, crying school kids who were lost. But when I felt his hand on mine, I felt no fear.

Only warmth.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

We locked hands till we reached my house. Throughout the journey, we were silent, as if words had suddenly vanished from our mind. But when we reached my void deck, he released my hand and said, “Joanna, I’m always here. I’m always here, if you ever need me. Here.” He pointed to his heart.

This time, I could no longer resist the urge to hug him. I wrapped my arms around him. The tough introvert Joanna was crying for the second time within a span of an hour. “Thanks” that was all I could manage to say.

Jacky released me gently and took tissue paper to wipe off my tears. “Remember this. If you ever need me and I’m not around, just wait for me. Because I’ll always be here.”

I nodded.

“I am just like the sun and you the flower. I’ll provide sunlight for you to blossom. Sometimes, clouds will prevent me from reaching you. But you’ll know that I’m always trying to reach you. Just wait for the clouds to clear if you can’t receive my sunlight.”

I nodded. If he kept on talking, I could flood the void deck with my tears.

“Remember: To be happy, you either change the world, or you change your thinking. To be realistic, you have to change your thinking to be happy.

But me, I will change the world for you.”

I said nothing because my mouth had been choked with my sobbing.

Gosh oh gosh. Don’t wake me up. Please, let time reach a standstill now. Right now. Gosh.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Landy was munching biscuits on the sofa when I reached home. When she saw my reddened eyes, we started our girls’ talk again.

And finally I admitted my true feelings to her.

“I’ve fallen in love with a guy. And his name is Jacky Wu Zhong Xian. But I don’t know if he likes me or not.” I said. I was lying on the sofa, still wearing my uniform. I did not feel like bathing all of a sudden, as if the water would wash away Jacky’s smell.

“Of course he likes you! I mean, he held your hand, he said all those… mushy yet romantic things. Don’t tell me he says that to every girl.” Landy was saying. Strange. I had not told her what had happened yet she seemed to know everything.

Although she made sense, I still could not forget what happened that night. “But that day, he said that I could not be his girlfriend.”

She sighed. “Guys. Maybe he wasn’t ready that day. Now that he is ready, what are you waiting for?”

What am I waiting for?

End of Chapter 10

2007-03-03T13:25:00.000+08:00

Chapter 9

Sometimes, I thought, strange things happen.

For the past few years after my mum’s demise, I had not celebrated my birthday. I would spend the day daydreaming or watching television. Landy does know when my birthday is, but strangely, she never once made an effort to celebrate it with me.

However, this year, it was special. I had gone to school as usual, absorbed in the lecturer’s droning voice and immersed in the countless tutorials. When school ended though, Jacky came forward. He was half smiling and not looking into my eyes. This was the first time I saw embarrassment in his expression.

“Hi, Joanna, well…” he zipped opened his bag and took out a wrapped box. It was rather small and the wrapping was done exquisitely. A red ribbon was tied on top. “Happy Birthday.” He said, and with two hands, passed me the box.

I took a step back, inspected the box and then eyed him. A long period of silence went by. Jacky’s head was still hanging low. After a few seconds, he bit his teeth and whispered, “Take it, quick! I’m going to pee if you don’t take it!”

Finally I took the present. “Thanks.” I said. It was very light and the box was hard. It had to be plastic.

“I’ve got to go.” He said and went off, leaving me alone with the box. “I’m not embarrassed! I’m really not embarrassed! I just need to pee! Just, just wear it everyday!” he yelled as he was far away from me.

I went home and with Landy, we opened the present. It was a branded watch. From then on, I wore the watch almost every time I went out. It had become part of my life.

That silly guy. What’s there to be embarrassed about?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jacky accompanied me when I went for my next appointment with Dr. Ong.

“How was the therapy with Mr. Kam?” Dr. Ong asked.

“I cursed him.”

Dr. Ong did not seem worried. He wrote something on his file. “Good for you. Okay, I remember you once said you’ve got a best friend called Landy who is immune to your curse?”

I nodded.

“Can you get her to meet me next time?”

“I don’t think there’s a need-”

“Doctor’s order. It will help, a lot. Alright?”

Reluctantly, I nodded. When I told Jacky about it, he said he was eager about meeting Landy as well. And I felt something. Like a little anger directed at Landy.

Was that feeling… jealousy?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When more strange things happened, I knew somehow or other that my life had changed.

On one of those days, I woke up very early in the morning. Having nothing to do, I took out almost every scrap of food in the refrigerator. Then I took wholemeal bread and began to make a sandwich with all the trimmings.

I completed my ten-centimetre-high sandwich after fifteen minutes and packed it into a plastic bag. At lunch break that day, after Jacky and I had finished our meals, I passed him the sandwich.

“You made it?”I nodded, not looking at him. But I was curious to see what his expression was, so I stole a quick look at him, and my eyes never left his then.His eyes were red. He was munching on the sandwich as if it was some expensive food from a classy restaurant. He then folded the plastic bag into a nice shape and kept looking at me.

“Is it nice?” I asked.

“Too nice.” He said, and suddenly I could hear his breathing. He was blinking a lot faster, as if to combat any tears. “Too nice.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“You made a sandwich for him? But you’re such a lousy cook! I mean, two months ago, you tried cooking instant noodles with egg and you didn’t even bother to crack open the egg. Wait a moment.” Landy said, leaning forward to me. I could not tell whether she was serious or not. “Did you actually use bread to make the sandwich? Or did you use sand instead?”

I pushed her away and I laughed. It felt so good to laugh. “Bread. And yeah, by the way, Dr. Ong wanted to see you.”“

Me?” Landy crossed and uncrossed her legs a few times. “Why me?”

“I don’t know. You’re my best friend. My only friend. Maybe that’s why.”

“Can I… not go?”

“Come on, go. You’ll be able to see Jacky.”

“Arh. Jacky here, Jacky there.” Landy said, stuffing her mouth with a few Mentos sweets. “Alright then, I’ll go for you. Tell me, is that… Dr. Ong handsome? Is he married?”

“He’s single and available. He has a body of steel and a nuclear-powered mind. But be careful: He’s spent his campus life learning how to read people’s minds. You won’t wanna play with his heart.”

“I love challenges.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I was having my breakfast that day in school with Jacky beside me when my phone rang. Glancing around to make sure no lecturers were around, I took out my phone. It was an unknown number.

It was a nurse from Child’s Guidance Clinic. After confirming my identity, she said, “You’ve got an appointment with Mr. Kam this afternoon, right?”

“Yes.” I said, and looked at Jacky. He had stopped chewing and was darting his eyes at me. Mr. Kam was the therapist I had cursed not too long ago.

“Mr. Kam is on long term M.C. He’ll be back next month. I’ve checked with Dr.Ong, your doctor. He said he’d get another therapist for you. You have an appointment with Dr. Ong tomorrow, right? He’ll brief you on that.”

I nodded at the phone. I had been expecting this. Jacky’s mouth was wide open, trying to read something from my expression. I must be frowning.

“And yes, Dr. Ong reminded you to bring your friends along.”

“Friends?” I asked. I thought it was just Landy?

“Yes, that’ll be… Miss Landy and Mr. Jacky.”

Oh. Jacky is just a friend.

“I will. Will do. Thanks.”

After I had told Jacky everything, he shrugged and then smiled. “Dr. Kam must have a very high fever.”

“He broke his arm.”

“The nurse said that?”

“No, I didn’t ask-”

“Then let’s just presume he had a very very high fever, alright?” Jacky agrued. “Please, Joanna. Mr. Kam had a very high fever. Come on, repeat after me. Mr. Kam had a very high-”

“-fever.” I said, feeling like a primary school child.

“No, you must read after me. Mr. Kam had a very high fever. Come on.”“Mr. Kam had a very high fever.” I said. Then I realized something.When I was with Jacky, I felt like a child in a nursery. And he, he was not the teacher, nor the fellow children. He was the big brother who always stood outside the window, smiling, encouraging and giving me tips. And throughout the whole day, I would be staring at the window, wondering when I would be able to be with him again.

Oh shit. What am I thinking?

End of Chapter 9

2007-03-03T13:07:00.000+08:00

Chapter 8

I inspected the waiting area. The lighting was bright. There were many sofas along with some tables, all neatly placed, and a few stacks of magazines were resting on the tables. I stole a quick look at them. Most of them were parenting magazines.

Jacky came forward with two cups of plain water. A few parents were with their young children (most of them below five years old). “It’s so empty here.” I whispered, taking a sip of the water. If I had spoken freely, my voice would have carried throughout the entire waiting area.

“No worries.” Jacky patted my shoulder. The nurses at the counter were chatting with each other. A few doctors in their white coats walked in and out of their rooms, holding folders in their hand. I wondered which of them I would be allocated to. The nurse had said “Dr. Ong”.

“Joanna Fung?” I glanced up. Out of nowhere, a tall young man was standing in front of me. He was wearing his doctor’s coat and looked like a decent chap, with his thick glasses and neat hairstyle. I stood up instantly and offered my hand for a handshake. “Come with me, will you?” he smiled. I turned and looked at Jacky. He was winking at me, and then relaxed on the sofa.

I was led into Room 15, with the tag “Dr. Ong Kim Leng” on the door. The room had a sofa, a table strewn with toys, a big whiteboard and a desk with a computer. Dr. Ong sat on a chair and motioned for me to sit down. I looked around and realized that I should sit on the sofa. Never before had I sat on a sofa when I went to see a doctor.

“Alright, Joanna, seventeen years old. Junior College student. National Junior College. Not bad.” He rolled his chair in front of me and pulled out a file with a pen. “Now, it’s only you and me. Just you, Joanna Fung, and me, Dr. Ong.”

I nodded.

“So whatever we say here, no one else is going to know. Alright? So we have a pact.”

I nodded again, this time nervous.

“I just want to let you know that coming here is the right choice. You know something is wrong, and you’re admitting it. Finally.”

I did not wish to nod, but still, I did. He was very nagging.

“Alright then, let’s not waste each other’s time. So, come on, tell me what’s bothering you.”

Finally I got to talk. I told him everything that I had told Jacky about: The “curse”. Dr. Ong was amazingly attentive: he kept on listening, and while listening, he would write something on the file. Sometimes he would draw something and asked me irrelevant questions.

“Tell me frankly, do you have a boyfriend?”

“No.”

“Are you happy when chatting with your best friend, Landy?”

“Yes.”

“How do you feel if I tell you that you’re a very creative thinker?”

“I don’t know.”

Finally, after an hour of confessing my problems to him, he closed his file. “Do you have any questions for me?” he asked me. I shook my head. “Alright then. What you’re suffering from is a mental illness called ‘Obsessive Compulsive Disorder’, or OCD for short.”

I shrugged. I had never heard of this before.

“Before I go on to tell you what OCD is, I’ll give you a simple example. Have you seen people in the coffee shop washing their hands almost every few minutes, rubbing their hands with soap till they tear their skin?”

I nodded. I had known someone like that in my secondary school days. She just kept on going to the toilet to wash her hands. I always thought that she was just paying more attention to hygiene than us.

“You see, they’re also suffering from OCD. They feel that their hands are always dirty, so they have the urge to wash them again and again. They’re obsessed with the thought of dirty hands. And they wash their hands to make them feel better. That’s their compulsion.”

“And?”

“You’re also suffering from OCD. Your case is a bit different. You’re obsessed with the thought that you’re ‘cursed’, hence you have the compulsion of not talking to others. It will make you feel better.”

Crap, I thought.

“In mental terms, we’re in a cycle of thought, behavior and feeling. You have the thought of fear when talking to others, fearing that you might curse them. So your behavior will be to avoid talking to them.”

I toyed with my fingers. I was not paying attention.

He stood up and began to draw the cycle for me to see.“So, we can’t change your thoughts. And your feeling, your fear, is created by your thoughts. So we can only help to change your behavior. Through a change in your behavior, your thoughts and feelings will change as well. We’ll go through a therapy called Cognitive Behavioral Psychotherapy to change your behavior. In other words, to be happy, you have to change the world or change your thinking. We’re here to change your thinking.”

“Okay, so, when can we start?”

Dr. Ong stared at me, his eyes and mouth wide open. I must have been the first patient to accept his diagnosis and treatment so straightforwardly.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Obsession Disordering Of …computing.” I explained to Jacky. “Eh, wait. OCD. Obsession Computer Disordering? I forgot the name of it. The short form is OCD.”

“Sounds like the Police Force in Robocop, OCP. And what is it all about?”

“I am obsessed with the ‘curse’. And I’m controlled by it. So they’re trying to change my thinking-eh, no. Not thinking. They’re trying to change my behavior. So that my thinking will change. And my feelings will change.”

“The Thought-Feeling-Behavior cycle. I’ve heard of it before.”

“Whatever.” I blurted. “And I’m supposed to meet this Mr. Kam later on. He’ll do a therapy on me. Change my behavior. Change my thoughts. Change my feelings.” I was prescribed with medications that cost me well over ten bucks. It was “Fluoxetine”, some sort of SSRI (as mentioned by Dr Ong), or simply, an anti-depressant.

We waited for another half an hour before Mr. Kam came forward to meet me. He was in his forties, with a lean build. We greeted each other and he led me to another room, leaving Jacky alone again.

This time, the room was smaller. There were two small chairs, a small table and a desk. The walls were lined with drawings by children less than ten years old. I sat on one of the chairs. “I’ve read your files. I know everything about your condition, but I would like to hear the whole story again, from yourself.”

And once again, I revealed my ‘curse’. Miraculously, I had now told three people about my ‘curse’ within two weeks.

“Alright. OCD.” Mr. Kam did not seem to be as friendly as Dr. Ong. “This therapy involves doing something that is against your will. You think you can curse someone. So, come on. Curse me.”

I was taken aback. He was insane. He must be. I had never expected that the fourth person I had confided my secret in would ask me to curse him.

“Go on, curse me.”

“I really have the curse” I said. “Don’t play these games.”

He pointed at his forehead. “It’s all in the mind, Joanna. Your thoughts. Your thoughts are telling you it’s wrong. But I want to prove your mind wrong instead. Curse me. When your behavior changes, so do your thoughts, and eventually, your feelings. And then you’ll be cured. Come on.”

I was thinking of Jacky. I wondered how he would react. This Mr. Kam was asking for trouble. He looked harmless though.

“No.” I said.

“Do you want to be cured?”

“I’m not sick. I’m cursed.”

“Trust me. Just this once. Just say that sentence. Prove me wrong.”

“I don’t want to ruin you!”

“You won’t. Curse me leniently then. We’ll do it slowly.”

“No, please…”

“Oh come on! Don’t make me bribe you with candies.”

“Please don’t force me…”

“Come on!”

“Stop it…”

“Curse me!”

I could no longer take it. I stared at him, thought for a while then said softly, “You’ll break your arm within this week.”

Mr. Kam smiled. He must be sick in the mind. He was the sick one, not me. That sicko! Trouble seeker. “Good, Joanna. How are you feeling now?”

I kept quiet for a while. “Regretful. I just want to say sorry in advance to you. I hope you’ve bought insurance.”

“Don’t worry, I’m insured. From a scale of one to hundred, one being least depressed, hundred being most depressed, how depressed are you feeling now?”

“Hundred.” I said. He showed me a piece of paper with a table drawn on it and wrote something.

We chatted about irrelevant things for the next ten minutes. He told me about the various kinds of obsessions people had, like the fear of using a fork and the fear of crossing the road. I was kind of amused yet at the same time amazed by these real-life stories. After fifteen minutes, he asked me how depressed I was again. I said hundred once more. An hour later, he asked again and I said hundred. Mr. Kam did not look pleased.

He got me another date to come back for the next therapy session. “I believe by then your depression level won’t be hundred.”

“Maybe more.” I said and went out to meet Jacky.

When I told him what I had done, he just smiled. He did not believe in my curse as well. I would show him. I would show them just how powerful my curse is.

Gosh, can’t they understand me?

End of Chapter 8

2007-02-21T11:37:00.000+08:00

Chapter 7

Of course he could not fall in love with me. I had this curse that could harm him. This was all for his own good. But why did he still do all these things when he did not like me? I wondered if he did that to every girl he knew. Then tell them that he did not like them. He must be that sort of person. A bastard who likes to see girls cry in front of him.

I hated him to the core.

I went home with my eyes still red. Landy was in, reading a magazine. When she saw me, she frowned, knowing something had happened. I told her everything within fifteen minutes.

“He sucks.” She commented, sharing my exasperation. “He just sucks. Painfully sucks.” I nodded, agreeing with her every word. “But he’s just so… nice, isn’t it? So romantic… so… nice.”

“Idiot. I hate him. I hate him!”

“You love him, Joanna. It’s the other way round.”

Her sentence sent me into a whirlpool of thought. I cried so hard when he said he could not fall in love in me. Was it because of the fact that I liked him? I had not cried that much since my mother’s death.

My hand phone beeped. There was an incoming message. Landy passed me the phone and said, “It has to be Jacky.”

I opened the message and truly, it was him.

I’m sorrie if I say anything wrong… u will still come for the appointment, won’t u?

I read the message aloud to Landy. She beamed and exclaimed, “Say yes!”

I did not heed her advice. I typed a No and replied to him. “No, I’m not keen anymore.” I told Landy. “I don’t wanna go out with an idiot.”

“You’re going for the appointment, not going out with Jacky, my gosh!”

I was still trying to control my tears. I should not cry in front of my best friend. I had always been the strong independent girl. I would not cry for a guy again!

A new message came in.

Let me fetch you on that day, okie?

I replied a No again. I had enough of this guy. Trying to help me? Or maybe he was just doing all this so that he could skip school! That bastard!

“Come on, relax and let’s talk this out. It’s very obvious, Joanna, that you’ve fallen in love with Jacky. Why not just admit that, and we’ll have an easier time to decide on whether to go or not?” Landy was saying. But I was not paying attention. I was looking at my phone, wondering if Jacky would reply or not.

Slowly, I digested Landy’s words. It was really clear. It was just too clear. Maybe I just dared not say it out. Finally, after fifteen minutes of battle with my tears, I lost. A drop rolled out. I wiped it off instantly. Landy, somehow, had seen it.

“Cry it out, Joanna. Cry it out.”

A new message.

Only you can help yourself. come on, reply a yes…

I replied a No.

“I know you’re going for the therapy because of him.”

“I’m not!” I retorted.

“Then…” Landy whispered so soft that I had to read from her lips. “Why are you not going anymore, after he said all that?” And she made sense.

A new message came in. Vent your thoughts to others please… it’s the only way out.

I replied a No again and looked at Landy. I was lost for words. She had hit my vital point. Jacky then replied, Ease your illusions! let me help…

I shrugged. I did not know what to tell Landy, and I did not reply to Jacky. I was caught at a crossroads, not knowing where to go. Landy was quiet, eyeing me, as if waiting for me to say something.

You’ve gotta go for it!

Only you… yourself can help yourself…

Understanding yourself is most important…

I looked at the messages. He had sent me three messages in a short span of five minutes. Landy was frowning, obviously curious at the messages that Jacky had sent me.

I crossed my legs, then my arms. Then I threw my hand phone onto the sofa and closed my eyes. My mind had dealt with too many emotional battles within a day: I guessed it needed a long rest.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Avoiding Jacky was one of the toughest things to do at school.

He was everywhere. I tried not looking at him, but realized I couldn’t. I wanted to see his expression: Was he feeling angry, guilty or happy? Or maybe he was just indifferent?

In fact, there was no change. His trademark smile still lingered on his face. He still greeted every lecturer as if they were his best pals. He even tried to joke with me, but I did not laugh and he did not continue the conversation.

Finally lunch break came and this was the most awkward moment for me, as we always had our lunch side by side. I bought my own food and sat alone, wondering if he would still join me. Instead one of my classmates sat beside me and I glared at her. She stared at me, then at the seat, and finally walked off.

Jacky was at the drinks stall. Would he buy me my drink? I scanned my food, trying to stop myself from looking at him. Then a familiar deep voice hailed me. “Here’s your drink. Diet coke with salt.”

I looked up. There he was, Jacky Wu, sitting beside me. I just stared at him, dumbfounded, startled but not surprised. He smiled, and then ate his food. I did the same thing. A few awkward minutes passed.

“I’ll pick you up next Tuesday morning. I’ve applied for an official break from the school.”

“Okay.”

Okay? What was I thinking? Landy, help me. Landy, I’m mad. Landy…

“Good. It’s been so long since I’ve seen the morning sun from an angle other than from the school on a weekday. I’m so excited.”

I nodded. I must be crazy. I felt so much like flipping the table over and giving him a tight slap on his face. Yet I just sat there, agreeing and nodding to everything he said. My body was not listening to my mind. I must be mad. I must be.

“Great.” He said. “You received my messages yesterday?”

I nodded again. I must have forgotten how to speak English.

“All of them? There’s a hidden message. Can you decode it?”

I shrugged. What was he saying?

“Have you deleted the messages?”

I nodded. If I said otherwise, he might get the idea that I had stored every message that he sent me.

“Oh, okay.” He said, and then continued with his food. “Read some of Dan Brown’s books. The Da Vinci Code, Deception Point and Angels & Demons. Most importantly, read Digital Fortress. It’s a novel about breaking codes.” He smiled, and then suddenly laughed out loud for no reason. “However, reading them won’t help you solve the code.”

Was that a joke? If so, it was just so not funny.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Hidden message?” Landy was saying, looking at the messages. “Has he read too many ‘The Da Vinci Code’?"

“Beats me.” I had written down all the messages on a piece of paper. They all sounded so normal. “Maybe he’s just trying to be funny. He’s always funny. But his jokes are not funny.”

“Yeah, maybe that’s why you like him.”

I ignored her comments and stared at all the messages again.

I’m sorrie if I say anything wrong… u will still come for the appointment, won’t u? Let me fetch you on that day, okie? Only you can help yourself. come on, reply a yes…Vent your thoughts to others please… it’s the only way out. Ease your illusions! let me help…You’ve gonna come for it! Only you… yourself can help yourself… Understanding yourself is most important…

Hidden message? Crap. But still, I spent an hour reading and re-reading the messages. It did not make the slightest sense. If he had wanted to start a conversation, he should have thought of a better idea than saying there was a hidden message in his SMSes. So clichéd.

End of Chapter 7

2007-02-20T16:19:00.000+08:00

Chapter 6

I was unable to sleep that night. At first I thought that maybe I was too physically exhausted and my mind was unable to drift into sleep mode. So I began to count sheep, drank warm milk and studied my Economics text. It was futile. After playing a loud slow song that woke my grandmother up, I decided not to sleep. After all, I had to wake up early the next day for school.

It was, by then, four in the morning. Several windows outside my apartment were lightening up, getting ready for the day. I looked at my hand phone to check for new messages. There weren’t any. I frowned and sent “Good night, good morning, Mr. Wu” as a SMS to Jacky and went to bath.

Why the heck had I done that? For fun? No, in my dictionary, the word ‘fun’ had ceased to exist. I spent the next two hours surfing the Internet, checking my hand phone, watching television, checking my hand phone again, playing games and checking my hand phone once more.

At last, at six, I received a message. It was from Jacky. Morning, Joanna! I m so happy. This is the 1st time u msg me. Thx! I deleted the message and then spent the next ten minutes trying to restore deleted messages. There was no such function. Silly me.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jacky was “acting” normal to me in school.

It was like yesterday’s conversation had never occurred. He put on his trademark smile to class as usual and joked his time off. When lunch break came, he bought me my drink and I could avoid the strangeness no longer. I asked, “Why are you acting so strangely today?”

“Strangely?” he said. “I’m not! I’m not even acting.”

“You are.” I retorted, wondering if I had just accidentally “cursed” him. After a considerably thought, I figured I had not so I continued. “You used to be so…” I stopped. It was not him. It was me.

I had suddenly wanted him to pay more attention to me. To talk to me more. To joke with me more. He was just being himself today. What was wrong with me?

“I’m sorry.” I said as I looked at my plate of rice, ashamed to face him. “So, when is the… appointment?”

“I’m calling them later.”

“You’ll… come with me, correct? As you promised?”Although I was not looking at him, I knew he must have been showing me that toothy grin again.

“I promise. I’ll come with you for every session. Every single session. Every…”

“Good. Good.” I said. “Damn good.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Hey, Joanna.” I woke up from my doze. The lecturer’s droning voice was amplified to the entire hall. I took a few seconds to register my situation and looked up. It was Michael, one of my classmates who wrote the script for the play. He was sitting in front of me, his head turned. Jacky was snoring beside me, his cheek kissing the table.

“Hey, Joanna.” He repeated as if I was still napping. “You there?”

I nodded as an answer to his question.

“Are you okay?” he whispered. I nodded again.

“Why?”

“Well, it’s because…”

Jacky sprang up from his sleep and grabbed Michael in the neck, standing up. “Don’t harm her!” he shouted. His voice attracted the attention of the entire hall. All the students turned to look at him.

The lecturer stopped talking and stared at Jacky with his eyes wide open, obviously surprised at Jacky’s commotion. All I did was to look Jacky in the eyes. Michael did not struggle. He was staring at Jacky, still stunned by his onslaught.

A few seconds dragged on. Jacky let go and sat down while Michael scratched his head. They did not exchange a single word. A few whispers from the students killed the silence.

“As you all can see, the point when demand is…” Strangely, the lecturer continued the lecture as if nothing had happened.

“Hey, Mike.” Jacky whispered. Michael wheeled and faced Jacky. He did not seem afraid. “I’m sorry. I had a silly dream. You know, Mr. Tan’s voice can turn a sweet dream into a nightmare.”

“I know. I understand. That’s why I dare not sleep when Mr. Tan is lecturing. By the way, what dream did you just have? Who’s the ‘her’?” Michael asked.

“Yeah, who’s the ‘her’?” I asked as well. Must be out of curiosity.

“I… forgot. You know, you always forget your dreams.”Michael laughed.

“Yeah. Anyway, Joanna, I was able to ask you… are you okay?”

“What’s wrong?” Jacky and I replied together.

“Well, it’s just that… you’ve smiled five times today. And I’ve seen you smile less than ten times despite knowing you for more than six months. It’s a bit… unusual?”

“Well, Michael…” Jacky licked his lips in delight. “She’s going to smile more in the future. I promise you that.”

And all of a sudden, I smiled.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“It’s called the Child’s Guidance Clinic, commonly known as CGC. It provides neuroscience treatment, psychological and psychiatric services to people aged eighteen and below. It’s under the Institute Of Mental Health. The price is cheaper as the Government will subsidize a large portion of the cost. I’ve booked an appointment for you.”

Jacky passed me a sheet of paper. There was a map, a date and a time. “The clinic is in Singapore General Hospital. Pretty close to our school, so we’ll have no problem getting there after school. And this…” he passed me another sheet of paper. It was an official appointment letter issued by the Clinic. “We’ll need that to enter the clinic.”

“Isn’t that place meant to be for children?”

“No, that’s the misconception that most people have. The CGC also accepts teenage patients as long as you have the will to be cured. The age requirement is eighteen and below. And you qualify. Okay?”

I read the official appointment letter. The first appointment was for a Tuesday morning on which we had school.

“No worries about that. I’ve applied for an official leave from the school.”

“Official leave?”

“ Well, on that day, we both will turn ill. And we’ll ‘buy’ MCs from doctors. Isn’t that official enough?”I laughed.

“And when the doctor asks you to choose the next appointment date, give him a date where you and I can go together without skipping school. Okay?”

I nodded.

“Great.” As he was able to leave, I stopped him.

“Huh?”

“Look, Jacky…” My eyes met his and I whispered, “Thank you. For everything.”

“My gosh, you’re close to tears.” He took a step closer to me and tapped my head. “Come on, it’s nothing much, okay? Cool it.”

“I…”

“Hey, Joanna.” He turned serious. “You must understand, I’m doing this because I wanna help you, okay? I want you to believe in yourself and others. Just that. We cannot be a couple. You cannot be my girlfriend. I have my reasons. So, don’t you ever fall in love with me, okay?”

Fuck. Damn. Ass. Bastard. Idiot. Silly, damn, fucking bastard ass idiot!

“I’ll never fall in love with you!” I yelled back at the top of my voice. “I’ll never love you! And you!” I pointed at him in the chest, and then punched him in the chest repeatedly. “Don’t you fall in love with me! Don’t you turn back and tell me ‘I love you!’! You hear me, Jacky Wu Zhong Xian? You hear me?! Me, Joanna Fung Wai Gwan, will never, ever fall in love with Jacky Wu Zhong Xian!”

“Cool down-” he whispered.

“And you, Jacky Wu Zhong Xian, you’ll better don’t fall in love with me, coz’ I’ll never love you!” I gave him a final punch before I stepped back. My heart was beating a lot faster and my body was jerking up and down uncontrollably. “You cannot be my boyfriend! I have my reasons! Okay! Don’t fall in love with me!”

I turned and ran off. A few tears fell. And while I ran, I tore up the two pieces of paper that Jacky had passed to me.

End of Chapter 6

2007-02-20T15:52:00.000+08:00

Chapter 5

There was a long period of silence. I wiped my tears off but they kept on coming. Jacky stroked me gently on my back, as if it would help to stop my sobbing. In that moment, I really wished I would wake up in the comfort of my bed and realize that everything had just been a dream.
I guessed I had regretted telling Jacky everything. No one knew about all this except Landy. I had tried so hard to bury my past but Jacky’s persistence had caused me to dig it out. I pushed Jacky off, knowing I could not lay my head on his shoulder forever. To my surprise, he was wearing a smile, not at all surprised by my story.

“And you believe you caused the death of your mother? Because of the ‘curse’ that you have?” he said.

I nodded.

“Silly, Joanna. There’s a word known as ‘coincidence’. It just happened to be a coincidence.”
This time round, I shook my head. “A few days after my mother’s death, I had a quarrel with one of my friends. In the midst of the quarrel, I…” I paused again. It was hard to dig out a past that had been buried away for so long. “I said, ‘You’re so stubborn, your boyfriend is gonna leave you soon!’. And a few days later, her boyfriend broke up with her.”

“Well, two coincidences.”

“I once scolded a taxi driver for speeding. I said he would soon get into an accident if he continued to speed. He ignored my warnings and the next day, the newspaper reported that a taxi had smashed onto a tree. Luckily the taxi driver suffered no serious injury. I’ve always hoped it was just coincidences, Jacky. It’s not. It’s a curse. I’m cursed. Every bad thing I say will come true.”

“That’s the reason why you’re so quiet? So… introverted?”

I nodded. “More or less. Trust me, it’s not coincidences. There’re more examples of my curse. I dare not talk, for fear I may ‘accidentally’ curse others. It’s not my fault.”

Jacky bit his lip. A few seconds later, he mouthed, “I remembered you once said you’ve got friends outside JC. Is it true?”

“Just one friend. Name’s Landy. Strangely…” I stopped, wondering if I should tell Jacky about Landy or not. I thought, since I had already told him so much, why not tell him about Landy as well? “She isn’t affected by my curses. I had accidentally cursed her a few times but she seems to be immune to it. Nothing happens after my curses. Hence she has always been my best friend.”

I told him more about Landy, on how we first met and how she visited me frequently just for a chat. “My grandmother will open the door for her when I’m not in. However my grandmother always forgets she does that. She has poor memory and poor eyesight.”

“Landy must have been a good friend to come by for a chat.”

“Yeah.” I said, a bit annoyed by that pointless remark.

“So she knew about your ‘curse’ as well? And encouraged you to avoid talking to others?”

“That’s right.” I replied. “She had seen how people suffered under my curse. That’s the reason why she prefers me to keep quiet.”

“Okay…” Jacky muttered then closed his eyes, obviously trying to think of something to say.
I stared at his closed eyes. Why had I told him so much? Maybe it was to tell him the reason why I did not like the idea of the free-style play. Maybe it was also to tell him that my quietness was not my fault. Maybe to let him paint a better image of me in his mind.

“Remember your promise just now?” he suddenly said, interrupting my thoughts.

“Yeah.”

“Okay, believe in me now. Say this after me ‘I don’t have a curse.’”

“But I-”

“Remember your promise!” he exclaimed, cutting my sentence. “Now, repeat after me… ‘I don’t have a curse’.”

I guessed I just had to play along to humour him. “I don’t have a curse. Silly.”

“No! Just say ‘I don’t have a curse’. No ‘silly’ behind. Come on, try again.”

I shrugged. Was he childish or was I too matured? “I don’t have a curse.”

“Good. Now say ‘I am just having a minor mental illness that can be cured after seeing a psychiatrist.’”

“No!” this time, I yelled. “No, I, you… you-” I stopped myself at that very moment. I was going to say “you idiot”, but that would equal to cursing him. I just glared at him, wanting so much to
scold him. “I’m not sick.” I sneered.

“Believe in me. Remember your promise? Believe in me! Say after me!”

“I’m not sick.”

“Believe in me. Believe me! You’ll not fail if you believe!”

“I’m not sick. I’m cursed.”

“Believe me!”

Once again, I fell into silence. Knowing that I would not win this argument, I said, “I don’t have a curse. I am just having a minor mental illness that can be cured after seeing a psychiatrist.”

Jacky nodded. “Good. I’ll call the shrink tomorrow, and we’ll book an appointment, okay? I’ll accompany you to the shrink.”

“What?!” I yelled instantly. “No way!”

“Look, Joanna, there’re still five more minutes to the hour. You should still believe me, alright?
You need a doctor.”

“No I don’t!”

“Then prove it to me! If the doctor can’t cure you, then I’ll give up!”

I had never seen a shrink before. In my impression, a shrink looks like the beautiful Kelly Chen, the actress who acted as one in the movie “Infernal Affairs”. She would just listen and the patient will do the talking. The patient will feel better after taking some medication and he or
she will be cured. Silly, isn’t it? How can anyone’s accumulated mental illness get better after saying everything and popping a few pills? I could not believe Jacky had just suggested I do that.

“No.” I said.

“I’ll go with you. Every appointment. Please.”

He would go with me? I pondered on that. For the longest period of time, I had always been
alone. Now this silly weirdo had just proposed to accompany me for those silly appointments. I frowned, lowering my eyebrows to a V shape. Was he trying to break my routine?

“Are you trying to break my routine? Change my life?” I said my thoughts aloud.

“Yes. I wanna break your routine. I wanna change your life.”

This was getting sillier. I had been lonely for more than three years. What could he possibly do? I guessed the best he could do was to mess up my life. Like recommending me to see a shrink. Silly, silly Jacky. Really silly. Asking me to believe in him, to believe that he would be able to change my life…

“…for the better.” He added suddenly.

For the better? I stared up at the stars. Maybe I was trying to avoid him. But all of a sudden, I said, “When is the first appointment?”

It was my heart speaking.He told me he had to check everything first. Upon our agreement, we climbed down the playground and made our way to the bus-stop. After waiting for a few minutes, we realized that it was close to one in the morning.

“Sorry, I don’t have enough cash with me.” He said.

“Me too.”

His face brightened up. “Then I’ll walk you home, and I’ll walk home after that!”

I wanted so much to smile. To laugh at his silly antics. However, I just nodded. We were at West Coast and my house is at Jurong Extension. It would take more than an hour’s walk.

We started the long walk talking about many things. This was the first time I had spoken so much to another person other than Landy since my parents’ deaths. Jacky said that he was the only child in his family. His father died of cancer when he was just seven; hence he had a very close relationship with his mother.

He said he learnt a lot of things when his father was dying. He told me how precious life could be, and said that we all came into this world for a purpose. “Happiness and sadness are not caused by your surroundings. They’re caused by your thinking.”

He verbalized. When I asked him about his plans for the future, he gave me an answer that really surprised me. “My plans for the future? Make you smile. Do something meaningful.”
We reached my house about an hour later. He was totally exhausted. Beads of sweats blanketed his forehead, but he was still smiling despite the weariness. “I’ll call you.” He said. “I’ll call you and tell you when we’ll meet up for the appointment. I’ll… see you around, eh?”

“Yeah.” I said. I realized he still had a long way to go from my house to his house at Bukit Batok.
“You want me to get some cash for you to take a cab?”

I had expected him to say yes. He was massaging his neck and looked as if he wanted to vomit. However, he maintained his pride and muttered, “No, I’ll walk home. It’s good exercise.”
“Well, good for you. See you.”After he left, I took a bath. Landy was my room, sleeping soundly on my bed. After my bath, the doorbell rang. It was two in the morning. Who could it be? I looked through the hole in the door. It was Jacky.

“Hey…” he said, resting his back on the wall. His face was pale white, as if he had just seen a ghost. His lips seemed to be wet and he smelled of puke. “Can you lend me twenty bucks? I’ll return it to you tomorrow.”

I passed him the money. “Return me something else. Not the twenty bucks. Something else that is worth twenty bucks.” What was I saying? Sometimes, I felt that I said stupid things to him.

“Okay.” He saluted me and said, “I’ll return you something else. Something that twenty bucks can’t buy.”

With that, he ambled off. I stared at the last of his shadow before I closed my door, and I did something I had never expected myself to do.

I smiled to myself.

End of Chapter 5

2007-02-19T23:58:00.000+08:00

Chapter 4

The taxi ride to West Coast Park took me fifteen minutes. By then, night had fallen and I had already stopped shedding tears. There were not many people around. Landy came an hour later and we climbed up the tall pyramid-shaped playground, lying on the ropes.

“You really want to tell him everything, don’t you?” Landy said. “Coz you feel like you’ve got a… bond with him.”

“He’ll get killed by me.” I whispered. “I don’t want danger to befall him.”

“But you really want to tell him about your problems. You really wanna tell him about your curse. I support you.”

“I don’t know.”

“Okay, why not we play a game? If he’s here within fifteen minutes, you’ll tell him about your problems, okay? If not, we’ll sleep here for the night. Are you game for it?”

I looked up at the starless night. He would not be able to find me, I thought.

“Deal.”“Well then, I’m going down.” Landy reached down, grabbed the rope below and slowly made her way down.

“Huh?”

“Look down, my friend.” By then, Landy had reached the ground. She waved at me and I understood what she meant at the moment I looked down. Jacky, still in his uniform, walked past her. When he saw me, he smiled broadly and climbed up the ropes, flaunting his lean biceps. Within a few seconds he was sitting beside me.

“How did you know I was here?” I said. “Landy called you?”

“Who’s Landy?” Jacky shrugged and shook his head.“The girl who just walked past you.”

“Did anyone walk past me just now?” he furrowed his brows.

“I didn’t notice. I just saw you.”

“Then how did you know I’d be here?”

“I installed a tracer on your handphone. You know, like those tracers that secret agents use? I bought it on the black market. Cost me a bomb.”

I bit my lip and ignored his pointless remark.

“Joanna, can I tell you something?”

I nodded, stunned at his seriousness. He never usually bothered to request permission when he asked questions. What he had just said freaked me out. My eyes were fixed to the ground, my hand toying with the ropes that supported our weight.

“I know it’s one of the hardest things to do in the world… I know it’s like asking you to stuff your fist into your mouth or it’s like asking you to eat caterpillars but…” he paused. I shivered. Gosh, he looked really serious when he was not smiling. “Will you… will you, believe me?”

“Believe you?” I twisted my head, almost relieved. “What do you mean?” I was not expecting him to say something so simple.

“Lend me an hour of your time. In this hour, I really hope you can believe in everything I say. Will you?”

I clenched my hand into a fist, thinking hard. I then recalled the deal I had with Landy. “Okay, I believe. Now, what do you want to say?”

“Tell me about your problems. Joanna, you’ll not fail if you keep trying.”

“No! No one can help-”

“Joanna!” And he did it: He held my hand and cried, “Believe me!”

I shook my head a few times, trying hard to believe him. I will not fail if I keep trying? I had always been trying… but I always failed. I’d given up hope on everything, choosing instead to live in my own world.

A minute passed silently. I gazed fixedly at the starless sky. Time seemed to be crawling by callously. I grabbed a rope, preparing to leap down when Landy’s words came to mind again. With that thought, I looked up at Jacky. His eyes darted towards mine. It was then I realized he was still holding on to my left hand.

“Believe me.” He repeated as he released my hand. I felt a surge of loss. “What is the reason that causes you to be so reserved? How did your parents… pass away?”

Tears started to well up in my eyes. I wanted so much to lay my head on his shoulder but I feared he might feel uncomfortable. I shook my head a few times to hold back my tears. It was not an easy task. “I killed them.”

“Tell me more. Let me help.”

“You can’t help!” I yelled, my voice echoing in the quiet night.

“Believe in me!”

“You wouldn’t-”

“You have to be-”

“It’s too complica-”

“Believe me!”

“No one can help-”

“I can help you. I really can. Let me help, please. Believe in me.”

Somehow, my heart melted and I gave in.

“I was born into a perfect family. I had a father who drove a taxi and a mother who cooked for others.” I started, not daring to face him.

“That’s very good. Go on.”

“We lived simply, yet happily. My dad worked seven days a week. Every night, I would wait for my father to buy supper for us. The three of us would eat while watching television. That late night meal was the only time for us to be together. I would tell them about the new bully at school. They would teach me how to fight back.”

“You’ve got good parents.” Jacky cut in, obviously just to prove that he was still listening.

“Life was perfect. Just so perfect. Until one day… one day…” Whenever the memories flowed back, I would choke on my tears. Jacky patted me on my back, encouraging me to keep my composure. I knew if I was to tell him about myself, I would have to overcome those memories. “One day… that day…” I took a long, deep breath. “It all happened.”

“The day started like any other day. My father ate his breakfast in a rush and then went to work. As usual, I yelled ‘Drive carefully, Dad’ to him before he stepped out of the house. I was in school, listening to the teacher telling us everything about how apples drop to the ground when I saw my mother outside the classroom.

“I remembered that day, we were supposed to have a spelling test yet I had forgotten to bring the exercise book. I thought my mother was just there to pass me my book. Little did I expect it to be something more than just a book.

“She grabbed my hand and we left the school. No words were exchanged. We went into a taxi, and when she cried, I sensed something was wrong. Then she hugged me, and I knew it was bad news.”

I paused. I needed a break from the bad memories flooding back. Jacky flashed his trademark smile and patted my shoulder. We stayed that way for a few more minutes.

“My father had died in a car accident. In his desperate attempt to fetch a passenger, he neglected his own safety. A lorry crashed his car. He died instantly. I was only twelve then. I cried everyday, waiting for my supper to come. But every night, only memories of my Dad came back. I could no longer tell him about the new bully that came to my school.

“My mother, strangely, indirectly blamed me for his death. She claimed that had I not told my father to drive carefully, he might not have died. It made no sense at all. With my father’s death, my mother quit her job and turned into a drunkard. She would return every night stinking of alcohol. I had no idea where she got the money.

“I was totally depressed with my broken family. I met a group of friends when I was in Secondary One in a stairway. They introduced to me ways to relax: smoking, drinking. I was lured in by the luxury of not having to care. I smoked my days away.”

“I cannot imagine you were once a smoker.” Jacky said.

“I was. Home was just a place for me to seek quarrels. I tried my best to stay away from my house. My mother would always call me names like ‘jinx’ or ‘bitch’, even in her sober mind. Finally, one day, I had enough. I put all my clothes into a bag and shouted to her, ‘I hope you’ll die in a car accident, just like daddy. And I hope you’ll get crushed by a big lorry!’ After that, I stayed in my friend’s house for two days.

“And two days later…” I was shuddering now, my tears rolling out like there was no tomorrow. I tried to brush them away but they kept coming. I felt like jumping down to the ground now, ending the ordeal once and for all. Jacky’s hand was still clutching mine. Without warning, he embraced me, his body warming me up. He was shuddering along with me. I dropped my head onto his shoulder and whispered, “Two days later, my mother was crushed by a big lorry. She died on the spot.”

End Of Chapter 4

2007-02-18T01:30:00.000+08:00

Chapter 3

I first met Landy in a “magical” way.

My father died when I was twelve. My mum blamed me for his death. Since then, I learnt about life the bad way: I hung out with a group of hooligans who smoked at stairways and got their pocket money from stealing. I always felt a great sense of satisfaction whenever we successfully shoplifted a few items.

One fateful day, we plotted to steal shoes again. Stealing shoes had always been a routine for us. Our targets were usually World of Sports, Royal Sporting House or Bata. Our plan had never failed before, until that day.

Three of us entered Royal Sporting House, wearing stern expressions. We pretended to browse around the clothes section, then, as we progressed to the shoes section, we showed signs of excitement by saying “This is nice!” or “I wonder if they’ve got size six for this pair or not?”

A sales assistant marched to us. He looked young, and we believed he was only a temp there. We smiled, knowing a temp was an easier target. “What size are you looking for, Mdm?”

I always felt proud to be called “Mdm” at the age of thirteen. My friend, Maggie, replied indifferently, “Do you have size six for this?” She showed the sales assistant a particular design. It cost a hundred bucks.

The sales assistant politely told us to wait and went off. Within the same minute, he came back with a pair. Maggie tried it on and it fitted her perfectly. However, she frowned and then looked up to the sales assistant with a seductive smile. “This feels too small. Do you have, like, size six and a quarter?”

We all howled in laughter. The sales assistant looked amused. He put on his smile and said, “How about size seven?”

“Will do!” Maggie chirped. “You go look for size seven. If there isn’t any I’ll take this one.” She began to trace the design of the shoe with her finger. The sales assistant hinted at her to take the shoe off but Maggie was totally immersed in appreciating the beauty of the shoe. Finally the sales assistant gave up and went off in search for size seven.

In one smooth motion, I took out a Royal Sporting House plastic bag from my bag. Maggie took off the shoe and threw it into the box. We glanced around the busy shop. When we confirmed it was safe, we placed the shoebox into the plastic bag and I strolled out of the shop, feeling victorious.

No one came forward to stop me. The alarm did not ring. After all, how could anyone steal a pair of shoes? They were all supposed to be stacked neatly in the storeroom. When I was out of the shop, I pictured Maggie and the sales assistant quarreling in my mind. Maggie would not lose; after all, customers are always right. I could only pity the poor sales assistant who must be wondering if he did place the size six shoes back in the storeroom. He might even consider quitting his job.

While I was lost in my thoughts, someone tapped my shoulder. A pretty girl with shiny long hair smiled at me and said, “Put that pair of shoes down. They’re coming to get you.”

I studied her. She looked a little older than me and had the kind of features that any teenager would envy. Her eyes were as round as her eyeballs and the dimples on her cheeks were deeply curved to perfection. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

I demanded.“Trust me. That sales assistant is the supervisor, not a temp. He has met all sorts of people. He’s coming for you. Drop it, or you’ll regret it forever!”

I stared at her. She seemed to know everything. After an internal debate, I decided to trust her and threw the shoes into a rubbish bin. A few minutes later, to my surprise, the sales assistant, together with two security officers, came up and apprehended me. When they found nothing on me, they gave up and I let out a long sigh of relief. It was my closest encounter with a criminal record.

After that dreadful incident, the girl showed up at my house. I had no idea how she obtained my address. We chatted a little. I later knew her to be Landy. As time went by, we became good friends. She was older than me by four years and was working full-time as a clerk. My mum died when I was fourteen and I cut off links with all my friends save Landy.

Somehow or other, Landy stayed with me through thick and thin. Knowing that I disliked going out, she came to my house to chat with me instead. If there was only one blessing in my life, it was definitely having a friend like Landy.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It was so ironically hilarious when we realized our play lasted only five minutes if we suffered no NG. Our play was supposed to be “ten to fifteen” minutes long.

“Look, I think we’ll have to rewrite the script.” Our so-called director, Delvin, suggested. He was one of our classmates with the most outstanding leadership qualities. “I’m open to all ideas.”

We ransacked our minds and a few ideas were proposed but none of them seemed to work. Amid the mood of depression which had descended over the room, Jacky stood up and told us, “Trust Joanna and me. We’ll be able to prolong it with our acting. Won’t we, Joanna?”

I sank deeper into my chair and pondered. What did he mean by that? He was smiling at me again. I felt my hair standing up. What was he thinking now? I bit my teeth, hoping that he would not suggest some outrageous proposal that would embarrass both of us.

“It’ll be a lot more realistic if we act out the play without directly following the script. For example, if the audience laughs, we’ll extend the humorous scene. If the audience is crying, we’ll extend the sad scene. Of course, that would mean we’d have to add our own lines to the play. You understand?”

After some brainstorming, they all agreed to that idea. I wanted so much to debate, to confess my disagreement, but upon seeing their exhausted faces, I consented. After we were dismissed, we all headed in different directions except Jacky and me. We stayed together as I wanted to confront him about the idea.

“Why propose that stupid idea?” I probed.

“For fun, Joanna! For fun! And for authenticity! Don’t you think the whole play will look a lot more realistic if we don’t follow a script? I mean-”“You won’t understand! I

need to follow a script! I can’t… I can’t talk well. I… I’m afraid I will say the wrong thing and…” I choked on my words and halted.

“Tell me what’s stopping you from opening your heart, Joanna. Please.”

I was shaking softly. His warm hands embraced my shoulders and he lowered his voice. “Please tell me more about yourself. Why you’re keeping everything to yourself. Why you’re living in your own world. Please.”

“Get away!” I pushed him off, my face burning red. After I had taken a few steps back, my cell phone rang. It was Landy. I rejected the call and turned back at Jacky. “You won’t be able to help me! No one can! No one!”

“Let me help you, please! Believe me! You won’t fail if you keep trying!”

“No! You can’t, you’ll never! I’m going to withdraw from that fucking play, and you and your fucking good friends can be Juliet!”

“Joanna-”

“I killed my father, my mother and many other people! I’m a fucking murderer, a fucking killer, a fucking sinner!”

I turned and dashed out of the hall. The moment I was outside the school, I raised my hand and a taxi stopped. I let out a soft moan of despair before I swung open the door and went off in search of respite.

End of Chapter 3...